Gift for friend who has miscarried

[Jumbonuts]

One of my best friends has really sadly had a miscarriage. I live far away so can't support her in a practical way other than being there on the other end of the phone if she needs me. I had fertility struggles for a long time so have never experienced a miscarriage and can't imagine how she must feel. I want to send her something to let her know that I'm here for her and thinking of her but I'm not sure what's best to send her. I've thought of just sending flowers or a self-care box, or a piece of memory jewellry but I'm worried in case I'll make it worse by sending something that serves as a memory of the baby she has lost, or does that help to have something to remember your baby by? I'm sorry if I say or am asking anything that may be upsetting or not the right thing, I just want my friend to know I'm here for her and to try to do something tiny for her at this really hard time.

I've also thought of sending her a Jizo statue as she used to live in Japan but again, I'm worried in case that will cause her more upset.

Hi OP. I have had two losses. In my experience, what the person would like varies. Some people will absolutely not want a reminder of what they have experienced and some would appreciate the gesture.

I'd suggest you speak to her and ask her. She will no doubt be touched that you're thinking of her like this, but I'd say it's best to just ask her if it would be ok for you to send her something.

Personally, I would not want a piece of memory jewellery. I would not want a permanent reminder of one of the worst times of my life. I think a self-care box or some flowers would be more appropriate, or even just a card to say you're thinking of her.

I hated getting flowers and having to watch them die, too.

Send over a meal - not a keepsake.

I found I really didn't want flowers after mine. I found them so depressing.

One friend sent me a lovely hamper full of little bits. Candles, bubble bath, big bottle of gin, face cream, face masks, that sort of thing. Just super soothing self care stuff.

Another friend set me up a profile on her Netflix so I had lots of things to watch as a distraction. That was great.

Another sent me a big pile of books. Again, a really good distraction and meant I could lose myself a bit.

One sent me a giant bottle of gin and some sweets. That was comforting too.

Everyone is different. But I definitely didn't want flowers. And I wouldn't have responded well to memory jewellery at that moment (now that time has passed I might, but in that moment it would have felt intrusive and too much).

I know a couple of pals asked my husband, which was good as he could steer them away from things that wouldn't have helped.

You sound like a lovely friend and I'm sure you'll find something that's right for her. X

One of my friends bought me a tree in a memorial forest. I think it was woodland trust? And it is comforting to think of something existing and growing that I can visualise because of my baby.

Also chocolate was appreciated and a lovely card. And I also received a few little memory trinkets like a glass heart and little Angel that are in places in my house that even a year on make me think of baby whenever I see them, and give me comfort that they’re not forgotten.

It felt to me like a bereavement of someone I knew so that emotional level.

I think watching fresh flowers die would have been painful. But not everyone is the same xx

Thanks for the responses. I hadn't thought about how seeing the flowers die might be difficult. I like the meal idea and speaking to her husband might help to know where she's at and if a memorial thing would be something that would be good for her or not.

As these replies indicate, everyone is different.

I was very appreciative of flowers I was sent when I had a late m/c, followed by difficult surgery.

I have never liked people sending me meals or food! I'd equally have no interest in the idea of a tree & anything memory-related would upset me.

I would always appreciate people thinking of me though.

My best friend was really insensitive. She had her first baby the day I had surgery. I was thrilled for her. Genuinely. But I removed her asking about 6 weeks after, 'are you still upset?' I was 😡 I replied shortly, but never brought it up with her & we moved on.

So, firstly, checking in regularly is the single best thing you can do. Secondly, you know your friend and are more likely to identify a gift she'd like. I'm not sure about asking - I'd just have said, no don't worry, if you asked me. For me, I'd had a traumatic experience (I collapsed & lost a lot of blood & was rushed to hospital, I encountered a really insensitive doctor, I wish to this day I'd complained after) and I wanted to talk about it but a lot of people really didn't want to hear about it. So someone saying 'tell me what happened' would have been the best gift for me.

• removed = remembered

I've had three and the nicest thing I received was a card. Just to have the pain acknowledged meant a lot as so so many people ignore miscarriages. And never use a sentence beginning with "at least..." so many people do and it is so upsetting.

You sound like a lovely thoughtful friend

I lost a baby at 12 weeks and I absolutely hated getting cards etc afterwards
I appreciated the sentiment but I really didn’t want acknowledgment from other people. But that’s just me, you know your friend best

A dear friend sent me some flowers with a card and chocolate. I felt very grateful and supported, it was so unexpected.