How to help

[Noonecaresifyounamechange]

Friends of mine have recently lost their first baby, not many knew she was pregnant and I’m worried she doesn’t have much support.

What did you find helpful?
Did any gifts bring comfort?

After my third miscarriage, some friends brought me a tray of really really nice donuts they knew I liked. It did help a bit actually. I’m not saying it’s for everyone, but they had to go out of their way to get them and I appreciated the gesture

I'm so sorry for your friends' loss. I've sadly had 4 miscarriages so have quite a bit of personal experience unfortunately. For me, just having someone there to talk to (when I felt like talking) was the best thing anyone could do. That being said, I often didn't want to speak to anyone so definitely be led by them on it, don't push them to talk if they don't want to, but be ready for if/when they do. I would also say don't try to offer too much advice/say everything will be ok etc. It's so hard to know what the best thing to say is (and everyone is different and will want to hear different things) but I wanted to scream when people tried to solutionise/fix things for me (eg saying I can try again, recommend I try acupuncture, telling me about other people who had had success after loss, talk about trying IVF/fertility testing etc). Listening and just being there was all I wanted. Let them cry, let them be angry, let them talk about their baby, but also let them have time and space to grieve if they want it.

Depending on how close you live, you could offer to bring meals/shopping round for them, but don't be offended if they say no and be prepared to just drop it off and go if they do take you up on your offer. If you live further away, maybe send something in the post they might like. I struggled with receiving flowers to be honest. I know everyone meant well but they made me feel really sad to see. One friend sent me some cake in the post and that did actually make me feel better than the flowers.

It's so hard though because I have friends who reacted totally differently to me and wanted support in ways that I didn't. I would just say to make sure your friends know you are their for them and be led by them in terms of level of support/practical help. It is tough to get through but knowing you have people there, even if you don't call on them, really does help.

A friend of mine dropped off a gift bag with a load of chocolate, magazines and lovely shower gel/moisturiser. She didn't stay, just dropped it at the door and gave me a massive hug, it really helped.

Just listening and lending an ear was amazing for me when I had my losses. As others have said try not to offer platitudes, solutions or advice. People said the following things to me which were incredibly hurtful:
At least you can get pregnant
everything happens for a reason
Be grateful that you have a child already some people don’t even get that far.
At least it happened early on.

Some friends sent me flowers and others sent brownies which were a nice touch. But just letting them know you are there to support them is enough.