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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

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3rd MMC in a row - can't face telling anyone

6 replies

runningpram · 19/02/2022 01:00

Had ERPC today following 3rd miscarriage. I'm glad that we might now get some answers but feel a little alone.

DH and I haven't told anyone, largely because a close relative is about to have a baby and we don't want rain on their parade or cause them worry right now. We would also hate to cause elderly DP to be anxious for us when they have troubles of their own.

I also fear that if we tell other less close relatives or friends we might become a source of gossip. We've been trying for DC2 for 3 years now, and we're not getting any younger. I would hate for people to be sneering about me saying I left it too late. In reality we had no family help at all with DC1 (not because DP were unwilling but because they were unable) and no financial help to buy a home, so couldn't really contemplate another DC until we'd got on the ladder and things were starting to get easier with DC1.

Finally, I haven't told work. Largely I think because of embarrassment. This is the 2nd time I've had a MMC in a year. I also work in a very small team where my colleagues would have to shoulder a much bigger workload, if I went off sick. I'm not sure that my team really understood when I told them last time, although they made the right noises. I'm also concerned (very unreasonably!) that I might come across as being a bit chaotic.

Not really sure what I wanted to achieve by this post but it's felt quite cathartic! I think it's also fair to say that my experience shows that society still has a long way to go in the way miscarriage is treated.

OP posts:
runningpram · 20/02/2022 15:30

A little support at a difficult time would have been lovely but clearly not to be...

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Kezziek · 20/02/2022 16:25

Hi @runningpram so so sorry for your loss Flowers and that you are having to go through it again.

I appreciate that it's really hard having to be the one who is always going through something when it comes to work but it's not your fault and you do need to put yourself first in this no matter what others may think. They may surprise you with their empathy but either way it doesn't matter, you need to take the time to heal and you would want them to do the same im sure. Even if you can take a week, the workload will always be there and they will survive.

Sorry I have very little advice or comfort as I'm still battling with my own loss and how difficult it is to talk to others who understand in real life without making then feel uncomfortable . I think often they do care but really don't know what to say. Things won't change unless we are honest about it all, do be true to yourself, this is a physically and emotionally horrendous experience.

As for those who judge you for your choices they can get stuffed. xxxx

runningpram · 20/02/2022 17:27

thank you @Kezziak so kind of you

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Hireeed · 20/02/2022 17:43

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Is there anyone at work you trust who you can speak to about it? I've only had the one MMC and did just have the surgery Friday, go back to work on the Monday. It did mess me up a bit, I was desperately sad and hadn't told anyone about it, I got a lot more withdrawn and flat and the change in behaviour was bought up in appraisal. When I did eventually talk to someone they couldn't have been kinder, they encouraged me to refer to the private health provider for some counselling if that's an option for you at all. I really hope that you get some answers and the baby you're hoping for soon. Be kind to yourself. This isn't your fault and no one, no one will think it is.

OliveOyl321 · 20/02/2022 18:02

I’m so sorry for your loss @runningpram. I’ve had 3 MMC too and they just don’t get any easier. I know my family would want to know even if there were other things going on.

Your family won’t be able to do anything but it would be good for you to say it out loud irl if that’s something you felt would help you.
I sort of closed off and didn’t really want to talk about it while the losses were still raw (aside from with my DH) but you might feel differently.

Can you just get your gp to sign you off for a few days without disclosing the reason? Sending you hugs x

runningpram · 20/02/2022 20:13

thank you for your thoughts and sorry for your losses. I probably will tell my manager tomorrow if they are about...

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