Feeling lost after miscarriage and coping alone

[Pickle4567]

I am hoping this will be therapeutic. I found myself pregnant accidentally in my 40s after accepting I would not be having any more children ( mostly due to partner and I not coming to an agreement on the issue). After discussion we decided to continue with the pregnancy and got excited until I discovered at 12 week scan that I had a missed miscarriage.
Now several weeks later I find myself switching between desperate sadness and loss at the family I thought I would have, anger that this has happened and guilt for making a fuss when so many people have experienced so much worse.
The worst part is I believe my partner is happy this has happened as he never wanted it in the first place. He says things that sound supportive but is quick to become irritated when I am unhappy as if I should have got over it by now and I am bringing everyone else down. I know it is not his way of grieving as there is no grief on his part.He’s chirpy and whistling because now he gets back the life he wanted. How am I supposed to deal with my feelings and come to acceptance whilst also trying not to be maudlin and annoying. I know there is 0% chance of us trying for another and I am crushed.

Hi @Pickle4567

So sorry for your heartbreaking loss, its such an awful thing to go through. I can relate to your situation, having lost my baby recently at 10 weeks just before christmas.
Surprise pregnancy late 30s. Had previously felt family was complete but as they grew I did want more and i've battled with broodiness on and off for years if I'm honest. After we got over the surprise we got excited and my children were really pleased to be having a sibling after asking for years for us to have another baby. I loved the thought of them being old enough to help and give the baby lots of attention. I was excited about maternity leave and having more time with the whole family. My DH was really anxious about the practicalities but also seemed pleased and was telling everyone even though we weren't 12 weeks. Since we lost however I too sense he is almost relieved and he has been cheerful and able to get on with things whereas for me all joy is gone. I know they process things differently, he says he didn't carry the baby or experience what I did so it doesn't seem as real to him
I'm grateful he isn't a mess like me but also feel very alone with it.

I am struggling with the grief of losing that hope and the plans I had made in my head. I also struggle with how sick i was for those 10 weeks, couldnt do much and it was all for nothing. Today I would have been having my dating scan and then telling my colleagues. My DH doesn't want to try again either but I don't know how I will get over this loss without finally having a baby to hold 😩. Everyone says just be grateful and focus on what you do have, but that's easier said than done I am finding but hopefully in time it will be enough for us, I know I am blessed to have been fertile in my younger years.

My loss is still quite raw but i dont imagine I will just get over it anytime soon, others move on but we are changed forever. Please give yourself lots of time and grace to grieve Also keep being honest with your DH, that's what I plan to do. We can't make them want another baby but maybe with time and understanding they will come round or at least be able to try to appreciate how it feels.
Have you considered counselling?
I don't think I could face it myself right now but I know it massively helps others and I think it's more helpful once some time has passed from the initial trauma. I have personally found it helpful just writing this post to you, sorry to blabber on xxx

So sorry you are experiencing this. I had a mc in July following a surprise pregnancy and no one knew/ cared. It seemed like a relief to my DH. Feel free to post here for support/ distraction, I am happy to chat.

Thanks for responding guys. I’m so sorry about your loss as well. I found it being just before Christmas especially hard as I had to pretend for the sake of others to be happy even though I definitely didn’t feel it. So much of what you both said echoes my own thoughts and feelings. I have found out today that he has started the process of vasectomy so I guess that tells me how much he doesn’t want another baby. I have found this difficult as I am an ever hopeful person but this has killed any hope I had so I guess I’ll have to deal with it. I genuinely can’t believe it’s all over and now life just has to carry on as normal? Except my normal isn’t the same as it was before so how is that possible?
We have talked and I think he is beginning to understand my perspective a bit but I’m still pretending that I’m ok with it all as I definitely don’t want to deal with arguing on top of my emotional state.
When I’m with my family I often find myself thinking ‘who’s not here?’ And then realising I’m subconsciously adding in the extra person. I’m afraid at al times someone else is going to reveal their pregnancy news and I’m gonna lose it. I’m tired.
It does help to get back into the routines but mostly to talk to others who exactly know my position. So many others get to try again (and I’m happy for them) but knowing now that this is the end for me cuts deep.
I’m happy to listen to any rants and thank you for listening to mine.

I also had a miscarriage at 10 weeks in November and still can't get over what happened or the experience out my head it's the worst thing I've ever been through just feel so empty xx

I lost a twin there at 13weeks. Found out twin died at scan by myself on my birthday. I was 15weeks when I found out. Had to get partner to leave due to abuse just before Christmas. He even knew this wee twin wasn't doing too well. Iv had no comfort from anyone, no one has even asked how I am. I'm dealing with this alone with our 9 month old and my 3 and 6 year old . All I can think about is this wee baby. I found out on the 5th of January there. They are brothers.. . Yesterday I read lots of poems about misscarriage on the Internet. I cried my eyes out but also found alot of comfort. I am going to get a frame that has the little verse about the angel signing the baby in the book but closed it and said too beautiful for this earth and I'm looking out for a frame which has two spaces for the scans and a place for a verse relating to twin brothers... I am going to put them on my kitchen wall and I think this will be my comfort and some kind of acknowledgement of my wee baby boy who we lost.. other people may not understand and maybe lack compassion or empathy or are afraid to talk about your wee baby... no one can understand that a mothers love begins from the very start and never ends .. no one can understand unless they've been through this themselves.
Find something that brings you comfort. ... and if someone gets annoyed at you getting annoyed or upset and tries to minimise your feelings then they've no respect.for you. Please check red flags for narcissists.
I hope you find comfort somewhere somehow xx

Thought I was coping well and then the first pregnancy announcement hit me today. A person who became pregnant accidentally like myself but she gets to keep hers. Baby number 4 for her. I’m so bitter. How is it fair that she gets hers and I can’t have mine? Why does she have a partner that will do what she wants but I don’t? Why do I have to pretend I’m happy with my lot ( which objectively is a good life) but really I don’t care about holidays or drinking wine. It’s no substitute for the baby I could have had. Why does my partner get the life he wants but I don’t and I have to somehow be normal for everyone else ? Im so jealous and wish my partner was different so that I could try again. I can’t believe this is my life! Even the positive moments are tainted with loss. I have no enthusiasm, work feels pointless, life feels pointless I want excitement but nothing will compare to being a new parent. How can this be what life is. I don’t know how to change it and Ive had enough of feeling this low.
I need to rant but I feel like I can’t talk to friends as I’m “ going on about it” and just bumming them out.