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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

Original poster

Miscarriage and breakup

14 replies

Claire73698 · 09/03/2022 14:16

Having gone through a miscarriage recently I can totally understand how it can come to a relationship ending. We deal with it so differently and to be told 'I'm taking the piss' for being on the sick for four weeks is really not what I want to hear!

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Maze76 · 09/03/2022 18:53

Hi Claire
I’m so sorry for your loss, who said this to you, please don’t say it was your partner?

Mochii · 09/03/2022 18:55

What was the context behind why this was said?

istandwithukraine · 09/03/2022 19:01

I'm sorry for your loss. Unfortunately it's very common for male partners not to understand or empathise with our grief when it comes to miscarriage

It's hard to say too much though without context? Was this your first pregnancy with your partner and how far along were you? Have you been together long? Was the pregnancy planned? Why were you off work for 4 weeks? (I've had 7 miscarriages up to 12 weeks and always been back at work within a few days but I understand that people do deal with things differently and may need some more time)

Original poster
Claire73698 · 09/03/2022 22:25

@Maze76 yes my partner

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Original poster
Claire73698 · 09/03/2022 22:26

@Mochii I guess I was angry at the time of this post, how silly was I to think I might get some support from my partner after the miscarriage

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Original poster
Claire73698 · 09/03/2022 22:29

@istandwithukraine been with my partner over 20 years and have two daughters together. Pregnancy wasn't planned but finding it really difficult to get through what has happened. I think it's just easier for men to deal with it as they haven't been through it physically or mentally

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Mochii · 09/03/2022 22:57

@Claire73698 I was asking why your partner said it to you. Not why you posted on here. Did he just come up to you and say it out of the blue?

Original poster
Claire73698 · 09/03/2022 23:00

@Mochii sorry, he was just asking when I was back at work and I mentioned I got a two week sick note. His way is just getting on with work, which he may be able to do. I've been getting quite upset and don't feel work is the right thing for me just yet

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istandwithukraine · 10/03/2022 05:23

@Claire73698

If the pregnancy wasn't planned then I would say he likely had less of an emotional connection to it than he otherwise might have done. Coupled with the fact you have children together as well. Doesn't make what he said right of course and obviously it was insensitive on his part

It's a tough one but I do think 4 weeks being signed off is excessive though unless you had surgery which you also need to recover from

Have you talked to him about your own feelings surrounding the miscarriage and how it has effected you?

Weatherwax13 · 10/03/2022 05:29

Don't you listen to him.
Or to the PP who in their wisdom just said 4 weeks being signed off seems excessive.
A miscarriage can be absolutely devastating and even if your partner feels differently he has no right to make hurtful comments and should actually be trying to be sympathetic and kind.

mrsbitaly · 10/03/2022 06:00

Like you have said everyone deals with it differently. Whether it was planned or not or even how many weeks you are it's sad loosing a pregnancy especially if you have come round to the idea. Some will go back to work sooner than others there's no hard or fast rule you know yourself and if you need that time then don't feel guilty for it.

Sometimes partners don't understand I'm sure he cares as much as you, his handling of it is just different.

You have 2 lovely kids who you are a mummy things will get easier and if you feel ready to go back sooner then there is always that option.

I know how it feels I really do I'm sending you a big virtual hug 🫂 x

mrsbitaly · 10/03/2022 06:01

Like you have said everyone deals with it differently. Whether it was planned or not or even how many weeks you are it's sad loosing a pregnancy. Some will go back to work sooner than others there's no hard or fast rule you know yourself and if you need that time then don't feel guilty for it.

Sometimes partners don't understand I'm sure he cares as much as you his handling of it is just different.

You have 2 lovely kids who you are a mummy things will get easier and if you feel ready to go back sooner then there is always that option.

I know how it feels I really do, I'm sending you a big virtual hug 🫂 x

Original poster
Claire73698 · 10/03/2022 16:37

@istandwithukraine I've tried to talk to him about it but his opinion is just forget about it basically. I have found support online and am using that to connect to others who have been through a similar thing, which is really helping. Just sad that we can't speak about it together. A lot of men probably act a similar way and aren't open about their feelings x x

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Original poster
Claire73698 · 10/03/2022 16:39

@Weatherwax13 @mrsbitaly thank you Thanks

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