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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

Miscarriage - does is ever leave you?

24 replies

DrNortherner · 23/11/2007 14:46

The sadness I mean?

I m/c last year, got past my due date and felt I could put it behind me and move on. I rareley think about it and can talk openly about my experienceing without sobbing.

I am approaching my due date again (baby would have been 1 year) and dh out of the blue asked me how old someones ds is now. I know exactly how old he is as he was born aroumd my due date. I was kind of shocked that dh had not sussed this.

Then I was taken aback by how sad I felt.

I have a lovely ds, a lovely dh and feel nothing is missing in my life so this sadness is even more strange and i'm guessing it's just a poignant time of year.

Does it ever leave, or will that date always be etched on my mind with a tinge of sadness?

Thanks.

OP posts:

MerlinsBeard · 23/11/2007 14:52

I don't know but i am feeling the same. I m/c last year and baby should be one on NYE. I am pregnant again but that doesn't take away from teh fact that i don't have that child.

goingfor3 · 23/11/2007 14:57

I lost my first baby in Jan 2000 and I do feel a pang of sadness around the date he died and the day he was due. I mc'd my last pregnancy in July and he was due in Jan around the same date as my first was born so it is going to be even more difficult than in previous years. I am pregnant again now and this baby is due at the same time my first one was due, only 3 days between the due dates. It gets easier but will always be with you at signicant dates.

expatinscotland · 23/11/2007 20:43

This miscarriage doesn't. Because it is a blighted ovum and never was anything so I don't feel the same way about it.

But my first one, which was missed and foetus died at 8 weeks, does.

santascRUMPELedsuit · 23/11/2007 20:49

Hmm I think it depends on what you are like as a person. Soem people are good at blocking out - others aren't. My first was a missed miscarriage at nearly 12 weeks - found out at the scan. I still think about it when baby would have been due. My DD was born a year after my first miscarriage was medically terminated. I often wonder what our other wee baby would have been like if he/she was here. But we do have a beautiful DD who makes me laugh and fills me with joy. I had another miscarriage a couple of months ago and found that having DD took the edge off. Am pg again and due in July so I am hoping all goes well with this one.

The horrible thing is that when you have m/c you can never really 'enjoy' your pregnancy (if you feel well enough to be able to in the first place) as there is always an element of fear hanging around.

crokky · 23/11/2007 20:55

DrNortherner - my mum miscarried her 2nd baby almost 30 years ago. She already had one child and went on to have three more. However, she always remembers the date every September that she lost her 2nd baby. She is not unhappy on the day, but she just remembers her baby. HTH.

Dropdeadfred · 23/11/2007 21:00

When we finally had dd3 (my Dp's firstborn) she was our miracle baby after 4 mcs. Dp never seemed to be as distraught as me when we lost them, but when he held dd3 for the first time he ried thinking of the ones he didn't get aswell as tears of happiness...when he told me later I cried

When I typed this my eyes filled with tears too

Mumpbump · 23/11/2007 21:05

Eventually having a successful pg and another baby definitely makes it a lot easier to get over m/c because the way I figure it is that we would never have had ds2 if I hadn't had the two m/c. But I think you always remember even though the sorrow of it all lessens in time.

onepieceoflollipop · 23/11/2007 21:06

I had a miscarriage on Feb 23 2000. It was very traumatic both physically and emotionally. My partner at the time had a lot of issues (to put it mildly). I grieved for a long time.

I had my first dd in January 2004 and my second dd in August this year. My dh is a wonderful, kind man and every day I am thankful for him and the fact I am blessed with 2 healthy children.

I always wonder about my first baby, but the sadness has gradually faded. I take comfort in the fact that had I had a baby with this ex dp my life would have been very different and in retrospect very unhappy. But I have kept small mementoes of my first baby (which is how I view him/her) and it is still an emotional subject if I am feeling emotional.

lucykate · 23/11/2007 21:08

i had 2 m/c's in 2004, the first at 11 weeks, and the second at 7 weeks. a year to the day after the second one, i gave birth to ds. as he's grown, and we've got to know and adore his little character, we know he was the one we were meant to have. the sadness hasn't completely gone, but i just know where to place it now.

onepieceoflollipop · 23/11/2007 21:45

Dropdeadfred I just read your post and cried a bit as well.

Maybe we will always wonder about our "first" children - the ones that for whatever reasons we weren't able to have.

lissielewzealand · 23/11/2007 21:54

i will always love and miss my babies. as ive said before, you dont just lose a baby you lose a future. it breaks my heart that i have never met them and that they will never know how much i love them. but i like to think of all my lost beans as playing together and keeping each other warm

Dropdeadfred · 23/11/2007 22:04

Thanks onepiecelollipop...sorry if I made you feel sad.

onepieceoflollipop · 23/11/2007 22:07

Not sad in a horrible way ddf, strangely comforted that lots of us seem to understand each other.

Dropdeadfred · 23/11/2007 22:13

Thats okay then. I know what you mean about being grateful for your beautiful children.

I am so grateful that I am a mother to three amazing girls..but I have now had 6 mcs and sometimes wonder if it's boys I have lost..

My life is great and I don't feel like there is a gap, but I did look at dd3 alot when she was little and marvelled that she was 'chosen' to be with us when so may had not been..

Mercy · 23/11/2007 22:13

Depends on the circumstances I think. My only (confirmed) miscarriage happened at 6/7 weeks and I hadn't experienced any real emotions about the pregnancy.

BUT the EDD was the same date as my first child's actual birthday so I do feel a bit upset then. Especially as no-one else seems to remember (dh included).

Bex22 · 26/11/2007 20:55

I had 4 miscarriages and miraculously managed to have a full-term pregnancy with the help of various drugs throughout and gave birth to son this year after 6 years of trying. The first time I miscarried was the worst- not that developed at 9 weeks but had to put up with a natural miscarriage with no idea what that entailed. It has been a really hard journey and the one I really grieve for is that baby- we were so happy as we had already been trying for 2 years when we conceived that one. It#s really weird but I still think of myself who can't have children sometimes- we spent so long trying and putting up with all the awful hospital visits and scans- sitting next to all the happy pregnant people. Of course it has made our baby now all the more special but I have found the whole thing so emotional- in a way it has brought my husb and me closer together- he was the one who was convinced that we would be successful in the end- I was much more of a cynic- convinced myself to get used to being childless. I think that other people find it very difficult to understand position unless they have been in same. There was a point too when I thought I don't know if I can go through another consecutive mc, but you read of some people who have had like 15 and you think how brave and determined they are.

mankyscotslass · 26/11/2007 21:59

I had a mc in 2000, I was due January 8th 2001. I still wonder and am sad on that date. I did go on to have 3 healthy children so I know I am blessed, but still......
And noone remembers, and if I mention it to my Mum I get the whole "in my day we were never sure we were pregnant til 12 weeks, the doctor would not see us before, just get on with it, it wasn't a baby"

Hulababy · 26/11/2007 22:03

I miscarried around Easter 2000, and my due date was New Years Eve. It was before I had DD, and we'd been TTC for months and months reviously. And yes, it does stay with you to an extent I think. Or at least mine had a bit. No longer in a sadway as such, but more whistful esp as at present I can't have that much wanted second child. I still remember the pain and hurt of that early mc though, the loss of the hopes and dreams were the things I mourned most.

webcrone · 26/11/2007 22:08

I m/c twice, the first time 20 years ago, after 2 healthy pregnancies, and then again 12 years ago. I can honestly say that I no longer remember dates or feel any emotion, and haven't done for many years now.

gigglewitch · 26/11/2007 22:18

i have a lot of anniversaries and due dates around now too, drN. The fact that my daughter will be two next weekend is making it slightly better this year than any of the past twelve. Even in this week last year i went completely to bits, still suffering badly from pnd.

It is something that almost surprises you with how much feeling is still there, and those dates will always be with you. Yes i know exactly how old they would be, and it is in some ways comforting to know other children who are the same age, though with a strange 'emptiness', you probably know what i mean.

A few years ago, before DS1 was born, i had no idea why i hit a huge depression at the end of november, it took me weeks to get my brain together enough to realise what it actually was.

in some ways having more children helps, though in others i found it hard because i realised what i had missed IYSWIM. I know that my first baby m/c at 12wks was a girl, and having a dd so many years later has brought a lot of that sadness to the fore, although now i am starting to enjoy life and appreciate every moment of having her.

harrisey · 26/11/2007 22:20

I'd have to agree with webcrone. I had 2 early m/c before I had dd1, and another (blighted ovum) between dd1 and ds. Though I found it hard at the time, I have to say it causes me no pain now.

Tommy · 26/11/2007 22:22

when I had a miscarriage 2 years ago, my Mum really talked to me for the first time about her miscarriage - 40+ years before so I guess it nover leaves you

slotnicki · 27/11/2007 13:50

Sadly I had 3 m/cs between 1997-2000 and then gave birth to my dd (and have had another mc since). I've erased all the details about due dates etc. However I know that I will never forget my unborn children. I have explained about the m/cs to my dd, as she was very curious about about why she was an only child and has always wanted brothers and sisters. She was talking about this in the bath the other night and suddenly said, 'so I did have brothers and sisters'. A bit heart-wrending, but I find that it does help to talk about it in this way.

NAB3littlemonkeys · 02/12/2007 18:47

In my case, no but it does get pushed from the front of my mind though. I lost a single baby and then my son's twin and I would give anything to have him here.

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