How to tell boss I'm pregnant after her awful loss?

[GeraldinesVicarage]

Hi, I wasn't sure where to put this so I'm sorry if it's in the wrong place.

I don't want to go into too much detail so as not to be outing, but my boss recently lost her baby at 20 weeks, when the scan showed no heartbeat. She was induced and delivered a little girl, and then had to have surgery herself. So all round a hugely traumatic experience.

She had not told anybody she was pregnant due to some concerns over potential medical conditions in the baby, she was waiting until after 20 week scan, so this loss was the first I had known of her pregnancy.

The thing is, I also found out I was pregnant in December (11 weeks now) and would have mentioned to her already if she had mentioned her own pregnancy, which would have made it easier.

Now I have to tell her, maximum a couple of months after everything that has happened to her. I feel awful and am dreading it. I am so aware that if all goes OK for me I am literally just a couple of months behind where she should have been, will be off on maternity when she should have been...etc etc.

Luckily we work 100% from home so she won't have to see me, and I have been thinking I will send an email so she can react privately. She is a really lovely person and I know she will send her congratulations to me, but I just feel so awful it's happening so soon after the loss of her baby. I had a MC myself late last year so I do understand a fraction of the pain, but it was early and nothing comparable to what she has been through.

Just wondering how others would go about handling this? I really want to be sensitive but equally am aware that the latest I can tell her is the start of May I think, so not very far away.

I’d send an email . I’d be very factual and not gush in any way. Don’t mention her own loss .

She is obviously a very private person if she didn’t tell anyone at work and she was 20 weeks.

I assume you have already offered you own condolence when this happened?

First of all Congratulations.
You sound like a really lovely,empathetic person and this comes across in your post .
Yes a good idea to give her your news in an email so that she can reply to you once she has absorbed your news .
Obviously any pregnancy news for your poor boss will initially be hard but hopefully she will also be delighted for you .X

@M0RVEN Yes I did offer condolences and have checked in often since with how she's doing.

I will definitely go with the email but I'd feel bad not to mention her loss at all though, I think that would surely be really insensitive wouldn't it? To just announce a pregnancy to someone who has recently suffered such a loss as if nothing has happened?

I wouldn't want to do anything gushing certainly, but I do think I should reference it somehow, even just to say I'm sorry if it's hard to hear this news.

She had told our team manager - due to appointments and stuff I guess - but it sounds like she wanted to wait for definite diagnosis after 20 week scan of some possibilities that were raised at 12 weeks.

Well you know her so you are a better judge of what is best.

I’m also a very private person and if I were your manager I’d dislike any suggestion that I would act in a less than professional way and / or be less than happy for you and your partner ( if you have one ).

I would hate my private sadness to be all over your HR file.

It’s not like you are asking her to gush all over you in the office every day. She only has to send an email offering her congrats / hope you are keeping well, and referring you to HR / company handbook on mat leave, let me know when you need Time off for appointments etc

I wouldn’t say ‘I’m sorry if it’s hard to hear this news’ like you’ve mentioned, I don’t think that sounds right at all (my baby was stillborn and I don’t think I’d have liked someone saying that while announcing pregnancy personally).

You sound lovely, I’d privately email and wouldn’t directly mention her loss, because then she’s obliged to reference it back to you while congratulating you really. Good luck every everything OP, sorry to hear about your loss too

Hmm this is interesting, OK - definitely taking on board that perhaps it's best not to mention then?

I definitely wouldn't want her to think I assumed she'd not act professionally or anything like that.

I'd just feel very harsh not to make any small reference to what she's been through but maybe that's the wrong way to see it in a work context.

Yes I agree with pp's. Keep it all very professional.

Though I understand why you feel the way you do, you have a professional relationship and I would think she would be relieved not to have to integrate her personal life into it.

You're clearly kind and I'm sure you won't be inconsiderate in your behaviour the rest of the pregnancy.

Don’t feel harsh OP. I remember a close friend told she was pregnant not long after I lost my daughter and she just sent a nice normal text letting me no she was pregnant and that was it. I was able to just reply congratulating her and then carry on as normal in conversation. I’d she’d have said, I’m pregnant, I’m sorry I no it may be difficult for you, I’d have been obliged to say ‘oh no it’s fine I’m ok, happy for you etc’ which wouldn’t have helped me at all, just reassured her. That’s how I see it, but we are all different people and I don’t no your manager. But like I say it’s lovely of you to considering her feelings so much, just thought I’d explain my opinion incase it helps.

Assuming you’ve already addressed and sent condolences regarding her loss at the time I wouldn’t do so again.
I’d be very factual and email her first along the lines of
“Hi Jane, I’m just giving you a heads up before the wider team that I am expecting. I am due on x and plan to go on maternity leave on y. I will email HR with my MatB when I receive it and plan to tell the team on z date.”

I’d say you have another while though before you have to tell anyone, get well clear of the 12 week scan, I didn’t announce anything at work until about 18 weeks.

@DowntonCrabby

Assuming you’ve already addressed and sent condolences regarding her loss at the time I wouldn’t do so again. I’d be very factual and email her first along the lines of “Hi Jane, I’m just giving you a heads up before the wider team that I am expecting. I am due on x and plan to go on maternity leave on y. I will email HR with my MatB when I receive it and plan to tell the team on z date.”

I agree with this. Keep to the facts she needs to know professionally.

I wouldn't keep bringing up someone else's loss unprompted, especially if she's quite a private person (just assuming as she hadn't announced her pregnancy by 20 weeks).

I went through something similar, my manager had a horrible miscarriage while I was pregnant. I think people here are probably right in saying not to reference her loss, otherwise she has to reassure you that she’s ok. If you want, you could maybe put something like “I wanted to let you know privately that… I’ll be telling the rest of the team on x date”.

I'd mention in a matter of fact way but incorporate the fact it's a rainbow baby/ follows the miscarriage you suffered last year.

I think in order to allow her to give you a professional 'congratulations as your manager' response, you need to word your email in a professional and factual way eg 'I'm pregnant and intend to take x months maternity leave, just letting you know so you can manage my absence' type thing.

I've suffered multiple miscarriages (although thankfully not a later loss like your boss) and have been heartbroken over both family members and work colleagues pregnancies. With family members, I felt like I could cope with the sympathy they showed me, but I would have struggled with that from a colleague. It's a very vulnerable feeling knowing people essentially feel sorry for you and not one I want in the mix at work.

Thanks everyone.

There is no wider team for me to tell, it's just the 2 of us in our region.

I think I will go with the consensus and just keep it basic and professional. I'd hate to think she felt I was pitying her and make her uncomfortable because I'm certainly not, just didn't want to cause extra hurt by her thinking I was being insensitive by announcing as if nothing has happened.

But I definitely take on board what you have all said and will steer clear of referencing her loss as that seems to be the preference.

@DowntonCrabby Absolutely, I am not planning to tell her anytime soon but I worked out the very latest I can do it is early May, so still only a matter of weeks after her own loss.

@Dunitagain I did think about mentioning that, so I don't seem smug.

I've been in your boss's situation but earlier in the pregnancy, and I agree about not wanting to have to deal with sympathy at work.

BUT, I would find it hard to read something that didn't acknowledge my situation, so I think @Dunitagain suggestion of mentioning the rainbow baby idea would work well - it is very subtle but it would work well.

I'd definitely mention it's a rainbow baby (if you're confortable with that).

You sound really lovely xx

Congratulations.

I get everyone's points about being professional but I think you can be professional and acknowledge these kinds of situations? I don't know, I agree with you OP, I would find it very hard not to say something, however light touch. And if I was your boss I would be very touched by an acknowledgement like that. But we are all different so I guess it depends on what kind of existing relationship you have with her and what kind of person she is.

@cossmoss This was my initial thought too. I have a friend who had a MC and a friend told her she was pregnant shortly afterwards and she was really upset and shocked that they hadn't even acknowledged her loss at all. But I guess that's a friend and not a boss, and maybe that makes it different? I don't know.

Thinking of myself, I don't know whether I'd be more mortified to think that the person telling me had been dreading and worrying about it due to my own history, or a bit upset that they'd acted like nothing had happened to me.

I think referencing my own loss is a good way to go - maybe I'll just use that as an explanation as to why I've waited longer to tell. Assuming all goes ok this time obviously.

I agree referencing your own loss would be a good compromise if you’re comfortable with doing that.

God no, please don't mention an early miscarriage. That seems to suggest you're drawing parallels between your two losses and they're not remotely the same.

I would go for factual email at 15 weeks before your due date.

I really like @DowntonCrabby suggestion.

I definitely wouldn’t refer to your previous miscarriage unless there’s some reason she needs to know (eg you’re having additional monitoring so need more time off), nor to her loss. Keep it professional and straightforward.

You sound like a kind person OP.

Here’s the thing; you can’t upset your boss. She’s already absolutely devastated. One of my areas of work is working with women whose babies have died. It’s really sad. The thing that can make it worse for women is when their babies or their grief are ignored.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being honest. Nothing.

‘Hi xx, I hope you’re okay, I think about you and your husband often & wonder how you are doing. Xx is often in my thoughts. I feel incredibly awkward but I’m emailing because I am xx weeks pregnant and I wanted to let you know because in xx weeks I plan to go on mat leave. I am not planning on telling many people due to a loss last year. please let me know if we need to discuss this or if you want me to email HR directly. I’m available between x & x on Thursday & Friday. Take care, ‘

Your boss will be happy for you. She wants her baby, not yours (I know you know that).

@Clymene

God no, please don't mention an early miscarriage. That seems to suggest you're drawing parallels between your two losses and they're not remotely the same.

I would go for factual email at 15 weeks before your due date.

That’s really pretty unkind, totally unnecessary to diminish the OPs loss in that way, particularly as this is the miscarriage board not AIBU. She did say that the two losses were different.

But also she doesn’t need to mention at what gestation she miscarried, a rainbow baby is a rainbow baby after any loss. Personally I wouldn’t reference her loss or her managers as I mentioned, but the OP has to do what she feels best in her situation.

I'm not dismissing the OP's loss @Cakelover17.

I had a missed miscarriage at 14 weeks when I found my baby was dead at my 12 week scan. It was horrible but not remotely comparable to having to make the absolutely heartbreaking decision to terminate a viable pregnancy when you discover your baby has a condition that's incompatible with life.

Most women choose not to share the news of their pregnancy until after their first scan because it's a sad fact that many pregnancies end well before the end of the first trimester. Early pregnancy testing means that chemical pregnancies are now considered losses.

They aren't in any way comparable with what the OP's colleague has been through and it's insensitive and dismissive to draw any kind of parallel.