Help with the loss of a twin

[Crazydoglady123]

I just wondered if any ladies on here have experienced the loss of a twin (Vanishing Twin Syndrome)?

I found out a week ago today at 9+3 that very, very recently one of my babies heart had stopped beating 💔 This is an IVF pregnancy from two embryos being transferred. I'd had a scan at 6 weeks and a scan at 7 weeks (which I also heard their heartbeats) and the scan last Wednesday I booked privately after not feeling nauseous at the weekend. I feel haunted by the image of my little baby just laying there not moving. They look like proper little babies now with arms and legs 😭

It's taken my other half a while to understand how much it's affected me and he's generally a very positive person (law of attraction fanatic!) and just wants me to still feel excited about the other baby being healthy and okay but I'm really struggling. I know I'm over reacting but I just feel like everyone's quick to disregard my baby I've lost because the other one is alive and doing well. I know I should be happy to still be pregnant after years of infertility but I've just lost all excitement though and feel like my life has been turned upside down. I keep trying to be positive and I think that maybe after the next couple of scans (I have another scan at EPU next Friday and then my official 12 week scan 3 days after) that I might relax and start feeling excited again but at the minute I'm petrified to see the ultrasounds screen so then I also feel guilty for the alive baby and my other half tainting his excitement, but I just can't shake that image I saw last week out of my head. Is this normal? Does it get easier? Has anyone been through this?

I’m so sorry for your loss
Exactly the same for us. ICSI twin pregnancy, we were so over the moon as we only had two 4 cell embryos from the cycle and had both of them transferred.
I was devastated we lost one, I sobbed when we put the cot up because it should have been two & I essentially spent my whole pregnancy not really believing I would actually have a baby coming home from the hospital with us but, that said, it did get easier to come to terms with the loss of the twin as the pregnancy developed, I got bigger & felt movement.
I do know what you mean about people being quick to disregard the baby you have lost but people are very awkward about discussing miscarriage & loss in general, being able to focus on your remaining baby means they don’t have to & means they can talk positively about the remaining baby almost as though focusing on the remaining baby must mean they can make you less sad about losing one!

DC is now 15
I do still feel some sadness as, despite multiple cycles, I had MC’s or failed cycles so DC never had a sibling but it’s just an fleeting moment occasionally as I know I’m so amazingly lucky. It is totally normal and it will get easier. Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy. I hope all is well at your next scans so you can start to relax a little.

@Heyyeahyouwiththesadface thank you for replying. Ours was ICSI too. I am a believer in everything happens for a reason as we had a grade A and a grade C embryo transferred and I do wonder if it's the C still going strong which would have really been a final choice after using our other A's up. Just at my 6 and 7 week scan one was always 3 days behind growth wise but when I had my scan last Wednesday at just over 9 weeks the alive baby was 2.5cm and the baby that had died was 2.4 so if it had happened when I lost symptoms over the weekend then the smaller baby has caught up. I do believe too I'd rather have this happen than have a child that had awful birth defects that'd affect their life and I'm trying to hold onto those facts.

I never really looked at it from that point about people feeling awkward so easier to focus on the alive baby. I just feel like my baby I've lost deserves to be thought and talked about as much as the one still alive.

Did you loose your twin in the first trimester and did you lead a normal pregnancy with your DC? I've read it can be a higher risk of premature birth and low birth weight.

I'm so sorry to read you had failed cycles and more MC's. As someone whose suffered for years with secondary infertility after having my DS so easily 10 years ago it is really heartbreaking wanting to give your DC a sibling and having fertility issues.

I think like you say when I start to feel movement I'll be able to reassure myself. My nausea is so up and down so I can't rely on that anymore. Atm I just feel in limbo, almost like the TWW all over again

I had a scan at 8 weeks & both were fine, 10 weeks there was just one heartbeat.
The rest of the pregnancy was totally normal, although they said baby was big, checked me for GD & started doing regular scans towards the end. Born at 38 weeks & was 8lbs so not prem or small!
No one in my family, or any friend has ever mentioned my lost twin (or any of the other 3 I MC) ever again. Even a GP who I saw when pregnant & had lost one twin actually said “it’s probably for the best”.
Our lost babies absolutely deserve to be talked about, not erased, but people just don’t know how to deal with the death of a much wanted baby.

There are midwives trained in bereavement & forums to chat with others along with ideas to remember & celebrate a baby, none of this was something I was signposted to at the time & it was before smartphones -different times! There also should be a counsellor attached to the fertility unit, the 2WW is hard enough & I totally understand what you mean about feeling in limbo all over again. I hope you can be reassured and get out of limbo soon so you can enjoy your pregnancy.
www.tommys.org/baby-loss-support

www.tommys.org/baby-loss-support/miscarriage-information-and-support/support-after-miscarriage/remembering-your-baby-after-miscarriage

@Heyyeahyouwiththesadface thank you for the links. Did you have any bleeding when you lost your twin? I'm 11 weeks tomorrow and woke up to my pad being brown this morning (still on the progesterone pessaries hence having a pad). I've not passed any blood today and nothing when I wipe. I feel heavy like before a period though so feeling pretty anxious. I spoke to a midwife this morning and she said I could go to a&e for reassurance but as I'm not actually bleeding I can't see what they'll do other than send me home so didn't go.