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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

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Why do people say this??

7 replies

PollyPepper · 13/12/2021 10:20

'It's so common'

Yeah well so is cancer and no one would say it then. In fact, cancer is more so at 1 in 2 and miscarriage I believe is 1 in 4.

I know people are just trying to help but since my MC at 12 weeks a year ago I have heard and seen it a lot and I just don't understand it.

OP posts:
MartyHart · 13/12/2021 10:21

Might be a ham-fisted way of saying you aren't alone?
For you Flowers

PurpleDaisies · 13/12/2021 10:21

People don’t know what to say so they say ridiculous and unhelpful things without thinking.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

showmethegin · 13/12/2021 13:47

I agree with you OP. I got that a lot as well as shit loads of sentences beginning with "at least"; ie "at least you can get pregnant". It's not helpful and just makes it worse. The only thing people need to say is "it is utterly awful, I am so sorry".

I am really sorry for your loss. I had some trauma and grief counselling after my third which really did help (was sceptical initially).

PollyPepper · 14/12/2021 10:57

@showmethegin yep, that too!
I got the 'at least you have step kids' like it's in any way the same and doesn't actually make things 100 times harder.

OP posts:
Oilofolives · 14/12/2021 11:05

Flowers for you

I agree: people wouldn’t say it if you told them a parent had died.

I think generally people are quite uncomfortable with grief and some try to find something to say that makes them feel better. I try to remember that we all say unhelpful things, but it doesn’t change the feelings of isolation that come with the comments.

irene88 · 17/12/2021 09:42

I had a miscarriage back in June 2021 (22 weeks pregnant now) and I was lucky that no one made unfortunate comments (except for the man who helped us with the move just a week after my miscarriage and seeing the new flat with 3 rooms said it was about time we started filling it up :/ He meant well, but I was a bit shocked).

The truth is, it is very common and it is a sign we can get pregnant. I say so myself, and I don't think it's insensitive. It doesn't change or remove the pain we're feeling because at least for me, I wanted THAT baby. Of course I also want THIS baby that I'm carrying now, but it doesn't change my feelings for the previous baby. He or she was meant to be born in January, and nothing is going to change the fact that I won't be having my baby in January.

I do believe that talking about how common it is helps reduce the stigma and open up a conversation. I told everyone at work, and I also chose to mention it in social media once I was ready to announce the new pregnancy. The response I got was people coming to me with their own stories, because it really is so common.

I think awareness also prepares women and couples for the possibility that it may happen to them as well. Something that I hated was when I was concerned about miscarriage in my first pregnancy, a GP told me that it wouldn't happen to me (she actually said that, which even then I was surprised about, like how do you know that). My friend said that babies were so resistant and not fragile at all and not to worry, because in her experience she'd had to have a termination at 12 weeks. My dad also said my worrying was stupid as miscarriage was unlikely. They all meant well, but they were all wrong and shouldn't have been making such blank affirmations.

Bloomers58 · 18/12/2021 22:39

I've had all the cliche things that aren't very helpful but I always just try and focus on where the comment is coming from. It's almost always from a good place. If it's a shit comment coming from a malicious place that's different, but if it's someone just trying to make me feel better I just try and focus on the kindness of that and then it's easier to let it go x

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