Feel like I've broken my DP trying to get our rainbow baby

[Janefx40]

Just as background, we have a DD from our second ICSI cycle so I know we are lucky. I miscarried our frozen embryo from that cycle at 9 weeks in August 2020. It was a drawn out process as we knew from 5 weeks that it probably wasn't going to work but the baby kept growing with a strong heartbeat but always an indication something would go wrong (size of yolk sac etc). 4 weeks later the heartbeat finally stopped. I went to every scan alone because it was Covid although he was allowed with me when I went into the surgery so again I know I was lucky.

Since then we've done a fresh IVF cycle (BFN) followed by 3 rounds of embryo banking and PGS testing, endless tests on me and just in the middle of a chemical pregnancy after our first euploid transfer.

DP didn't want to do endless treatment but I pushed. It's 18 months since we started this process and I'm giving him get more miserable news and telling him it's still not done.

And it's just hit me that I've done so much of this because we lost that baby and I just felt that if only I could have another baby, maybe it would be ok. But it's not ok.

He's so depressed, he barely speaks. He can't sleep. Our relationship is dead. I feel so selfish and so foolish. And we've spent every penny we had when we already had so much ie our DD.

And we can't stop now because we have another euploid so it would be silly not to try. But that could be months away and I don't know how we'll survive it.

Not sure if I'm asking anything. Just splurging really.

He's not a communicative man at the best of times and I just don't know if I can fix this.

Anyway lots of love to all of you and sorry that you find yourselves on this page xxx

@Janefx40
Hi Jane, I really feel for you and totally understand. I had my first ds and then suffered many late first trimester mcs and had several rounds of my ivf.
It massively changed our relationship and I felt guilty for that and for feeling like I was obsessed with getting a second baby. I also felt bad that I wasn’t as devoted to my ds as I was either grieving or doing cycles.
It was so hard to stop trying for no2.
It was actually me who became depressed and went on ADs. I can understand how this can also drain a partner though.
He does sound depressed.
I’m guessing you’ve tried speaking ? Has he got any good friends you can encourage him to confide in? My dh turned to his best mates and it was easier than talking to me, he didn’t want to burden me.
Is there any hobby he enjoys you can encourage ? You also need some time together, it’s so so difficult to feel romantic during such a heartbreaking process. If there’s any way someone can have your dd for a night or day so you can talk/cuddle etc
that might help
He might benefit from ADs and some counselling too. When I finally held a pregnancy my dh wouldn’t touch my stomach when he kicked. I asked him one day (third trimester by this stage) and he said he was too scared to bond with the baby. It was the first time I realised the grief wasn’t all with me. I think sometimes I was so caught up in how I felt and needing support, his feelings weren’t a priority. I was like someone drowning and frantically pulling him down as I tried to float.
Do you have a plan going forward? It helps to know what’s next. I had looked into doing a maximum of one more cycle then stopping
It’s so brutal. I still get flashbacks all the time of some of the harrowing things I went through.
I hope so much that your next transfer is successful

Lots of hugs.

Is counselling something you might want to consider?

Thank you

@Hoping4second I've seen the clinic counsellor a few times but can't afford to see her when it's not included as it's expensive. I've an appointment for Thursday.

@Swirlyspiral thank you. I really appreciated you sharing. I'm so sorry for your losses. It's a hard time but it will get easier. I know DP is traumatised by it but I get no support from him at all. He's not even given me a hug or even a kind word since we found out. I find it all so lonely. I want to be able to support him but he won't let me. And he definitely doesn't support me. I wonder if our relationship can survive this.

Anyway thank you to both of you xxx

I feel sorry for you and for your husband and your miscarriage was so sad. The pressure has obviously got to him.

Just concentrate on your existing daughter and leave the rest to chance. You are blessed to have her.

we can't stop now because we have another euploid so it would be silly not to try. But that could be months away and I don't know how we'll survive it

But you can stop now. You and your partner are broken by this process - why would you think it was silly not to try again ?

I lost four - gave up and stopped trying, concentrated on the child I had. Your daughter only has one childhood - don't spoil it by spending all your time trying to create another child. Talk to your counsellor - and talk to your partner.

I went through similar, counselling really helped me come to terms with the loss and the realisation that even a subsequent pregnancy would never replace or heal the loss in the way I was thinking it would. It sounds like at a time when you both need eachother the most you're both stressed, overwhelmed and its not doing either of you any favours. Hope you manage to find the peace you need to move forward.

I'm going through similar but the opposite. We decided to stop trying because dh couldn't take any more loss. I would definitely have been willing to carry on. So instead I'm the one that's depressed and resentful not him! I am having counselling so we'll see how that goes, but even though I know the desire to have kids is just a biological urge, it's so bloody strong and all encompassing. It's so hard.

I'm so sorry @Janefx40

Have you asked your DP whether he wants to stop? Looking back now I don't think I ever asked my DH that - all fertility issues and decisions were largely left up to me - we had a budget (we exceeded) and a timescale (we went over) - I suppose I thought as I was the one going through the procedures and the miscarriages and ectopics I had more of a say than him. I also didn't feel emotionally supported so why should I offer that to him?

Do you think you'll feel at peace stopping after this last euploid transfer? Knowing that you've really done everything that you can? X

@tiggerwhocamefortea thank you for understanding. Yes we talk about it. My DP wanted to do 2 rounds of IVF post miscarriage and then stop but we decided to do the embryo banking and I don't think either of us realised how long that would drag on. I thought it was a compromise because it was 3 collections but just one transfer (or so I thought). So in one way he's desperate to stop but he doesn't want to leave our euploid embryo behind so we both feel trapped not continuing.

@ohfook thank you for sharing and I'm sorry for your losses too. It must be so hard knowing you've had to stop when you would have kept going. But keeping going is no guarantee of success either (as I am proof). I think you are incredibly brave to make that decision for your DH and to face the reality with counselling. I hope it can bring you some resolution. Sending lots of love xxx

@Lampshading thank you. I do have a counselling session booked but it's with the clinic counsellor and she's so expensive I can't see her regularly. Maybe I will find one to see on an ongoing basis. I'm sorry for your losses and hope you have found some peace from it xxx

Thank you @ShippingNews sometimes we feel trapped by the process so it's good to get a sense check that we can stop if we want.

I would say that our daughter is utterly adored. We have cherished every moment of her childhood so far and enjoyed all of the wonderful stages of her toddlerhood. I think if anything we value her more for going through what we have.

We can both live without another child but we wanted her to have a sibling so she would have more family - we're both close to our siblings and it's been an important part of our lives.

One thing I'm proud of is that through all of this, I don't feel that we have missed out on enjoying her or focusing on her or that she has missed out on our attention or love.

Thank you all for your advice and support. Sometimes it's good to hear from some people on the outside xxx

I was feeling really broken and down when I wrote this. Slightly better today. We will have low moments and ok moments. Recovering from a failed cycle is a process. Recovering from a loss takes time and also has ups and downs for me. Thank you for being there in a very low moment. X

We all have our ups and downs, sometimes I think they should be an official part of the journey, so we know what's coming towards us. I'm glad you're feeling better x

Really sorry to hear your news @Janefx40 - I've seen your journey over the last year and you are such a kind and generous person. Please give yourself time and turn some of that kindness onto yourself. Your relationship will recover. It might take some time, and in the meantime be gentle with yourself. Your DD is so lucky to have you and you can be content knowing you have done everything you possibly can.

Thanks @SerendipitySunshine. How are things with you?

Thanks @IsabelHerna

Still going well thanks. You are in my thoughts. x