Having miscarriage, my mum has been really insensitive

[SKF]

I thought I was 11 wks, but started bleeding on Tuesday, and yesterday a scan showed baby stopped growing at about 6 weeks. This was first pregnancy so this is all new to me. Annoyingly, the hospital policy is that I have to wait a week and have another scan to before I have an ERPC (I want it over with quickly).

We hadn't told many people, but we had told our parents. Yesterday when we got back from the hospital we rang them to let them know. When I rang my mum to say 'sorry, but I have lost the baby', her first comment was 'Well how did you manage that then?'. Then she said 'Well life is shit sometimes' and 'I shall be thinking of you when I go on holiday to New Zealand'. She is going away in two weeks.

She isn't known for her tact, but this has really really hurt me. I know that MC's are caused by a fetus not being viable, and as soon as I found out that I was pregnant I did all the things I was supposed to do, although I do have a silly nagging feeling of guilt and that is must be my fault.

This would have been her first gc, and she has been desperate for me to have babies for a long time. I think this is her reaction to feeling hurt too, but I wish she could be more supportive. We don't have the greatest relationship, and things like this just make it worse.

It's my mum's birthday today and I don't even want to ring her as I am so bloody angry and pissed off.

I'm so sorry SKF - what a hard thing for you to deal with, on top of your loss.

She did say the wrong things, but some people just don't know how to say the right things, even though they are feeling the right things, they just cannot express themselves. Also she will be upset as well.

Also many people really do not have a clue what it is like to go through a miscarriage - the loss of a baby, however tiny, is huge, and you will need to grieve for your baby.

Please do not feel guilty. I have two children, and have also had two miscarriages, despite doing everything right - no drinking, eating healthy, taking vitamins etc. It is absolutely not your fault.

I think you can be forgiven if you don't ring her today, I can understand why you don't want to speak to her.

So sorry about your m/c and your Mum's insensitive comments.

There nothing you could have done to avoid this m/c, and the guilt is a completely normal reaction.

After my first m/c I spent ages agonising about every little box I had carried and that I had done the hoovering. When I got pregnant again the doctor said to lie down as much as possible. Unfortunately I miscarried a second time.

I then had DD and 2 years later DS. When I was pregnant with DS we moved house, I had to carry DD sometimes, I did not have much time to rest. I had no problems, no bleeding, etc.

If the pregnancy is not viable then there is nothing you can do to stop a m/c.

As to your Mum, would it do any good to speak to her, tell her that she was very hurtful?

Hi SKF,
so sorry to hear what you're going through, I just had my second missed miscarriage before Christmas - similar to you, no growth after about 6wks but didn't start bleeding til nearly 12 wks so I understand how you may be feeling.

I also understand about mums saying the wrong thing - my mum just ignores it or goes on about how "you wouldn't even have known you were pregnant in my day" which is less than helpful.

Maybe your mum just doesn't know the right thing to say and can't face the thought of you being unhappy.

Perhaps you could get your partner to explain to her how upset you are and could she try to be a bit sensitive?

Be kind to yourself - this is such a difficult time

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with your mum, they can be very insensitive at times. I'm sure your miscarriage was not because of anything you did. First pregnancies often end in miscarriage, I think it's more common than people think. Both my SIL and I had miscarriages the first time and have gone on to have healthy babies so there is time. Give yourself time to come to terms with this one. Do not blame yourself and focus on the future with you partner. Try to ignore your mum, she's probably not doing it deliberately, maybe a break from her whilst she's away will be a good thing.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I had a m/c in August, and all of our families were insensitive. (If it helps, my mother said 'oh, that's a shame. You don't know what sex it was then?" Errm - no - it was only 7 weeks, and does it matter - I've lost a BABY!)

I had another m/c 3 months later - this time we chose not to tell any family at all, and went through it alone.

Please look after yourself. Other people simply don't know how to deal with this sort of thing, so land up being dreadfully insensitive instead.

And while it is usual to feel guilty it is also the case that there is nothing you would have done which caused this.

Unfortunately it is just something which happens - 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage so you (and me) have just been the unlucky ones

I don't think I am going to call her, but I have sent her some flowers.

She never had an mc or anything like that, so I think this is why she doesn't really understand. I just feel a bit paranoid that she is thinking that it is my fault and that I must have done something.

She is a bit of a nightmare tbh. When my father died she rang to to break the news and said 'your Dad's dead'. Just like that! Not 'I'm so sorry, your father died/passed away' or something more sensitive. Shortly afterwards we then had a conversation in which she went on about how she wasn't really grieving (they were divorced) as it wasn't a big deal to her as 'he was just some man she was married to once'. It didn't occur to her that she was talking about MY OWN FATHER.

Sorry, this is turning into a rant. I'm a bit all over the place atm. But she does drive me bloody mad.

well done for sending the flowers to her. She should be the one sending the flowers to you at this time.

I'm so sorry about the miscarriage SFK - your Mum's reaction just makes a very traumatic time so much worse. I still get upset about how my mum/sister/friends reacted to my 2 m/cs, months later. I remember posting on here at the time being shocked at how people who were supposed to care for me said and did the wrong thing.

Please take all the time to you need to get over the loss of your baby - it is not easy, some distance from your mum will probably help as others have said. Telling her how you feel and trying to get her to see how hurtful you have found her comments will probably only make things worse for you right now.

Best wishes

Sorry - I meant SKF...

very sorry SKF

I think it is a long hard process to realise that one's mother is shit at being a mother, and that one would be better off not looking for any support from her

I decided to leave as late as possible in pregnancy before telling my mother, precisely because I do NOT want to hear what she has to say if I had a miscarriage. I know damn well she would completely cock it up with her selfish and tactless remarks.

I don't blame you for not wanting to ring her, and I think as you have sent flowers there is no need to bother. If she rings you can let the answerphone pick up - look after yourself

Thanks for the kind comments everyone.

Nooname - I am sorry you just had your second. I feel very sad that for several weeks when I was thinking loving thoughts to my bean, that it had failed.

I have only had very light bleeding so far, but the hospital won't do anything to take it away until next week when I have had another scan to confirm everything. To top it all I have just realised that I must have an infection down below, so now I need to go to the GP.

This whole business is so very gruesome, I just want to get on with my life and proceed with getting back to normal.

So sorry to hear about your mc.

I think youa re a better person than me sending your Mum flowers.

My Mum was a total cow to me during my mc in August, I phoned her up in tears after my first scan (like you baby died at 6 weeks) I was 8 weeks pregnant. Had to do the weeks wait etc. Firstly she couldn't "get" it that the hospital make you wait a week then told me "well SK you can have small babies you know" when I evntually got through to her that the baby wasn't small it had stopped growing she said "well maybe it's for the best 3 DC would be expensive!" She was so unsupportive. After the next scan mc was confirmed we had to decided what to do ERPC or natural but over the weekend I mc naturally, it was pretty horrific especially as I ahd 2 DC to looks after as well.

About a week later she phoned and spent 1o minutes talking to me all about my brothers new house before I said "I'm fine thanks I didn't need an op in the end I mc naturally it was awful I couldn't get up for a few days and looking after the DC was hard" she replied "I knew you hadn't gone to hospital I would have heard about it" erm from whom exactly.

The way she was over the mc was the straw that broke the camels back and I hardly ever phone her now. It made me realise that you can't change a person and I should just accept thats the way she is.

I had two DDs first and did the exact same things as in the mc it was not your fault please don't feel guilty.

Search out the mc support threads I found them amazing when I was going through mine, it's under miscarriage/bereavement - MC avengers.

FrannyandZooey - thankfully she's not a shit mother, and is very kind and loving in her own way, but she has issues of her own and isn't a tactful person.

I think she forgets sometimes that I am her daughter, and tends to overshare sometimes in an inappropriate way, and has always done so since I was a teenager. So I have a hard time with her emotionally.

She gets depressed a lot too, although I strongly suspect that she is one of these people that actually likes to moan and complain about how awful life is and how badly she has been treated. Her mother was exactly the same.

I try hard to be a positive person as a result!

Sorry, this seems to be more of a 'I have issues with my mother thread!'.

Sweetkitty, I am shocked to hear that. Perhaps if a woman hasn't had an MC herself, then she can't possibly realise how awful it is.

Thanks again for all the support from you lovely ladies, and I will indeed seek out the MC avengers. And will look forward to joining a TTC thread, when I can face it.

s
xx

sorry for my blunt remarks - did not mean to insult your mother but issues with my own crept into my post

SKF - I felt/feel the same about thinking I had a baby for weeks when there wasn't much there at all. Feels like I was being ridiculous believing I was pregnant when I wasn't really.

To add a positive note though, I got pg with my son about 4 months after my first m/c and had a really healthy pregnancy and a healthy son for which I will always feel incredibly grateful.

I would say that, having experienced a m/c before and after having my son I found the one before I had my son totally devastating in comparison because I didn't know if I would ever have a child. I found counselling really helped me.

I totally relate to waiting for your second scan and dnc, with my first m/c I waited two weeks to miscarry naturally and it was awful. In the end I had a dnc as it didn't happen on its own. This time, luckily () it did happen naturally.

I would just be prepared that if it does happen naturally for you it can really be very shocking. I passed a LOT of blood (got anaemic as a result) and very large clots and was in a lot of pain. This is not to scare you just to prepare you as I was not remotely prepared and it was a big shock.
My gps were absolutely brilliant though - really supportive, even visited me at home - so much better than the hospital who couldn#t give a s**t.

all the best

SKF - sorry I think a bit of my Mother issues was creeping in as well. I think people genuinely don't know what to say to you probably because they have not experienced the sense of loss. I found this the worst time the waiting. By the time it was confirmed I had accepted it in my mind.

Like nooname I wasn't prepared at all for mc naturally. Was told by hospital it would be like a heavy period and to take some painkillers. I have had two children so thought oh it will be fine. I was wrong. I don't want to scare you or anything but at one point all I did for about an hour was sit on the toilet with the DDs playing around my feet as I was soaking a night time pas every 10 minutes (and leaking) so I figured just sitting on the toilet was better. Now I have been told that that amount of bleeding was too heavy and I should have been admitted to hospital. If I were to mc again I would have an ERPC.

On a brighter note, I got pregnant again 2 months after the mc and am now 14 weeks and all is well.

Do join the MC avengers thread, theres ladies on there like yourself going through mc, some ttc after and some pregnant after mc, it really really helped me in those dark days.

Frannyanzooey - no offence was taken! It was nice to you to post and empathise.

It's good to know I am not alone in having a hard time with my mum sometimes.....

Just had a really touching letter from inlaws and mum left a message on my voicemail to see how I was getting on. Feel a bit better now.

xx

SKF - i am so sorry to hear about your mc. I also had a missed mc, the baby stopped growing at 6 weeks but i didnt start bleeding until nearly 11 weeks. It was heartbreaking and traumatic. The most important thing to remember is that you did not do anything to cause the miscarriage. Unfortunately, when you have something so sad happen it can bring up the other issues in your life that you can usually cope with e.g. "the mother issues". Remember they are her issues and not yours and focus on looking after yourself!

The mc avengers thread is fab and the lovely ladies got me through some very tough times after my mc - when no one else in real life seemed to understand.

Lesley Regan has also written a brilliant book on miscarriage that helped me alot with those unanswered questions after my miscarriage.

Take care xx

SKF
As you wrote that you think you have an infection, can I just add that I hope you are seeing a doctor today.

There is a slight risk of infection if you wait to miscarry naturally, the hospital should have told you this. It is something easily treated with antibiotics, but can develop into something more nasty if left untreated.

Glad that you are feeling a bit more positive.

Yes, I am going to the Doc this afternoon. Thanks xx

hi, sorry i don't have much advice on the mum front - although that was VERY insensitive of her, absolutely awful, i would disown my mum if she had said something like that when i was having my miscarriage. but that's probably not the best advice so i won't tell you to do that!

i just wanted to say that i felt really guilty after i lost my baby, as if i had done something wrong, or that i had let everybody down and i felt really useless as a woman, cos that's what a women's body is supposed to do - carry a baby and I couldn't do it.
I beat myself up about it for so long and i guess i still am but you just have to keep remembering that especially with early miscarriages - it just happens and mostly there is no reason, it's just that when the egg and the sperm met it didn't start developing properly or a number of diff. medical reasons that don't that you're a failure or have done anything wrong and there's nothing to say that you can't go on to have healthy children in the future.

Just keep reminding yourself of that and try not to blame yourself.

lots of love, i hope you can feel brighter soon. xxxxx

It really sucks to have a mother like that. I definitely understand 100%. My mom is the same way, when I told my mom I lost the baby she got really excited and really really happy about it and told me she was happy etc. then later when I attempted to talk to her about he miscarriage she brushed it off and basically told me it’s not really something to be upset over that others have gone through worse and said basically said that I shouldn’t feel sad or grief over my loss. She even told me she thinks she might have had a miscarriage before I was born so she “understands” she said it didn’t bother her though because she doesn’t think it happens but it might have. She also told me since it was a early pregnancy only 6 weeks that I probably wasn’t even pregnant at all and that it wasn’t really even a baby anyways. So girl I understand big time. It’s so nice to hear that others have gone through or are still going through things similar with their mothers!!!