How do I deal with my loss

[finallyfoundmyself]

I found out I was pregnant in August. It was rocky from the start with bleeding, told to expect I'd miscarry but then seeing baby with a strong heartbeat at 6 weeks and being told I'd had a hematoma that caused the bleeding. Seeing baby again at 8+4 with strong heartbeat.

12 weeks I had some bleeding and was sent for a reassurance scan assured it was likely just another hematoma to be told baby had stopped growing at 9 weeks and there was no heartbeat. I was given a medical managed miscarriage as they couldn't fit me in for a D&C for a further week.

I went home to miscarry as it's my hospitals policy that women arnt allowed to be accompanied on the ward. I wanted to be home with family support. After a painful experience I passed my baby at 3am in the morning.

It's been 2 days and despite being told to rest I haven't been able to stop the past 2 days since passing baby. I've barely slept and spend each day out Christmas shopping, walking the dog and putting up Christmas decs to occupy me.

I can't sit still, I need to keep moving despite the fact I'm in pain. I think I'm trying to avoid having to sit and accept what has happened.

I don't know what I want from this post, maybe a hand hold or to hear how others dealt with such a loss. This is my second child, I had a perfect pregnancy with my DD who is now 4

I should add that the policy of women being alone is due to Covid

The best advice I can give you is to let the feeling be there. You can be sad - it's a sad thing. It is very painful. It does get better. I lost my baby six years ago and I'm still sad sometimes, but it's manageable.

I am sorry for your loss OP. I think you will sit with the emotions sooner or later, if it helps you to be busy now then why not. The emotions don't go away but they do change shape and become easier to bear. It is still very early days for you. It's been a real rollercoaster too by the sound of it.

I’m so sorry.
To answer your question any way that helps. If you need to cry, shout, decorate the whole house, laugh at the moon or rage at the injustice of it all then do it. There is no right way to grieve. And grieving is what you are doing. Allow yourself to feel however you feel. Do whatever helps.

I found that it took months to get over it (had a MC July a good few years ago). I wasn't right for about 5 months until November (a dose of CBD oil helped at that point). I went away for around when my due date would have been. Irrationally thought the massive crowd I was in for NYE was going to be subject to a terrorist attack. (obviously wasn't). That made me realize I did want to continue on. I wasn't suicidal but didn't see the point of anything/life before I was afraid I would die. I realize that's extremely melodramatic and even offensive but that's how my mind worked. Then 2 months after that (Feb) I got pregnant with my now 4 year old. That's what sorted me completely. My child is perfect (as is every child) so I feel it has worked out as it should have to bring him to us.

All this to say that I pretty much wallowed in sadness for 2 months (July and August), went about life unenthusiastically for another 2 (September and October) cheered up a bit for the next two (Nov And December). I only got back on track in February.
So give yourself the time you need . 2 days is not long at all. You haven't got past the physical trauma yet, never mind the mental trauma. Be kind to yourself and do what you need to do