Feeling alone after loosing my baby

[ellepheb123]

I recently lost my baby boy, I went into hospital at 24+1 weeks with a small leaking happening, I needed up getting admitted to hospital in London. At 25 weeks my baby boy had kicked his way through the membrane and I had to have an emergency c-section, even though he was small he was perfectly formed! He had everything perfect and even let out a cry! at first he only needed a oxygen mask over his nose to assist him, but by the time I got the feeling back in my lower body from the c-section injections and was aloud to get up to go and see him he had a breathing tube fitted, from here he went on to have a few complications which meant that 7 days after his birth he passed away.

I miss him so much, he was so longed for! And I feel like I’m trapped inside. Although the tears have ever so slightly eased off I feel like inside I’m suffocating and I don’t know what to do next to help try and fix this feeling.
with everything planing a funeral etc you keep yourself busy but I find myself wishing the days away and sleeping through just so hours pass!
I haven’t got counselling or anything I’m trying to cope with the help of my partner and mum & dad but I do just have the sense of loneliness inside, like I miss my bump, I miss him inside of me I miss sitting in the NICU talking to him I just don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel.

has anyone ever experienced anything similar and what help did you get?

I also feel like as soon as my body is ready I really want to try for another baby, but I also feel riddled with guilt towards my son, I don’t want it to come across like “she’s trying to replace him” when I will never ever be able to replace him! He is me! He is the reason I was a mummy in the first place.

But has anyone lost a baby and gone on or thinking of having another baby ?
if so how long did you wait?
Thankyou in advance

I ended up getting admitted *

So sorry you’re going through this. I don’t have experience but couldn’t ignore your post 💐

Oh love I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's a horrible, lonely place to be when you have people around you to help but you know they don't quite understand what you're going through or how you feel

Just give yourself time to go through the emotions, it doesn't go away but it will get easier over time. Your baby boy will always be with you

I'm really sorry you've had to go through this loss, it's a really awful one. I lost my little girl at 26 weeks, unfortunately she was found to have a serious heart defect and chromosome deletion. the life she would have had didn't really bare thinking about and so we had a TFMR. It was horrendous, she was an IVF baby, I had waited years for her and to have to make that decision was awful.
I really feel for you over this 7 days, hoping for the best but having to watch the worst unfold in front of you.
We are 11 weeks on from our loss and we are in the middle of an IVF cycle. It's hard, I'm not going to lie, the hormones are definitely making the grief more intense at times but I needed to try.
Help from professionals has been varied in terms of support. They're lovely when I talk to them but I often have to track them down and no-one contacted me without me chasing them first. Maternity leave feels long and at times lonely. But the days will slowly get easier. There are dark dark times. I miss my little girl so much, I miss her kicks, the cravings she gave me, even the sickness and heartburn, but little bits of light creep in at times again.
There's no right or wrong when to try again, it's just when you feel ready.

I am so sorry that this happened to you and your partner. It truly is heartbreaking and not everyone will understand. I lost two babies after my first (a lot earlier on, than you) and it devastated me and I definitely spiralled into depression and I felt dumb and lost for a long time. I don't feel like I got the support I needed and I felt I couldn't talk about to anymore because people will respond with "it wasn't meant to be", "they're in a better place", "it wasn't their time" I could go on...

I did get pregnant again with 4th pregnancy and I have my baby girl today 9 weeks. However, I struggled to let myself be happy because I was scared I would lose her and didn't want to get my hopes up or enjoy anything. It's been 2 years for me and I do cry at times when I remember but all I can say is, take your time and allow yourself to feel all emotions and be prepared people might say out of good intentions but can come across wrong. Your baby boy won't be replaced and he made your a mum and your still a mum even if he's not on Earth side.

Your not alone and I hope you get all the support and help you need ❤️

Hey OP, what a horrible situation to be in. I feel for you.
I don't think there's a right or wrong time to ttc again. Different answers work for different people. Don't let others tell you how to grieve and how to move forward.

You wanted a baby before losing your son, you still want a baby. One doesn't preclude the other. It won't be the same baby obviously. It'll be another little person in their own right, who while they will never replace him, will be loved as much as he was.

I had an early loss, which I appreciate is not comparable to your situation, and I would have tried for a baby the next cycle if my doctor had let me (he insisted I wait one cycle before trying again). I went on to have my son two cycles later. I never felt bad or guilty about it. Wanting and hoping for a new baby does not diminish how much you loved and wanted the one you lost.

If you feel ready to try now there is nothing wrong with that. I hope you conceive again soon.

@Kitkat247 i feel exactly the same I’ve had little to none when it comes to maternity care! I’ve had to chase for a bereavement midwife, I haven’t had any follow up apart from my team of community midwives called me most days in the first 7/10 days congratulating me on the “birth of my little girl” (bare in mind I had a little boy!!)
it’s true when you speak they are good but besides that you feel like your doing all the chasing.
I’m also thinking the same about maternity leave, I’m nowhere near ready to go back but sometimes I feel like the silence of my home is what makes it that much realer

@Marty13 Thankyou

@Sydney0101 sorry to ask feel free not to answer but did you go on any sort of medication when you felt you spiralled?

and yeah I completely get the same thing, I think a lot of people think because my baby went on to have a couple of complications I tend to get “he’s in a better place now free of pain etc” or “imagine what the effect of those complications may have had on him when he was older, you wouldn’t have wanted him to have a hard life”
and it just feels like at that moment ‘lonely’ like everyone forgets it wouldn’t of mattered and it’s hard to think of that better place because I would to anything for him and I just want him back.

Thankyou for your post

No medication but did seem therapy and even now after I've had my baby, I still have therapy because I have a lot of low moods at times but extensive amount of anxiety.

Unfortunately for me I still feel alone when it comes to talking about that period of my life because 2 years have passed people think I should get over it by now and I have a new baby so I should forget my other babies so now I just keep it to myself and that's also including my hubby.

Seek**

I get a lot of, you wouldn't have wanted that life for her. No I didn't and that's why I made the decision I did, but I wanted her! I wanted her to be healthy, I'd have given her my heart, my chromosomes, anything at all for her to have a pain free life where she didn't have to struggle every single day. People also tell me at least you know IVF works for you and that you can carry a baby. It makes me want to scream. I know people are trying to make me feel better but it doesn't. I wanted my daughter with every fibre of my being.
I found the run up to her funeral so hard, every day I felt lower and lower. I had a few days of diazepam but then felt I didn't need it after we had laid her to rest. I've stayed off medication but mostly because I wanted to go right back into IVF again. I'm in counseling and do lots of holistic stuff, reiki, acupuncture and reflexology. I'd never have believed I'd do reiki but I've actually found it quite calming.
That's awful about the community midwife team. I just constantly felt like there was a lack of clarity about what I was to expect in regards to aftercare. My bereavement midwife had covid, so it was over 2 weeks before she contacted me. She was lovely but we had a phone call and the. I asked if I heard from her again and she was like yes I'll be in touch in a few months! My consultant (who I had never met) didn't get told about what had happened until mid April so it was ages before we got a follow up with her. Again she was lovely but I just wanted someone to pick up the phone and call me, not the other way around.
The house will be quiet while you're off. I go for walks every day and go to my mum's at least once a week. But knowing that I should have been only 2 and a half weeks away from having my baby is soul destroying at the moment. As is the wait for my embryo transfer.

That is really hard,
I can imagine what your feeling, well done for not opting for medication, I feel sometimes the doctors are quick to issue medication in these circumstances just to ensure you feel “a bit better” Everyone keeps saying time is a healer and in time you will feel better, so I can imagine 2 years down the line people expect you to just be back to your normal self but life will never be the same when you have an Angel baby xx

I pray things work out for you,
I feel exactly the same I would have done absolutely anything for my son! Given anything from him! So there’s nothing anyone says about what I would or wouldn’t have wanted for him that can change the way I’m feeling because like you said the end of it is. I just wanted him! More than anything in this world.

The run up to funeral is so hard I feel like you are just waiting, you feel like your waiting for certain dates to pass altogether (1st month since everything, then funeral, then your due date) each one is so painful!
my sons funeral is this Friday and everyone says when you have a place to visit him it will make you feel a-bit better I pray this is the case.

and oh perfect I’m going to try Reiki they do that not too far from me, so I might try giving that a go as I really don’t want to be on any medication.

I hope things work out for you! X

I wanted to run and get her when I was waiting for the funeral, I couldn't stand knowing she was alone. After I did feel a small sense of peace in that she was at peace and with her Grandad. I hope it gives you that same sense of closure. It didn't stop the pain but it wasn't the same intensity. I had been having panic attacks when going out and they stopped after the funeral. I haven't visited her plot since, because I know that she's with my Dad and I haven't felt the need to go. I was never really into any of that stuff before but I know that she's around me.
I hope the reiki helps. Some days are just grit your teeth and get through it days.

I had a stillbirth (first child) at 31 weeks in 2020 and I got pregnant again very quickly, not to replace my daughter because that’s impossible but to heal some of the pain in my soul and to have a baby in my arms. I couldn’t give less of a shit what others think, those around me know I knew I couldn’t replace her.

My 2nd daughter is the light of my life, she’s 6 months old and I feel like I’ve won the lottery. Going through the stillbirth at the time was horrific and there were times when I thought if I was hit by a bus it wouldn’t be so bad, but having been through that experience has made me a better human. I see life differently now. In a better way. I took months for most of the visceral pain to leave, but life got better, much much better, and it will for you x