Termination regret - what do I do now?

[RosieJ89]

Please help! Nearly 2 years ago I fell pregnant. My husband and I have 2 children - 7 and 5 now. We were using the withdrawal technique and condoms but one day my husband didn’t withdraw (he didn’t even try to)…I leapt up, showered and we had cross words about it. He flippantly told me I should take the morning after pill (as if it were a form of contraception) and I politely told him to bugger off (I have taken it once before and bled for 5 weeks). I had wanted to have a third child but my husband always maintained he didn’t - and was going to get a vasectomy but hadn’t booked it. I had come to terms with not having a third and so was shocked on the day this happened but kind of felt that he mustn’t have been that against it to do what he did. Even so, I did shower very thoroughly and thought there was no way (at least very unlikely) I could get pregnant after that. I was wrong.

I kept the pregnancy from my husband for a week after I found out, to decide in my own mind what I wanted to do, without his input. I went back and forth, but decided I wanted to keep the baby. I told my husband and he totally lost it. He acted as though I’d just told him I’d killed his mother. He was absolutely devastated. His reaction really worried me - not helped by the pregnancy hormones. He basically told me that he 100% did not want the child and if I kept it he would resent me forever. I had to consider how that would change the lives of my 2 other children, and made the most horrendous decision I have ever had to, and had the termination. It was awful. It was during Covid so I did the whole thing alone and I knew I didn’t want to do it. I had counselling (over the phone - useless) prior, but it was completely terrible and I felt quite pro-abortion.

My husband will not talk about it and wasn’t even particularly sorry. He has completely buried his head in the sand and I think was just completely relieved once it was done. I have been left basically traumatised. I can’t watch anything baby related - or even look at pictures of my own children as babies without sobbing (I only do this alone and never in front of DH).

So, we are now 18 months down the line, I am 39, and I have spent this whole time trying to push this to the back of my head, but the fact is I want another baby. It’s now or never. Im scared to bring it up with DH because I’m sure he’ll say no and I don’t know how I'm going to deal with that. It feels like the only way to move forward for me. I don’t think I can live with the guilt of this forever and the only thing that I know will lighten it is to have one more baby. I know that when I look back at this time in my life I will always wish I had just had one more.

We both have good jobs and we could afford it. Obviously it would change our lives but we already have 2 so it’s not like we don’t know what we’re doing.

What should I do? Speak to my husband and face the 99% chance that he will say no and it’ll cause problems for days/weeks (I don’t know if I can face knowing that we won’t have another 😢), or just suck up the fact that it’s happened, be grateful for what I have, and get on with it??

I think you need to keep remembering why you had that termination which was all for legitimate and sensible reasons that you should not feel bad about. We make the decisions that make sense to us at the time we made them with the information we had.

Now however you are still desperate for another baby.

Do you think it really could end your marriage if you got pg again?

So, he wouldn't wear a condom, or even try to withdraw (unreliable as that is) despite him not wanting a baby, and then emotionally blackmailed you into having an abortion you didn't want? Oh love, I'm not surprised that you're still hurting. From what he did last time, I suspect that your marriage would not survive you becoming pregnant again. But I'm not 100% sure that your marriage can survive what has already happened. Have you considered counselling, to try to get your feelings straight in your own head? And then perhaps marriage counselling? So at least you know where you stand.

Given how strongly you feel about having a third child, I think you really have to talk to your husband about it - and since you're 39 this probably needs to be sooner rather than later. He needs to know just how painful the termination was for you, how you haven't got over it, and how much you want another child. He sounds like (at best) he's lacking empathy and has no idea what effect pregnancy loss has on a woman - but presumably he doesn't always behave as badly as he did over the pregnancy, or you wouldn't still be with him?! Hopefully you can have a sensible discussion and understand each other's point of view.
If you don't have that conversation then I'd have thought the resentment about your previous pregnancy would really eat away at your relationship.
It's possible that with your children now a little bit older, your husband might be more open to the idea of a third. My children are similar ages and my husband was always adamant that he wouldn't want any more, but when I eventually raised the issue last year it turned out he was actually keen (and here I am now, 2 miscarriages later, no further forward!).

Firstly don’t beat yourself up over what’s happened in the past. You did what you had to at the time and your husband was adamant he didn’t want the pregnancy. You need to talk to your husband as calmly as you can and explain how you feel. If he throws another fit over it then you’ve lost nothing really but at least you’ll know. Often guilt drives women into trying to replace a lost child. Maybe you could try talking your feelings over with a trusted professional.

This sounds just like my story! Termination regret and now feeling utterly broken. Everybody close to me are having their seconds and meanwhile I’m crying over a baby I chose to ‘get rid of’ and too scared to bring anything up with husband because he just doesn’t understand why it’s an issue or why I continue to think about it daily, 9 months on.

you’re not alone in this!

So he still hasn't had a vasectomy?

@nocoolnamesleft has nailed it OP.
I’m very sorry for what you have been through and are still going through, but no way would I consider a third child with a man who put me through that.
I understand your feelings entirely but he’s not the man to have a baby with.

I'm not sure a third child would even help here. For a start, it won't be the same child and you'll have to be surrounded by baby things that might bring that all back even worse. Secondly, I think it'll make you resent your husband even more for showing you what you've lost. Personally I think you absolutely should resent him for being that much of a bellend but there are probably better ways to explore that than a newborn.

I thought he was getting a vasectomy? Why not in the last 2 years?

And how does showering remove sperm inside your vagina?

Personally I would wonder why people with a good jobs don't understand the basics of conception.

Talk to him. If he says no then thats probably it as at 39 its too late to divorce, meet someone, get into a good relationship and have a baby. Personally he sounds a total shit and I would divorce him anyway.

Another one who doesn’t understand why he hasn’t had a vasectomy.

He was a prat to rely on withdrawal, especially if he’s not going to withdraw! But the morning after pill would have acted as a contraceptive. Douching does not.

I think you need to talk to him as this is destroying you, but he has the right to say no to more kids. You may also decide that you’re marriage is over anyway when you start discussing this and his response.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to comment. Those that have mentioned contraception, I know it was totally stupid, to be honest I wanted a third baby so I wasn’t worried if I fell pregnant and whilst my husband had said he didn’t, I didn’t think he’d have been having sex with me like that unless he was at least open to the idea. Obviously I was wrong! That’s why I was so shocked by his response.

And no, he still hasn’t had a vasectomy, even though I told him that if he expected me to have a termination, he MUST get his vasectomy because I never wanted to be in that position again.

All of this obviously makes my husband sound awful. He isn’t. We are in love and he treats me very well, and is a wonderful father. When this decision was made, we were both furloughed from work, we have an expensive house and we were worried about what might happen. He was under a lot of pressure to keep us all “safe” and I think he just panicked and couldn’t even consider bringing another baby into that. All things I understand but wish he had considered before the act of course….

I think I am going to get some counselling first to make sure that my desperation for another baby isn’t being fuelled by trying to appease the guilt I feel over the baby that I wanted so much. I think then I will have my answer.

@Luciaray i am so sorry that you are dealing with this too. It is so heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing a glimpse of your story, it is nice to feel like there are others out there that feel the same - even though I wouldn’t wish that on anyone! I wish you all the luck with your situation xxx

My story is so similar I also had a termination I regret and my partner reacted the same way I wanted another he didn't. I felt like the counsellor was talking me into the termination rather then helping me weigh my options om a young mum with two children also 4 and 7 so they basically said to me that it would be better for me to terminate the pregnancy.. Then after the termination during covid also I hemorrhaged and needed to go to the hospital for a D&C and they kept me awake! The epidual didnt even work I was traumatised the pain was unbelievable.. I've felt nothing but guilt ever since and I've had two miscarriages since and now I feel like it's karma.

@Mamamonkey1 I am so sorry that this has all happened to you. I know exactly how you feel. I thankfully didn’t have any complications afterwards but I was awake for the termination. I remember one nurse saying to me as she wheeled me in “I bet you just can’t wait for this to all be over” and I just burst into tears thinking I don’t want this to be over at all, I don’t even want it to begin! I wish I’d had the strength of my conviction not to go through with it but pregnancy hormones completely got me and I was just a gibbering idiot.

I don’t know how you have survived 2 miscarriages after this - I honestly wish I could just say something to make you feel better. I know it is only words and I know I would feel the same as you but from the outside I promise you that you are not being ‘punished’. As someone else said, we can only make decisions at that time and we both did that thinking it was the only way to move forwards. I don’t know where we go from here. I think counselling from someone not related to the clinic in any way is the only way forward. Then at least we can re evaluate what we are doing with a clear head.

I also try to spend extra time and money on my other children. I think to myself that if the third baby isn’t here, I need to spend any time or money that I would have on them on the ones I do have and make the absolute most of every minute with them.

the other thing I do, which is awful but it helps, is I remind myself of stories (I have heard 3 or 4) of women who have gone against their husbands ‘wishes’ and kept babies and then their (my) worst fears have been realised - the family breaks down and they are now left to pick up the pieces alone. Whilst this is awful and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, it can help to quantify my decision and prove to myself that my concerns were valid at the time.

sending you so much love and healing vibes xxx

I couldn't stay with an unsupportive man, let alone ever have sex again with him.