How to tell boss I'm pregnant after her awful loss?

[GeraldinesVicarage]

Hi, I wasn't sure where to put this so I'm sorry if it's in the wrong place.

I don't want to go into too much detail so as not to be outing, but my boss recently lost her baby at 20 weeks, when the scan showed no heartbeat. She was induced and delivered a little girl, and then had to have surgery herself. So all round a hugely traumatic experience.

She had not told anybody she was pregnant due to some concerns over potential medical conditions in the baby, she was waiting until after 20 week scan, so this loss was the first I had known of her pregnancy.

The thing is, I also found out I was pregnant in December (11 weeks now) and would have mentioned to her already if she had mentioned her own pregnancy, which would have made it easier.

Now I have to tell her, maximum a couple of months after everything that has happened to her. I feel awful and am dreading it. I am so aware that if all goes OK for me I am literally just a couple of months behind where she should have been, will be off on maternity when she should have been...etc etc.

Luckily we work 100% from home so she won't have to see me, and I have been thinking I will send an email so she can react privately. She is a really lovely person and I know she will send her congratulations to me, but I just feel so awful it's happening so soon after the loss of her baby. I had a MC myself late last year so I do understand a fraction of the pain, but it was early and nothing comparable to what she has been through.

Just wondering how others would go about handling this? I really want to be sensitive but equally am aware that the latest I can tell her is the start of May I think, so not very far away.

And i loathe the term rainbow baby.

My children are my children. They're not compensation children for the baby I lost.

I think it seems insensitive not to acknowledge her loss.

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the input.

I still have no idea what to do for the best! Will have to mull it over over the coming weeks.

If I did reference my own loss, it wouldn't be to go into the ins and outs and draw parallels, it would just be a small "Sorry if I'm telling you a bit later than is usual, unfortunately this isn't my first pregnancy so wanted to get as far as possible before letting anyone know this time", or something along those lines. Which tbh is true, and also just lets her know that I haven't had an easy ride to get here and a nod to some small understanding of how she might feel to read this email.

Personally, I think @AgathaMystery 's response is spot on. And what she says about honesty is so important - there is nothing wrong with it and doesn't ever make you less 'professional' IMO. What @AgathaMystery suggests acknowledges your boss's loss in a gentle and understanding way, gets across key information and doesn't overdo anything. It allows your boss to respond in a way she feels comfortable with - entirely 'professionally' or to open up room for more conversation if she feels like it.

Is she your boss or a friend or something in between. I would be inclined to send a professional email with facts and no emotions and shortly follow it up with a text that covers all the emotional stuff like references to her loss and you hope she’s ok hearing it?

This gives her the option of just responding professionally to the email if she wants (and to forward it and which then keeps her business out of hr files)

@Spottybotty20 I'd say mainly boss but we are friendly enough to share a lot about our lives, and she has been very honest and open with me about her loss and everything that has followed, medical procedures etc. We do chat as if we are friends, but equally wouldn't see each other outside of work.

So I guess sort of in-between? I'd say friendly enough that I'd feel very awkward to send her an email telling her I'm pregnant with nothing at all to show I have thought about how to tell her given the circumstances, even without referencing her loss directly.

In that case I’d do what @Spottybotty20 says.

Factual email for the work records and personal text that’s private between the two of you.

I absolutely would not mention the loss. It will feel directed at her given her previous loss.

Just send a totally factual email. That would be appropriate for anyone who is likely to find news of a pregnancy hard to hear.

It’s absolutely horrible to be told that someone else knows you’ll find their pregnancy news hard to hear. It’s bad enough to react like that to what should be happy news without having it thrown in your face. It seems inconsiderate but it’s what most of us that are in your boss’s position (based on threads in the infertility/miscarriage boards) actually want. Facts and nothing else.

@PurpleDaisies

I absolutely would not mention the loss. It will feel directed at her given her previous loss.

Just send a totally factual email. That would be appropriate for anyone who is likely to find news of a pregnancy hard to hear.

It’s absolutely horrible to be told that someone else knows you’ll find their pregnancy news hard to hear. It’s bad enough to react like that to what should be happy news without having it thrown in your face. It seems inconsiderate but it’s what most of us that are in your boss’s position (based on threads in the infertility/miscarriage boards) actually want. Facts and nothing else.

Agree 100%

Did she know about your miscarriage last year?

@BennieAndBert

I really like *@DowntonCrabby* suggestion.

I definitely wouldn’t refer to your previous miscarriage unless there’s some reason she needs to know (eg you’re having additional monitoring so need more time off), nor to her loss. Keep it professional and straightforward.

You sound a very thoughtful employee. I have been this boss. This is the way to go. Don't mention an early miscarriage or place her under any obligation to respond in respect of her own loss. It is possible she'll find your news excruciating despite wishing the best for you.

@Clymene

Did she know about your miscarriage last year?

No she didn't, I only told a couple of close friends and managed to get through all the hospital appointments etc without having to tell work.

But I do feel that if someone I had told went onto announce their pregnancy to me a couple of months later without even acknowledging it, even minimally, I'd feel that they were being thoughtless and would be hurt by it. And my MC was really not comparable to the immense experience she has suffered.

I wouldn't feel so awkward if it wasn't just so close together. If I had fallen pregnant next year I'd never even consider mentioning it at all, but I am just so aware that I am only a couple of months behind where she should have been and will be going on mat leave when she should have been. It's very in-your-face, and I'd struggle myself the other way round I think.

I just think there is no real 'winning' way to do it and I think I'd rather that she knew that I had tried my best not to be insensitive to her loss, even if it's something she'd rather not hear, than for her to think I was being an inconsiderate arsehole, which is honestly what I would think myself.

She will know you’ve tried not being inconsiderate by the fact you’ve sent her an email rather than told her face to face. There’s no need to be really obvious about it. That’s just making it all about you trying show you’re being considerate instead of actually being considerate.

Right, I personally don't agree with some of the posts on here. It's not a competition as to whose loss was worse - grief is personal and only felt by the person experiencing it, to whom whatever it is that she's gone through, may well be the most traumatic experience.

I am very much on the same page as you, OP. I had three miscarriages in a row before having my son, two of them missed miscarriages in late first/early second trimester. It was incredibly traumatic and every new pregnancy announcement, no matter how it was done, was very hard to deal with. I think you're on the right track - I would have really appreciated if someone approached this with empathy because you do have your own understanding, you bear your own grief. The baby loss community is in my experience very inclusive, despite the fact this may not have come across in some of the posts on this thread. And this means that if you are comfortable to open up about the fact you are expecting a rainbow, this might well be showing the empathy in a sense of leaving the door open for her to share her feelings or talk about the baby she lost. Whether she wishes to do it or not, it's her choice. I suspect she won't want to worry you especially that you're still early on, and that's understandable. She then has a choice to respond in a factual, professional manner only. But I think regardless, she will appreciate that you've left the door ajar. It will make her feel less alone, if that makes sense, and I personally think this is what really matters. As well as the fact we acknowledge the losses now, we talk more openly, it just makes the weight of it that little bit more bearable.

Of course if you don't want to share that this is your rainbow then don't. That's entirely your right and just stay very factual and professional then.

Also who the hell now takes an issue with "rainbow baby", it's a symbol of hope. Do you take issue with symbolism as a whole? The world and cultures would be much poorer without it. Honestly, there are many things one can take issue with, but this is not one of them.

You're a kind hearted person, OP Best of luck with your pregnancy xx

Oh and send it towards the end of her working time, not first thing in the morning. She'll have time to breathe then. xx

We're all different, Purple; some people like and relate to this, some people talk of angels etc, but to other people this is unrelateable and borderline mawkish. There is no right or wrong.