Becoming a parent after suffering a stillbirth - is there any support available?

[Malibukev]

I have a two year old DD. She was my fourth pregnancy. My first was a first trimester missed miscarriage. My second was a stillbirth. My third was a second trimester missed miscarriage. My fourth pregnancy was eventful to say the least however DD made it alive and well and for that I am eternally grateful.

I know it won't be the case for everyone but once DD arrived it really healed the wounds from all my previous losses. My stillbirth was a complex pregnancy where my son was diagnosed with a serious physical disability that would have affected him for the rest of his life called PFFD. We carried on with the pregnancy as we were desperate but sadly his heart stopped at 27 weeks.

The 2nd trimester missed miscarriage was a nightmare from start to finish with continuous bleeding. Lots of reassurance scans, 12 week scan then back for screening to discover heart had stopped just over 14 weeks and that baby had triploidy.

Fourth pregnancy I had an issue at the screening and was diagnosed with placenta praevia very early on. I was admitted to hospital with a bleed at 32 weeks and wasn't released until DD was delivered just over 37 weeks under GA. We then both had suspected sepsis and I had a horrendous recovery from my c section due to repeated infections.

As I say, I thank my lucky stars each and every day that DD is here safe and well but I am constantly worried about doing everything the right way and to keep her safe. I know when I make decisions what is 'logic' but I also know life is fickle and that really affects how i come to decisions about things. E. G. DD is still sleeping in my room as I feel she is safer there.

I want some help, there must be some out there specific to this kind of thing I just can't seem to find it.

I am a member of sands, have attended their support groups but those are mostly targeted at dealing with the grief from baby loss whereas this is slightly moved on from that.

I am sure I could pay for some sort of help but I work minimal hours on a crap wage so that I don't have to put my DD into childcare as I would miss her and feel she is safer with me.

Any advice appreciated. Thanks.

OP, I just wanted to say firstly how completely understandable it is that you feel anxious about the safety of your DD given the incredibly difficult things you have been through. I would recommend seeking therapy from any counsellor or psychologist with experience with baby loss. Private care has a much shorter waitlist, but NHS support is available via primary care (IAPT) or the CMHT x

It does get easier, honestly. My 2nd baby was stillborn, and I was horribly nervous about something happening to my others. I didn't sleep well; kept hearing things and didn't like anyone else to look after them. I think it's quite natural after a loss so please don't worry that you're alone in this.

I didn't find counselling help at all, but then I'm quite a private person and didn't like to keep repeating the past. I hope you can find something that works for you - I think it was just time with me, time that nothing bad happened in and settling into a family routine.

Thank you for your responses. That's the thing, I completely understand why I feel like I do and it makes sense it would just be nice to know that at some point I might not worry so much.

I would love to go private but unfortunately funds wouldn't allow at the moment. I am in the system to get some help though so fingers crossed it will come eventually.

Thank you.