Early miscarriage loss tips

[LittleMrsMama]

Hello,

I've just had a miscarriage at 5 weeks and am struggling. I feel so sad and then I feel guilty and silly for being sad because it was so early and I should never have gotten excited. I'm embarrassed I even started thinking of names.

For me, part of the challenge is only DH and I know. I don't think I will ever tell anyone because I think they'll feel like it was early and I shouldn't feel sad and also I don't think it helps anything apart from them maybe not asking when I'm going to have a baby. A few of my very close friends are pregnant and as much as I think it will be hard to see them at first I don't want them feeling awkward or that they can't talk to me if they knew about the miscarriage.

Instead I've had a look online but there doesn't seem to be many people that talk about early miscarriage but I would love to understand whether others felt the same, how they got through it etc.

Does anyone have advice? Am I being silly feeling down about this? Do you ever stop thinking about what this pregnancy could have been?

You’re not being silly. Please tell people who are close to you - “I’m feeling very low because I was in early pregnancy and then suffered a miscarriage”. Let people know, so they can take care of you. And it’s fine to take a little step back from anyone pregnant, it’s sod’s law that half your social circle gets knocked up when you suffer a loss.

One of the shittiest things about miscarriage is how little it’s talked about, so that when you experience it you feel isolated on top of sad, grieving, whatever.

I had an early miscarriage. It absolutely destroyed me. I still think about it/the circumstances around it, but I’d say the things that heal are time and open air - ie do feel whatever you feel, talk when you want to talk.

Thank you so much @TheWayTheLightFalls and I'm so sorry for your loss. It's comforting to hear I'm not the only one who has felt like this and it's fairly normal.

I expected the hospital to give me a leaflet or provide support but the dr was so blasé about it and said some people wouldn't have even known they were pregnant which I felt like she was saying I shouldn't be sad and I need to get over it. I'm sure that wasn't her intention and she must tell people much further along that they have miscarried so sees me and things it's very minor but to me it feels like a big deal. Then I just feel silly for being upset.

I think I'll let my closest friends know as you say. They probably think it's weird I'm not replying to our WhatsApp group

I also suffered a miscarriage this week and I was only 5+4, so I share your feelings of guilt that it was so early so somehow I don't have as much right to feel such suffering. But that isn't true. I also started thinking about names. We've experienced a loss, something that could have been, and it's okay to grieve this. I have found that sharing with my friends and family have helped. You need support and care from your loved ones ❤️ I'm here with you.

A loss is a loss and you have every right to grieve your child. For me it was the fact that all the hope and plans I had for that baby was suddenly just snatched away. You might also experience a lot of anger too - again perfectly normal. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Regarding telling people, at the time I told a couple of close friends because I was struggling and afterwards I really wished I hadn’t because they didn’t understand. They were sympathetic of course but it was the inane unsolicited advice they would give that would just piss me off and I know they were only trying to help but it made me feel worse particularly because we went on to have another 6 losses before finally having a successful pregnancy. Every conversation would start with a loaded ‘Any news?’ and I knew that they were asking if I was pregnant. Or telling me that their cousin had the same problem and it was because of something her husband wasn’t eating or that such and such was pregnant and they had done IVF too when I knew our IVF was failing.

Sorry, that turned into way more of a rant than I meant it to but it was a hard enough road without well meaning people trying to help me when they knew nothing about miscarriage or fertility.

There really isn't enough support around early miscarriage, so sorry for your loss

Do tell your friends if you know they'll be sensitive about it. I'm pregnant and one of my closest friends also recently had an early miscarriage. I'm glad that I know because it means she can be open and tell me if she needs to step away or not hear about anything and I can make sure I'm more sensitive about what I share with her, I'd hate to have found out later that I'd done something that made her hurt more than she was already.

Thanks for all the love and advice. Because I have a toddler already I've been getting the 'are you planning on having more?' Type questions from as soon as she was born. I don't think people realise how tough a question like that can be for most women who are either desperately trying, have a loss, or even just don't want kids and don't feel the need to explain.

@Mufflette congratulations on your pregnancy and hope it all goes smoothly for you! It sounds like you're an amazing and understanding friend. I still haven't told my friends, I just can't find the words. My best friend who is also pregnant knows I'm pregnant. She sent me a pregnancy related text yesterday and it made me so sad but for some reason I just responded as if I was pregnant still as couldn't face typing it out. I also feel a bit guilty like I've let her down because we were planning to be off together and we could celebrate the stages together but now I think she'll feel awkward, especially if I'm finding it hard as much as I'll tell myself to act normal and happy for her