Devastated - should I just call it a day?

[Redheadednortherner]

You know when you just know… I knew last week that it wasn’t going to be third time lucky. In the end I went for the scan and was trying to be brave about it saying I was pretty sure it was a mm could they just confirm for me please. And there it was sac but nothing in. I gritted teeth, they said they’d refer me to the recurrent mc …. But really I think deep down maybe this is the end of the road. I am 44 now. This is the third mc, the first at 42 at 9 weeks the second earlier this year at 8 weeks and this is the third. I clung on to a small amount of hope but I knew deep down it had gone. It’s just harder as now I’m doing the expectant management waiting for it to actually happen and dreading it. I suppose it is my fault for leaving it to my 40s really and I need to accept that now, but it is very hard still. I am going to cancel meetings today I am just not in the right headspace.

Oh this is so hard OP, I'm sorry you are round through this.
You haven't seen a specialist at all yet? I would want to do that in case there was something simple to try. But if you have reached a place of acceptance maybe stop.
I had my dc2 after four miscarriages, not much younger either at 42.
I don't think today is the day for making decisions, try to be kind to yourself you're in the thick of it just now

I would go for the referral and see what they say.

I'm so sorry for your losses. Take good care of yourself, be kind and take a little time before deciding what to do - nothing to lose by taking the referral though.

You do just know I agree.

To offer a small amount of hope though I had 5 miscarriages and like you called it a day.
But somehow, I was already pregnant with my now little fella!
I was 43 when I had him.

So miracles are out there.

Just a word to the wise about your current situation though , most of my miscarriages (I had 7 in total) were an empty sac, they could take up to 7 weeks AFTER diagnosis to even start.
With expectant management I got to 13 weeks after finding out at 7 weeks at one of them. I would not advise this as it is just torture.
The sac continues to grow and pregnancy symptoms continue in strength (nausea/vomiting/painful breasts etc) and the resulting miscarriage ended in me labouring needing gas & air and morphine & hospital treatment for the pain & bleeding.

Good luck in the future, it’s a great big shit cake for sure to be handed.

Oh yes I would have an erpc if possible it was easier (if the miscarriage isn't starting on it's own already)

I have another appointment booked in two weeks. If the bleeding has not started by then I might go for the tablet. I’m not keen on the surgery route.

It’s hard at this age as it feels the end of the road and mentally is rather scarring. My OH had hoped but I tried to prep him explaining what I thought had happened and then confirming it after the hospital. I knew he was gutted too. I was taking vit D and folic and got the aspirin but didn’t take it maybe I should. I am coeliac so on daily VD anyway

I am sorry for your loss , I know that feeling of can I put myself through this any more I very much had it after my 4th miscarriage at 42, then I fell pregnant again soon after, I was under the care of EPU be this point and they put my on progesterone and aspirin straight away and he stuck . now 43 with a very much thriving 3 month old ! I hope this gives you some hope xx

I'm so sorry OP I know myself how devastating multiple miscarriages can be

To be honest at 44 I wouldn't bother with the miscarriage clinic - they will run a few cursory blood tests but ultimately they will put it down to age - over age 43 the brutal reality is that at least 95% of our eggs are expected to be chromosomally abnormal - that's not to say you won't ever have a successful pregnancy but it will take much longer and you have to be prepared to go through more losses and not everyone can/wants to do that

You could try Ivf of course which would speed the process up looking for that one good egg but it's not for everyone financially physically or emotionally x

Were you on high strength vit d? Other things people can try (via advice from a miscarriage clinic) progesterone pessaries, steroids, definitely baby aspirin. I would be tempted to throw the book at it and try until you're 45. and a bit
But you would need to see someone privately, the wait will be too long on the nhs and limited interventions are offered.

I wouldn't call it a day, but I would probably not go to the missed miscarriage clinic, as others have said you will be told it's your age.
Can you pay to go to a private gynecologist who specialises in fertility? They will be able to discuss your options with you. I imagine at your age you will almost certainly be told your best bet is IVF with a donor egg. Once you've got that information then you can decide if you want to continue with that or call it a day.

I just spoke to my mum and she suggested the private option. Do you need to be referred by your GP? I will call them today.

Thank you for all your support. I took the day off work I couldn’t face it and will have to take more when it finally happens.

I take high strength vitamin d (25ug)as coeliac. I got some aspirin but didn’t take it as hadn’t been to see the doc at that point.

You don't need a referral, no

You don't need a referral. If you let us know where you are in the country (I note the reference to Northener) I am sure you can get some recommendations from MNers of suitable people.

I’m originally from the North (prob should go back!) but now south, Milton Keynes Northants London are options

Oh I’m sorry to hear that. Just wanted to wish you lots of luck whatever you decide to do

Can anyone recommend a private consultant to see? I’ll go down this route as the last option before trying to come to terms with it.

Has anyone been to the Coventry clinic? They don’t seem to do any blood tests just a scan? warwick.ac.uk/fac/sci/med/research/biomedical/tem/bru/

OP I'm the other side of the Thames Valley. If you can get yourself to Reading I would really recommend Alex Swanton at the Circle Reading/Berkshire Independent. A couple of friends have seen him - very good.

I wouldn't bother going to London. If you decide to have treatment it will be a hassle.

A friend used the Fertility Clinic at the Saxon Clinic in Milton Keynes and was very impressed. It is consultant led. The benefit of this is they can discuss everything with you (costs of IVF etc).

I saw Mr Shehata at the Miscarriage Clinic in London. I traveled from Scotland to see him. (I suspected immune issues which is his specialism)

Take a look at the forums over at www.fertilityfriends.co.uk there's a lot of help and support there including clinic info .

Hi OP, no you do not need a referral from what I understand. When looking for clinics, make sure to take into account many things and not just geography. Make a list of things that are important to you (whatever this may be, doctors, response times, budget, clinic's profile, etc), and then make sure you find a clinic that ticks as many of those as possible. Take a look at gcr.org/top/fertility and see compare them. I wish you all the best!

Well I opted for the medical management. Just waiting for it to work, it’s like all light period atm, I really don’t fancy surgery! I think the mc was caused by a blighted ovum so it would be the sac and lining and I think? the sac has passed. I was booked for blood tests for blood clots etc but the EPU advised not to have them until I tested negative for pg.

So sorry op.
It’s just shit.
Made much worse for you by your difficult decision to stop trying.
Having been there, I can offer you not much comfort because there’s not much comfort to be had.
I felt a certain degree of relief that the whole thing was over as it was like walking a tightrope carrying a heavy load day in day out.
But then it was that “what if the next time was to be the lucky one???”.
And of course I had absolutely no one to talk to, no one I knew had been there before me or had experienced what I had experienced.
You have us.
All the best for the future op.