What they don't tell you...

[jellybeanjc]

Before I start, I'll tell you I'm no expert. I'm just a normal girl who has been floored by this week by a miscarriage at 5 weeks (that actually hasn't happened yet but my doctor tells me she's 'certain') and want my experience to help someone else who's desperately searching these threads as I have been.

What they don’t tell you is that brown blood, red blood, cramps, can all be normal or they can mean a miscarriage.
There is no definite science.
What they don’t tell you is that a lack of pregnancy symptoms (like nausea, sore boobs, exhaustion) could be normal (you lucky thing) or could be a further sign of miscarriage.
Nobody will ever commit to an answer.
What they don’t tell you is that miscarriage isn't always a sudden horror event, or even a few days and it's over. Sometimes, your doctor will tell you to wait 2 weeks before they'll even refer you to the hospital for a check up, and you'll have to spend those endless days just waiting for it to happen.
It can feel like they don’t care.
What they don’t tell you is that when something so terrifying happens, and you feel like you have nowhere to turn, speaking to friends, family, strangers online can be a comfort but can also make it worse, and that dichotomy in itself is painful.
You should do what feels right to you.

What else don’t they tell you? Please help me to make this thread a source of information for anyone feeling the soul-crushing fear that I have felt this week.

What they don’t tell you is that they say they can't scan you before 6 weeks, but what they really mean is that they can’t use a scan as a diagnostic tool that early in pregnancy, and asking for an early scan could bring you peace, or it could give you false information.
If you feel you need it then push for it, but be prepared for bad news, or bad news that turns into good news, or good news that turns into bad news.

What they don’t tell you is that sometimes the uncertainty and the waiting, and the rollercoaster of hope and hopelessness is worse than the bad news. And the guilt you'll feel for thinking that will never leave you.
Feel how you feel.

What they don’t tell you is that you'll want your family, but you'll also want them to leave you alone.
Forgive yourself for your changing needs and don’t be afraid to ask for what feels right for you.

Hey @jellybeanjc I'm sorry for your loss. I have been there 3 times and absolutely agree with everything you are saying. It's shit and it's difficult. Miscarriage is not at all what you think it will be.

Hi OP I'm so sorry for your loss. Completely agree with everything you say.

My what they don't tell you is this is a big club and you'll know so many members without knowing they're members - it's a silent club until you say to someone that you're part of it and suddenly you realise you're not so alone.

They don't tell you that a miscarriage can take forever to diagnose and then forever to happen

They don't tell you that you'll experience every emotion under the sun and then start to feel ok until one day it can just hit you again.

And for the future... They don't tell you of the fear you will have when you decide to try again.

Wishing you all the strength and peace in the world and again I'm so sorry x

That's so true! I was asked the other day am I not trying for another one! A question that always feels me with dread. I always answer with the truth! There was 4 of us in that conversation and 3 of us had all suffered miscarriages. It's a very big shit club but you are not alone in the club and it always makes me personally feel better talking about my experience.

They don't tell you that you can bleed for weeks and it's normal part of mc. They tell you that you try start again as soon as the bleeding stops but they don't tell you that you won't ovulate until the previous pregnancy hormones are out your system and your testing negative again. They don't tell you the pain you feel waiting for that negative test that will only weeks/months before you prayed to be positive.
They don't tell you that you will still feel weak weeks after the mc has happened and you can't move on.
This is all normal and the changes are different with everyone. Be kind to yourself and allow these emotions to pass naturally don't force it.

They don't tell you that it can be extremely obvious when you are miscarrying

And that it can be painfully obvious when the embryo has been passed.

That it can take a longggg time to test negative, even if there's no "pregnancy remains" left over (9 weeks here).

That it may be pretty painless, physically speaking (surgery at 13wks pregnant). That it can hurt for a long time, emotionally speaking. Get professional help if you need it (I did)

My heart goes out to you, I was there myself at the beginning of the year.

I miscarried at 18 weeks via medical management.

They didn't tell me there were other options, that could have avoided me labouring for six hours and giving birth to my dead son.

They didn't tell me to test, or what to look out for infection wise, they didn't tell me anything, they sent me on my way saying it's just one of those things. I had recurrent 'UTI's' that weren't responding to antibiotics, and it was only picked up that I had retained products when I, months later, cramped, poured blood and passed them on my own at home.

They didn't refer me for any sort of counselling, bereavement advice, nothing whatsoever, apparently that was only for stillbirths. I laboured and gave birth to a very much formed, albeit small, baby. I'm not sure what's different from a stillbirth besides being a few weeks short of the cut off. I had gone through nearly half a pregnancy, had announced it to anyone I knew, including my young child. I needed help.

It was traumatic, and I'm terrified of ever trying again as I have lost the mindset that my baby and I are 'safe' at 12 weeks. I know there would never be a point where I feel relaxed again. I know I could never announce it on social media again, because taking that back was gut wrenching.

They don’t tell you how normal it is until it happens. Then they will tell you “at least it means you can get pregnant” but that offers little comfort as what use is a pregnancy if it doesn’t result in a baby?

They don’t tell you the anxiety you’ll feel when you continue to TTC. Do you test early or wait until after AF is due? The crushing disappointment when there’s yet another BFN, and the fear of whether you’re truly ready to go through the rollercoaster of a BFP again after what you now know.