MMC - coping worse, not better

[ProseccoPartyPoppers]

We discovered at 8 week scan that there was no longer a heartbeat. This was just before Xmas. They said they needed to do another scan in a week before they could offer me any intervention, which meant Xmas and NY carrying the baby I'll never have around with me, which has devestated me.

I'm booked in for ERPC next week and I feel pathetic at how badly I am coping. By the date of the surgery I'll be 10+2, and I've still felt pregnant this whole time with sickness and the lot.

I can't stop crying. I'm so down. I have no interest in doing anything. We are isolating so I don't catch COVID before the op and so couldn't go out even if we wanted to.

I'm stressing about missing work because it's a really important time and I'm letting everyone down. I feel pathetic for knowing I'll need at least a week or maybe 2 after the ERPC to feel like I can go back.

I just need to know if this is all normal. I'm struggling so much.

I’m so sorry
Tommy’s have midwives trained in bereavement support. The helpline number and email address is towards the bottom of this link.
www.tommys.org/baby-loss-support/miscarriage-information-and-support/types-of-miscarriage/missed-miscarriage-information-and-support

@ProseccoPartyPoppers I am so sorry for your loss. From my limited experience, everything you are feeling is completely normal. Grief is not linear and you will have ups and downs - right now you are in the thick of it and just need to take everything one day at a time.

I'm just a few weeks post ERPC and also carried the baby around with me after a MMC for 3 weeks unknown and then 2 weeks known, I am so sorry, I know it's awful.

I spoke with a private GP and got myself some therapy because I felt exactly the same as you, no interest in anything. When I explained it to her she told me to cut myself some slack, so I can only try and pass on that advice. You've been through, and are still going through, something huge. Be kind to yourself as much as you can.

Sorry I can't offer much else apart from solidarity and it does get a bit better when you hit some milestones (post surgery, negative test etc).

Please don't worry about work, I felt the same and ended up going back after 1.5 weeks, which was not enough time. Some things are bigger than anything work can throw at you.

Thinking of you x

@BeLessMe thank you for responding and for the link, really appreciated X

@MO22 your reply has brought (more) tears to my eyes. Thank you so much. I'm so sorry you went through this, it's such a difficult and confusing time. Your words have made me feel a lot less alone, and like I'm doing ok. Thank you ♥️

@ProseccoPartyPoppers I am really sorry for your loss. I had a MMC and it was a very tough time. In my case it was a blighted ovum, which made me feel a little bit better as there was no embryo, but it was equally heartbreaking. I was back at work after a week, but I was distracted and distant for a few weeks afterwards. My due date would have been around Christmas and, although I am currently 17 weeks pregnant, I had some days when I was really sad for the baby that never was. Please don't feel your grief is inappropriate. Your feelings are completely valid and there is nothing pathetic about mourning the loss of your baby, no matter how far along you were.

Oh 100% normal. The wait, knowing it was all over, was the hardest thing I've ever been through. Really awful mental place and I don't think my dh fully got it - he is mourning too, but it's not his body that was being a living coffin that long.

The book the brink of being, talking about miscarriage by Julia bueno really helped me.

It's too raw for me still to offer helpful advice but you are 100% not alone. Hang on in there. In a few years' time when we're running after little toddlers hopefully the memory of this will have faded and will just be the background to a full, rich and happy life.

@ProseccoPartyPoppers I am so sorry for your loss. Everything you are feeling is normal, please don’t give yourself a hard time, you need to allow yourself to grieve. I am in a similar situation to you - ERPC booked for next week and I have felt very sad, teary since finding out and haven’t wanted to see anyone. We have to give ourselves time to process and I know in time we will feel better. Sending you lots of hugs xxx

Oh goodness. I’m so sorry for your loss. Of course it’s normal to feel the way you do, it’s such a traumatic experience.

I found out about my MMC at 13 weeks and I was devastated but also in shock. I was signed off work for the time I had Surgery and two weeks after. But I was so restless and shocked that I worked through a lot of it and threw myself into work following that. Nearly six months later I’m really regretting that as I didn’t take the time I needed to grieve and I’m all over the shop now. Please take the time off and look after yourself.