I had to have emergency surgery in the first trimester due to a heterotopic pregnancy. I was told there was a risk to the viable pregnancy. Unfortunately a week after the surgery (yesterday) I found that it’s likely I am miscarrying.
Baby hasn’t grown in the week and the heartbeat is very slow. I found this extremely distressing, even though I went prepared to hear bad news, seeing the heartbeat slowly fading was awful. In my mind all the painkillers and anaesthesia have done this and I feel so guilty. I hate the thought of it in there struggling. I’m quite pragmatic about things but something about seeing that scan has really upset me. Im aware I’m projecting feelings and things onto the pregnancy which aren’t realistic but it’s hard not to. It was like a little light about to go out.
Due to the fact there was a heartbeat no management can be done, I have to come back in a week. It feels never ending and so cruel.
Today I’m struggling because I feel pregnant but know it’s for nothing. I just wish it could all be over if that’s the outcome.
The sonographer said it’s likely it’s a “failed pregnancy” and was clear she didn’t expect anything to turn around, but until they can officially call it, it’s a waiting game. It’s impossible to not think what if, what if they’re wrong? It would have been easier to just get concrete news I think.
One thing I’m finding difficult is the reaction of some HCP to my emotions. I went into surgery crying and woke up crying, not hysterically but tears rolling down. The doctor seemed completely bemused as to why I would be upset. The midwife who did the scan which diagnosed the likely miscarriage kept saying that I had to be strong. It’s like an I am emotional wreck or would anyone find this challenging? Im being strong but this whole situation has me on my knees.
I have wounds healing in my abdomen, I’m fatigued from surgery, shocked it’s all happened and there’s relentless bad news with no closure.
I’m not sure why I’m posting, just wondering if there’s anyone else currently doing this horrible wait?