Miscarriage trauma and so much guilt.

[Carolyne89]

I started getting brown discharge on Christmas Day and, after a few days of dialling 111, talking to Out of Hours, another 111 call, A&E and a private scan, we found out our baby had died before Christmas. I was referred for a scan but the bleeding got worse on New Year's Eve. Was examined, had a blood test and was told to come back in 2 days. Woke up the night after with severe pains and bleeding and for some reason I somehow knew what was happening. I ran myself a bath and lit a candle and played some music. I delivered my baby in the water. I lost a lot of blood and collapsed on the floor. Ambulance came and I was taken into hospital and the staff were amazing at making sure I could see my baby and say goodbye. We've arranged a private cremation and I'm having baby's ashes put into a piece of jewellery. Our miscarriage was over a week ago and the emotions I'm feeling are overwhelming. I am angry, I'm broken and I feel empty inside. But the guilt and the shame I feel is worse. I keep going over and over every single thing I ate/drank/did during that week and I feel so convinced that it was my fault. The guilt eats away at me everyday. I can't stop thinking about that night I miscarried in the bath and every time I have a bath now I just cry and get out as fast as I can. This was our first pregnancy and we're just angry. I'm angry that my one dream was ruined 😢💔

I'm so sorry you're going through this .
Firstly it's not your fault, there is nothing you did wrong and there was nothing you could have done to prevent it. I spent years blaming myself for losing my baby and no one could change my mind. I cried every single day. I didn't want to do anything. I hated me and my body. I wouldnt go to hopsitals because it reminded me of it, hated pregnant women, baby adverts anything baby wise. After sick of feeling so bad i decided to go to counseling. It helped to change my thoughts. I realised it wasn't my fault and how I was feeling was normal and part of the grieving process. You need to give yourself time as it's still so raw. Your baby will always be there no matter what, never be forgotten. I light a candle on every special occasion and can now talk about it without breaking down. Losing a baby is the hardest thing ever your not alone. Please please don't blame yourself just give yourself time to grieve and if you need to cry then do that if you need to scream then that's OK too. Just take care of yourself

Thank you. I just cry on and off every day, I feel guilty for smiling or laughing, I keep watching my video of my little baby's heartbeat and I just keep thinking why did it happen, why us. We were so ready to be parents 😩

I felt exactly the same, there are no words to describe the loss and it really does take time. I remember being angry with my dp because he didn't get upset like me or he seemed to carry on everyday and I just couldn't. I got angry with everyone infact and just wanted to be alone and have my baby back. I didn't want another baby I wanted that one. I needed ivf after losing my baby as I have other issues but even going Into ivf I felt guilty I was replacing the baby we lost. I know it doesn't seem like it will get any easier but it does, never forgotten but it will ease and one day when your ready again you will be a mum and always remember the baby that may not be with you in person but you will always carry. Take it easy and grieve and cry whenever you want to.

I'm sorry about what you're going through. Everyone keeps asking me "How are you" and "How you doing" and I just say I dont have an answer for it. My actual answer is "I'm broken and empty and I want my baby back". Im up and down still, just keep breaking down and crying all the time. I feel angry and sad and confused and I can't even think about going back to work because I look after children and I still feel so angry I can't be around them if I'm feeling like this, but still need to pay bills.

That must be hard with your job. Could you not speak with your boss and explain the situation? I completely understand the fact you have no answer when people ask how you are. There literally isn't any words but inside you know how you feel. There are a few online miscarriage groups where you can talk to others in a similar situation I found them really helpful because I felt I couldn't speak to friends/family. I didn't really know anyone who lost a baby so there wasn't anyone who I could relate to either so they helped me and it felt good knowing I wasn't alone and could talk to others going through the same too.

I'm so so sorry for your loss. I've been there. Sadly a lot of women have. It nearly broke me and remains the hardest thing I've gone through. I'm afraid time is the greatest healer, imo, and please keep talking about your feelings to your partner and friends. Sending love.

My boss has said to take care of myself and they're all thinking about me. There's been no pressure yet to think about returning. My partner is slowly approaching the subject but I just told him I can't think about it yet. Luckily I have friends who have been in the same position and my partner and family have been incredible so I have support at home. I just can't shake the guilt and the flashbacks to the night I miscarried and I've referred myself to counselling.

@TheWayTheLightFalls

I'm so so sorry for your loss. I've been there. Sadly a lot of women have. It nearly broke me and remains the hardest thing I've gone through. I'm afraid time is the greatest healer, imo, and please keep talking about your feelings to your partner and friends. Sending love.

Thank you very much. All my family and partner keep encouraging me to talk and it's helped. My emotions are all over the place still. Sometimes I just cry for ten seconds and then I stop, and then I'm staring into space for ages. I feel guilty for smiling or laughing, and I even feel ashamed when I let our remembrance candle go out when the tealight candle needs replacing - something I can't control but I can't help it.