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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

Am I weird for feeling okay after a miscarriage?

13 replies

Crabsandcarbs · 27/01/2022 18:43

Hi all,

I had a mc a couple of years ago, then a healthy DD and have just had another mmc. The first mc hit me hard, I felt so empty and desperate to have a child. This time I was so upset when we found out there was no heartbeat, I felt so heartbroken and the wait to get it sorted was horrible. However, since actually seeing the foetus pass in hospital, I have just felt a sense of relief, like the bad dream is over. I felt this massive relief when it was done and dusted, and as my pregnancy symptoms have instantly disappeared, I feel full of energy and ready to look forward and try again. Maybe by day 3 my hormones will settle and I might start to feel shit? My husband is still feeling quite low, so I feel like a heartless monster for feeling like this. Maybe because I saw it pass, I've been able to process it? Or maybe because its second time round and I'm not much of a dweller. It's obviously sad, but I feel like I felt that sadness when it happened and I now just want to look forward without looking heartless. Just wondering if I'm alone in this...

OP posts:

Sunbird24 · 27/01/2022 19:02

There is absolutely no ‘right’ way to feel OP, you’re fine. I had my 4th recently, and I am more ok this time than I was with the previous ones. It may or may not sneak up on you another time, still normal.
With your husband, can you have a conversation with him about your respective feelings and how you support each other? It’s ok to be in different places emotionally as long as you both remember you’re still a team. You’re definitely not a heartless monster!

MsMeNz · 27/01/2022 19:12

Yeah I lost my first to a MC, I will probably get flamed for this but I didn't choose my feelings they just were what they were.... I wasn't bothered at all.
I was mid twenties, wasn't trying, and really all I thought was cool I can get pregnant that's reassuring, I was told thought be hard for me due to pcos and confirmed my husband had swimmers. And I also thought that it was lost for a reason as something was most likely wrong with it genetically hence it didn't stick so it was for the best (the scientist in Me) 🤷

Obviously i am sure I would have had a very very different sad reaction if I had been trying for years or I'd seen it bouncing away on a 12 week scan like I had for my following 3 pregnancies.

ShrillSiren · 27/01/2022 19:16

When I had my first miscarriage I felt disappointed but not too sad. As someone said above, I was happier that I now knew I could actually get pregnant as I have PCOS and it took a while to conceive. Plus I'm a bit of a pessimist anyway so sort of expected it to go wrong anyway. I went on to have DC1 & 2 then another miscarriage which was more upsetting as it was an MMC and was at 12 weeks or so whereas the first one was 6 weeks.
You feel how you feel.

Original poster

Crabsandcarbs · 27/01/2022 21:42

Thanks so much everyone, you have no idea how much your comments have helped put my mind at ease. We get pregnant really easily and I think I think it must have happened for a reason, e.g. an abnormality, I am from a science background too @MsMeNz and I think that's how my brain has processed it...

OP posts:

SD1978 · 27/01/2022 22:05

Nope, not unreasonable. I had one, second trimester but early on, and after the initial shock, I can't say it affected me- it wasn't meant to be, and that was that. You are allowed to feel the way you do- not everyone is still grieving days/ weeks/ months afterwards, and that's ok. It's also ok if you are, but you don't have to be.

Hairyfriend · 27/01/2022 22:15

So sorry for your loss. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I read of some women on here who take weeks or months off work, cant carry on etc. I'm not like that at all, but we are all different.

I'd TTC 4yrs and when finally pregnant, but found out he had patau syndrome so we chose TMFR. Next pregnancy a year later, I MC in the work bathroom (no pain so wasn't expecting that!). Took the next day off for a scan then back at work next day. 3yrs later and IVF finally worked, but I MC at 9 weeks that time.

Yes, I was sad with each loss, but for me, I felt carrying on was best, rather than sitting on the sofa crying all day. I looked at the good in each situation. I still had my own good health, my DH is fantastic, I live in a country where I receive modern healthcare etc. We are still childless, 10yrs on with no cause for sub-fertility ever found, but I have a happy life and things could always be so much worse.

SarahBasil · 27/01/2022 22:16

I felt the same after my mc. Sad when I found out but basically over it after I had passed the fetus. It was a planned pregnancy but I just thought it was one of those things. Mc is not devastating for everyone.

blyn72 · 27/01/2022 23:16

You can't help how you feel, crabs, good or bad.

Enjoy the fact that you are feeling well and do take it easy for a few days.

JulesRimetStillGleaming · 02/02/2022 03:10

I was euphoric after my first miscarriage. I assume it was the hormones. I naturally assumed I'd conceive again but I haven't and now I'm in despair except for a few days of hope each cycle that goes nowhere.

Our minds and bodies go where they go. However you feel is valid.

Jmommy · 08/02/2022 09:22

I felt a sort of relief when I found out my third pregnancy was a blighted ovum. I had previously had one mc (felt sad about this for a week or so), then a live birth. I had struggled to conceive before my first mc, so was a bit of a surprise that the third pregnancy took from a random rare occasion of sex It was too soon, my DS was just 10 months at the time. Later conceived DD at a more planned time. Apologies if this post seems insensitive to those struggling with mc related grief.

MindyStClaire · 08/02/2022 09:30

I wasn't overly upset about mine - sad of course, but we're lucky enough to conceive quickly and had a young DC already so could be reasonably confident we would have a healthy pregnancy soon (which turned out to be the case).

Miscarriage is so common I see it as a normal part of TTC and having children, most women I know who've had DC have had at least one.

I probably would've felt differently with a first pregnancy or if I'd been TTC a long time.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 08/02/2022 09:34

After many dc I had a toddler and ttc again. 3 chemicals and then a mmc at 8 weeks. Passed an intact foetus into my hands. Home alone and the chance to say goodbye. Then back to school pick ups and making tea. No time or emotional strength to dwell.

Told dh never to mention it again..
And we haven't. Due date- strange coincidence was this week...

Glitterygreen · 08/02/2022 13:23

Yes my first pregnancy ended in an early miscarriage at about 6 weeks and I didn't really have any emotion around it at all. I actually felt quite awkward that EPU kept offering my sympathy and helplines etc, I didn't feel that I belonged in the bracket of people who had suffered losses later on. I had only known about the pregnancy for 2 days.

I am pregnant again now and think I'd feel differently with this one as I've known longer and we've started to think and plan and talk about it.

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