I can’t understand why I feel this way? Is it normal?

[Luciaray]

Back in October I went to have a termination. I wasn’t completely sure I wanted a termination but went for the consultation anyway to have a better understanding of my options. Instead I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks (baby wasn’t forming properly). I had to have a few surgeries and some very invasive treatments to remove the pregnancy. At the time I felt ok with it, baby wasn’t planned and I had a very challenging 2 year old on my hands while studying full time. Now all my friends (who had their firsts at the same time as me) are expecting their seconds and each time somebody announces it I just break down in tears. My husband has admitted me doesn’t even think about the miscarriage anymore and he forgets it even happened so he doesn’t understand. My friends (who aren’t parents) have said ‘You need to stop thinking this way about baby that was not a baby because it didn’t form right so would not have had it anyway’ when I explained the due date was tomorrow and my I was feeling quite upset at others announcing their second pregnancies.

not sure what I’m trying to say here to be honest! I’m just feeling very confused as it wasn’t even 100% I wanted the pregnancy in the first place so why do I feel SO very broken about it now, 9 months later! I just feel very alone, isolated and truly like nobody understands what is going through my head?

I think most people on this board would understand, even if your friends and family don't! Miscarriage is bloody awful whether the pregnancy is planned or not - I'm not sure it makes a lot of difference. And the due date is always a very hard milestone. I've had 2 miscarriages recently but I still remember the due date of the baby I miscarried 6 years ago and I remember the pain I felt when I was chatting to another mum in the park who turned out to have the exact same due date.

But from what you say, maybe it's time to start thinking whether you do want to try for another baby sometime soon?

Ah, op, be gentle on yourself. Miscarriage can be very hard indeed, whatever the circumstances. Even a very early loss is still a loss, and your friends are a bit insensitive to put things that way. Whether planned or wanted or neither doesn't negate that loss, especially as you hadnt fully decided.

Fwiw, I had two due dates of lost babies come during a successful pregnancy and found those hard to deal with even while being pregnant with my son. Maybe seems silly but it's normal. Your feelings are valid.

Planned or unplanned, wanted or unwanted, you do begin to imagine your future life and child with any pregnancy, I think. It seems natural to have big feelings about that. A few months on isn’t really very long at all. You’ve also rightly identified that having lots of people having second children all around you at the time you might also have had your second could be quite unnerving. You’re in a complicated spot. Be gentle with yourself.

I’m very sorry for your loss. Grief is a complex thing - no two people deal with it or feel it in the same way. Your feelings are completely valid and although your friends and DH may feel differently, if they love you then they should be able to at least show some empathy.

Could you look into some counselling/talk therapy to support you if you don’t feel you have a good suppprt network around you?