Coping at Christmas

[Tofu35]

I wonder if anyone had any tips for coping at Christmas. We have told our close friends and family about my miscarriage, but Christmas visits to the in-laws always involve random aunts/uncles/cousins who won't have heard. I know one of the cousins had a baby a few months ago, so he'll be passed around for everyone to have a hold which we're dreading (both for our loss and the jokes/questions from the in-laws wider family about when it'll be our turn).

We had a few things we wanted to do this year as "our last Christmas as a two", and wonder if anyone has anything they do/have done in this situation. Husband suggested we get a bauble for the tree?

Sorry if this was a ramble!

Hey @Tofu35 I've been thinking about this too - not sure I have the answers though! Here is my ramble!
We would have been 12+ weeks and able to tell wider family so I'm anticipating finding it hard. Especially as I have some inlaws who seem to do very little but complain about their two little ones. My husband(and me to an extent!) isn't one to rock the boat/make fuss so I think we will go to the in law gathering and bare it and have something good planned just the two of us. So far, I've found thinking about the gatherings that I will find difficult and voicing this really helpful even if it won't change how they go. I think its useful to know between us that its not pleasant and having the space to air those feelings feels helpful. No idea if it will help in the long run and this might be more specific to my in law dynamics! I anticipate needing to rant and cry at some point about it. I suppose being prepared and mindful and gentle with each other is what I'm aiming for.

I think I will find a bauble or something for Christmas but haven't suggested it to DH yet as it feels a bit soon for us to think about that.

@teateatea56 thank you for your ramble. This post was in part inspired by a big ugly cry I had last night when my husband suggested we get a star for the tree to symbolise how we've got through the last year and to a positive time ahead. I had a well overdue sob thinking about even putting a star on the tree that was remotely linked to everything in the last month. I think the bauble plan is maybe less upsetting.
Definitely like your idea of communicating your concerns and reservations, and that you both have an agreement that it may be unpleasant but that's ok.

A gentle mindful Christmas is definitely on the cards 💐

Oh Tofu! That sounds awful for you and husband. Sending you hugs! I hope you find the right thing to do for both of you. I'm certainly not going to put anything up in our house until I feel ready to. x

It is so so hard, but I found that forewarned was forearmed, we have lost 2 babies - and have told most people around us both times.

Could you tell the In laws, and they can quietly let people know before the day, it puts a stop to all of the questions and people are much more aware of what they're doing/saying.

Just thought I’d resurrect this thread as Xmas draws nearer.

I’ve had two losses this year and thought I was doing ok but had a BFN this morning and it’s really upset me. There’s something about ending this dreadful year still not pregnant, no closer to being that way and spending the next few days cooing over everyone else’s family kids and traditions seems so bloody hard. On top of that it could be my mum’s last Xmas and I’m devastated she may never be a granny to my child and really thought a BFP was on our way to make it all better (was convinced this month.)

Anyone else got any coping mechanisms?? Short of main lining wine which isn’t too sustainable long term!

Hey @SunAndSea37 I hear you - big hugs!
I've had a really down few days and finding the business and usual its christmas very hard - despite best laid plans upthread I think I've realised I'm less ok than I thought I was....
No coping mechanisms here (perhaps baileys) but finding lurking on here a little soothing!

Its so wierd but I am dreading tomorrow. Late miscarrriage a month ago, invited to brother and SILs, glad to be invited and love my nieces but SIL's brother's family who I don't know at all will all be there with small toddlers I don't know. I wish we didn't have to go but DP wants to and I know I should be grateful for the invite but wish it was just people I know and less babies.

Thinking of everyone on this board today.

This time last year we had just told our family about our pregnancy and we were looking forward to spending this Christmas with a baby.
I'm finding it so desperately sad that she isn't here with us.
X

Thank you for the solidarity everyone!

It’s such a hard time. Hope everyone can be kind to themselves today ❤️

Thinking of you all. I had a MMC in May and it was traumatic. Our precious one would have been due in early December. All day today it's been at that the back of my mind that we would have had a new born and our 7 year old daughter and the day would have been quite different. I've also got Corona! Managing to stay upbeat more or less but it all seems so unfair. Just as I tested positive for Corona a message came through from my sister in law with a scan photo of their 3rd baby. I found this a massive trigger and was very upset. So all a bit emotional. Hope your day's have been ok. 😘