Three miscarriages - feelings?

[Februarybluee]

Hi everyone. I posted the other day but this is more specific, about the emotional side of things.

I'm in the process of having my third miscarriage and I think I am in shock. I've had a few little cries but the last one I cried all the time.

Number 1 was surprise 'I didn't know this kind of thing happened' , number 2 was devastation 'maybe this was just incredible bad luck'c number 3 - I feel stunned.

At the moment I cannot even comprehend trying again. I think I need to process this first. I am a tryer though and I've been referred to the recurrent miscarriage clinic so I suppose we will.

I can't believe I am part of the 1%.

I just wanted to ask, how did you feel after your third miscarriage (or more)? Emotionally how did you handle things?

Thank you x

After the first one I was relieved. I knew things wasn't right and the hospital/midwives didn't really take it seriously so I was glad when I happened because I just knew that was the outcome. There was also a part like 1 in 4 women experience a miscarriage so I was like "ok I'm the one in 4".

The second MC was a chemical and I wasn't bothered more like "ok it's a late period"

The 3rd was harder because I had such awful morning sickness. Was kinda like I'm glad it's over and I'm gutted I was so close to 12 weeks.

My 4th was a TMFR and I'm still emotionally recovering from that.

Each loss has been a different reason and I'm hopeful for the future.

So sorry to hear this :( I have been through three and at the end of the road due to age. I find some days ok some not. A friend of mine’s partner has just had her first vis sperm donor - my friend is now a parent so I find that hard, she doesn’t really contact me anyway as too busy, probably for the best. But it’s hard for anyone to understand unless they’ve been through if. Big hugs 🤗 xx

I'm so sorry op. It's horrible and so few people understand. Many women have 1 or even 2 but when you get to the 3 plus it's hard to find people who understand. I've had 6. It's shit. When people who had 1 or 2 and then went on to have successful pregnancies tell you that they know how you feel it's really hard to politely smile when I want to scream at them "You've got no fucking idea!!!" The biggest thing is that you get to the stage where you just assume you're going to lose it whenever you do get pregnant and it's all consuming and just hard and sad.

My biggest tip is remember to take time to do nice things with your DP. Don't let TTC consume all of you.

Don't feel guilty for being angry and sad and jealous when friends get pregnant, there's nothing wrong with feeling jealous and sad, but remember to be happy for them too. During my journey my best friend had 3 children and we are lucky that I can tell her all about how MC and childlessness makes me feel, but also she off loads to me about all the stresses of having 3 kids. We're there for each other and sensitive to each other. Most of your friends will have kids while you're having your horrible journey so don't lose friends by becoming bitter.

Just be kind to yourself and take time. I'm sorry you're in this place x

@coneonastick

After the first one I was relieved. I knew things wasn't right and the hospital/midwives didn't really take it seriously so I was glad when I happened because I just knew that was the outcome. There was also a part like 1 in 4 women experience a miscarriage so I was like "ok I'm the one in 4".

The second MC was a chemical and I wasn't bothered more like "ok it's a late period"

The 3rd was harder because I had such awful morning sickness. Was kinda like I'm glad it's over and I'm gutted I was so close to 12 weeks.

My 4th was a TMFR and I'm still emotionally recovering from that.

Each loss has been a different reason and I'm hopeful for the future.

I'm so sorry to hear what you have been through. The fact you still have hope shows what a strong person you are. I hope it all works out for you

@Redheadednortherner

So sorry to hear this :( I have been through three and at the end of the road due to age. I find some days ok some not. A friend of mine’s partner has just had her first vis sperm donor - my friend is now a parent so I find that hard, she doesn’t really contact me anyway as too busy, probably for the best. But it’s hard for anyone to understand unless they’ve been through if. Big hugs 🤗 xx

I am 31 but I feel done. I don't know if we will try again. I keep thinking of using the money I saved for mat leave to upgrade to a house with a garden, or change jobs which I've wanted to do for ages but stayed so I'd get enhanced maternity pay.

Probably the grief making me have some sort of crisis tbh!

@Redheadednortherner

So sorry to hear this :( I have been through three and at the end of the road due to age. I find some days ok some not. A friend of mine’s partner has just had her first vis sperm donor - my friend is now a parent so I find that hard, she doesn’t really contact me anyway as too busy, probably for the best. But it’s hard for anyone to understand unless they’ve been through if. Big hugs 🤗 xx

Also I'm so sorry you've been through the same

Just bitterly disappointed at how unfair it all was.

I hadn’t touched alcohol, caffeine took folic acid daily, ate really healthily. Did everything right for years.

It was impossible to understand why everyone around me could have healthy children but I couldn’t.

Reoccurring miscarriage clinic held some hope but in the end provided no answers, no help and it was only on the very last appointment that one Dr actually told us the bare bone truth about it all and I wish I had been told that at appointment one.

They do not know why over 80% of miscarriages occur, they are unable to offer evidence based solid treatment to any one because they do not have this information. The end. That’s it.
They advise blood thinners, hormone treatment, high dose folic acid, but none of it is proven, has any evidence behind it but it MIGHT work.

For me, I went along with it all, why wouldn’t I, I was desperate. It just meant that the next miscarriage I had was more drawn out, the bleeding was more torrential and the pain was much much worse.
All for nothing.

It’s purely luck. That’s the truth of it, it’s luck.
That’s how I felt, I’d learned a bitter lesson.
I had 7 miscarriages.
Just kept going.

It’s shit, absolutely shit.

@anotherheadache

I'm so sorry op. It's horrible and so few people understand. Many women have 1 or even 2 but when you get to the 3 plus it's hard to find people who understand. I've had 6. It's shit. When people who had 1 or 2 and then went on to have successful pregnancies tell you that they know how you feel it's really hard to politely smile when I want to scream at them "You've got no fucking idea!!!" The biggest thing is that you get to the stage where you just assume you're going to lose it whenever you do get pregnant and it's all consuming and just hard and sad.

My biggest tip is remember to take time to do nice things with your DP. Don't let TTC consume all of you.

Don't feel guilty for being angry and sad and jealous when friends get pregnant, there's nothing wrong with feeling jealous and sad, but remember to be happy for them too. During my journey my best friend had 3 children and we are lucky that I can tell her all about how MC and childlessness makes me feel, but also she off loads to me about all the stresses of having 3 kids. We're there for each other and sensitive to each other. Most of your friends will have kids while you're having your horrible journey so don't lose friends by becoming bitter.

Just be kind to yourself and take time. I'm sorry you're in this place x

I'm sorry for you too

Haha I relate to that. People mean well but they DON'T understand.

Great advice about not letting TTC consume. Thankfully we never did we just had sex when we get like it and it happened. It was the miscarriages that were the hard part.

Speaking of consuming. I met my partner at 29 and we started to TTC about a year and a half in. We felt so happy to meet each other as we both planned to life life single as we had both had bad experiences. At the moment I'm thinking do I want to keep experiencing this throughout our 30s instead of enjoying each other and our youth?

Btw I have two step sons so not as if our lives are totally without kids.

About the jealousy I've had my few green eyed moments but I had therapy before my recent two miscarriages and it's really helped me understand to feel my feelings and feelings are ok and aren't to be judged!

@Yellowleadbetter

Just bitterly disappointed at how unfair it all was.

I hadn’t touched alcohol, caffeine took folic acid daily, ate really healthily. Did everything right for years.

It was impossible to understand why everyone around me could have healthy children but I couldn’t.

Reoccurring miscarriage clinic held some hope but in the end provided no answers, no help and it was only on the very last appointment that one Dr actually told us the bare bone truth about it all and I wish I had been told that at appointment one.

They do not know why over 80% of miscarriages occur, they are unable to offer evidence based solid treatment to any one because they do not have this information. The end. That’s it.
They advise blood thinners, hormone treatment, high dose folic acid, but none of it is proven, has any evidence behind it but it MIGHT work.

For me, I went along with it all, why wouldn’t I, I was desperate. It just meant that the next miscarriage I had was more drawn out, the bleeding was more torrential and the pain was much much worse.
All for nothing.

It’s purely luck. That’s the truth of it, it’s luck.
That’s how I felt, I’d learned a bitter lesson.
I had 7 miscarriages.
Just kept going.

It’s shit, absolutely shit.

Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry you went through all that.

My midwife referred me to the clinic. I said yes but not sure what we will do yet.

All that you have been through is my partner's concern and mine tbh.

If they find nothing wrong with me, I'm not sure I want to risk it again. For my physical and mental health.

After throwing in the towel would you recommend giving up and just enjoying other aspects or life?

Really interested in your response as the general response is to try again, get medical help etc.

I am a biological scientist so I know this may seem quite harsh to some but part of me thinks if my body doesn't want to have kids this means I have faulty genes and I shouldn't interfere with nature by passing them on by the way of medical help. I in no way apply this thought to others by the way just to myself.

Thank you x

@Yellowleadbetter please ignore the 'after throwing in the towel' bit I really don't know what I meant to put there!

Hi.
We did throw in the towel, we gave up.
I got the pill from my GP.
That was after the final and most horrific miscarriage.
I was very unwell both physically and mentally.
I waited for my period so that I could begin taking the pill.

My period didn’t come.
Feeling more and more unwell I presumed that I had remaining miscarriage products that had not come away.

I went for a scan to check for “retained products”.

Turned out it wasn’t retained products, it was a brand new pregnancy.
I gave birth to my healthy miracle baby after 10 years of trying and 7 miscarriages. I was 43 years old.

It was my time. My luck had come.

@Yellowleadbetter 🥲 I'm so happy for you that you got your baby.

How are you feeling about it all now? Did you ever go to therapy or counselling?

You are one strong woman!!!!!

Never went to counselling or anything like that.

Each of my miscarriages were horrific but because of the way I was treated.
I am a hardy old bird. I’m never ever off sick, don’t tolerate illness, very much a “get on with it” type however my miscarriages were never “like a heavy period”.
I always laboured, contraction type crippling pain needling morphine and gas and air. The bleeding was very heavy.
My treatment in hospital was always appalling, shocking in fact.
The pain was severe, intense but lasted about 12 hours. Once everything passed out of me, like a switch being flicked, the pain instantly stopped.

My treatment was what caused my trauma.
From being accused of seeking drugs, pain being in my head and not real, to being examined and left with no underwear or sanitary protection when torrentially bleeding.
Being shut in a room alone for hours in agony.
Passing one of my babies onto the floor when I stood up from the toilet, having to scoop it off the floor and press the buzzer and wait for a nurse to come.

Being alone as my dh had to look after our son (I lost 3 pregnancies before I had him) because we had family nearby but none of them were interested in helping out by watching our ds to allow my dh to be with me.

I was numb to it really.
Now, a few years on, if I told someone all of this (I have never ever told anyone any of this) they would think I was making it up.
No one would believe me.

I feel for everyone who goes through miscarriage knowing that this goes on. I feel sorry that they are given hope that really isn’t there, they are offered treatment that isn’t going to make a bit of difference to their outcome but potentially could make it 100 times worse.
I just feel sad and sorry.

In the end, it was ok for me, but man, what a ride to get there!

Hi OP, sending you lots of strength and love.
Sadly, I know the pain you are feeling.
You must be in an incredibly dark place right now. Take the time you need to grieve and process this

Third miscarriage broke me.

First one at 6 weeks I brushed off, I knew there's always a risk of miscarriage in any pregnancy. Second one 11 weeks was a shock. I had scan to check for "retained products" on the day we were supposed to do the magic 12 weeks everything is all right yay scan. But I picked myself up again one foot after the other on we go.

Third one though 9 weeks just completely sapped everything out of me. I've done counselling, didn't help, I kinda hated the counsellor's mmhumm poor you noises.

Can't do yoga or meditation because I just start weeping the moment I stop.

Throwing myself into work and hobbies instead. As long as I keep busy and have some physical exercise I can sleep and generally function. I'm almost 40, this might be my body telling me something here. You can't force nature.

(only speaking for myself obviously, your own mileage may well vary)

I think a lot of this is just a normal reaction tbh. The questions I ask myself are: am I looking forward to things? Am I overcompensating with bad behaviours like overeating, risk taking etc?

If the answers are "I have it under control" then it's just normal grief I think and I need to let time heal everything.

If the answers turn to "no I'm overwhelmed" I'll have to get help. But I'm not there yet. So I'm not letting on quite how broken I feel. Fake it til you make it...

I haven't had any counselling - although I've thought about it. I remember telling my boss about the last one so I took a few days off, he was good about that. I am 44 now so at the end of the road - so I suppose less in hope more moving towards acceptance. I did go to Coventry and they gave me the progesterone but that only helps if you get pg again. We did twice last year (2 mcs) but nothing since.

I just spend time with my horse although that nearly destroyed me last year - I suppose he is like my 'child' in a way, I've owned him 15 years and he nearly died a year ago with terrible colic, it took all of my savings and nearly wiped me out doing the post-op care. But my happy place is on his back and galloping on the beach...we are going back in May.

Im really sorry to hear all of your experiences.

I’m pretty sure I was within an inch of a breakdown, If I’m honest. It’s the one that hit me the hardest, with the realisation that I was in the 1%. I’d seen a heartbeat this time, and I’d so desperately wanted to believe the professionals that were telling me that many women have 2 miscarriages and don’t go on to have a 3rd.

This was the miscarriage that I knew, without any doubt that it wasn’t due to chance, or bad luck, that there was a medical reason for my miscarriages.

I took 6 months off psychologically, from all obligations except for work. This includes my friends - I am the person people bring their problems to, and I didn’t have room for that. At the end of that 6 months I got a diagnosis of APS, and I felt hopeful again as I at least now knew the cause. 3 months later the pandemic started and awful as it was, I didn’t have to give excuses for staying at home, and that helped a lot. I joined Facebook groups and found some comfort speaking to strangers who understood.

I was lucky that my next pregnancy was successful.

I've recently had my 3rd in a year. Its floored me tbh. I have pcos so its hard to get pregnant in the first place. I think the miscarriages have left me more fertile as I usually find it hard to get pregnant due to the pcos. The third I was nearly 10 wks pregnant. And under care of recurrent mc clinic. Was taking progesterone. Saw hb. I just dont understand it. We actually saw the baby this time. It was absolutely heartbreaking and I see it several times a day in my head. No idea if this is normal. The baby/tissue/foetus/no idea what to call it is being analysed but doubt there will be any answers. I thank my lucky stars we already have 2dc. But it is still so hard. Its been nearly 4 wks. Emotionally I'm not great, I've pretty much removed myself from life outside of immediate family. I'm actively avoiding my friends and can't bring myself to see DH's family. I just want to hide away and only be with my immediate family. The thought of it happening again and again is terrifying but we would love another baby so we will continue trying. So sorry you are going through this too. How are you coping?

I'm sorry you too have gone through this OP and sorry for your losses

I've TTC 11yrs, 3 losses and 2 rounds of IVF- no cause for sub-fertility found except being told its 'old eggs'! Started TTC age 32, which I realise is older, but not geriatric! 1st pregnancy I paid for the NIPT given my age and found out it had patau syndrome. We chose TFMR at 12 weeks. A year later I MC at 7 weeks.

Next pregnancy was via IVF and despite a viable scan with heartbeat at 7 weeks, I then MC at 9 weeks. Later than year, another round of IVF, another 2 blastocysts put in, but no pregnancy.

We all grieve differently. I've been offered counselling but never felt I needed it. I've always coped by looking at the good things- I live somewhere with modern day health care facilities, I have my own health still and no medical issues I'm aware of, I have a very supportive/loving husband, I have a good life otherwise. I know some people need days and weeks off work, but I generally returned a day or 2 later. It gave me something to take my mind off things.

I've had four- one at 6w, then a successful pregnancy with DD, then a missed miscarriage at 10w, a chemical and most recently an ectopic where I lost my tube. Those last three losses happened between April - Sept 2021. When I was admitted to the hospital for the ectopic I was running through my mc history with the nurse and I just thought "fuck. I'm one of those women now that just keep having miscarriages".

It was the second one that fucked me up to be honest. I keep thinking about that one, what should have been etc.

I'm waiting on a referral to see a consultant at the recurrent mc clinic but I'm not holding out much hope for answers. I had bloods done and they've all come back fine- because of that and the varying points I've lost them the early pregnancy unit nurse shared my view that it's just been rotten luck.

I've been involved in getting my work to introduce miscarriage guidance; probably too soon for me to be doing it, but it's healing in a way that it might help my female colleagues who end up in this shitty club in the future.