This is a long post, and I'm sorry for that. I know many women who have miscarried but none who have experienced a missed miscarriage or a uterine hematoma and am seeking solace in solidarity with others.
My husband and I had been trying for a child for a few months and finally got pregnant in May. We were elated. Initially we only told our immediate families as we both know several couples who have had miscarriages, especially with their first pregnancy. However, I started having terrible morning sickness and food aversions, which gave us some confidence that this (our first) pregnancy would take. We were ecstatic and overly hopeful, even telling some of our friends and planning registries- all this before our initial ultrasound but after four positive pregnancy tests. Looking back I realize my naivety, but I had hoped that the feelings of continuous nauseousness as well as my very labile emotions would mean that my body was doing what it needed to, in order to support a healthy baby.
At our first ultrasound we were told that our fetus had either stopped developing at 5.5 weeks (and was so sick because nothing was absorbing the massive amounts of hormones my body was producing) or that our times were off. I was tracking my periods using an app and my husband and I are both in healthcare; we knew what the physician meant. We were told to wait a week for a repeat ultrasound to ensure that our times weren't wrong.
Not only did I feel like a walking tomb, once so full of hope and joy, I felt betrayed by my body, by the very part of me that was supposed to function well and make me a mother.
After a week, I was angry and impatient, ready to move on with my life and not worry that I would start cramping a deliver an underdeveloped fetus at any moment. My husband and I agreed that I should have a D&C, something we discussed with the doctor and a date was set in place. The procedure went well and I immediately felt a sense of relief; when I began to wake up and remembered that I was no longer a tomb, I cried tears of absolute relief. About five days later i developed severe cramps that interfered with my sleep. I called my obgyn and an appointment was set up for a transvaginal ultrasound to assess for possible remnants left in my uterus (something I was told "rarely happens").
As I mentioned I'm in healthcare, when the tech placed the probe, I immediately saw what looked like a hematoma. I was shocked and reminded of my experiences with hematomas at work (ie drains, drains and more drains AND infection). I asked the tech if that was what it was, and she assured me that it was. She proceeded to mention that she wouldn't expect to see a hematoma this large or this far out from my D&C (a week ago). A wave of panic and the dreaded sense of betrayal washed over me, I started to cry and could not contain myself. I was alone, I had told my husband not to take off from work as a) it is difficult for him to do and b) I was sure that there was nothing really wrong with me. I was brought to the waiting room, where I (embarrassingly unsuccessfully) attempted to keep myself composed. I was then brought back to a room where a kind medical assistant let me cry and talk to her, where she honestly did help me to feel better by offering her own story with a gentle reminder that pregnancy might not be for everyone but that there are other options. Then my doctor came in. As a fellow woman, I expected her to be understanding and compassionate; I was terrified and alone and grasped the concept of a hematoma and what that can mean in certain circumstances. Instead, she was somewhat cold and quick. She coldly asked, "Why are you crying?" upon entering the room. She then mentioned that I was "just emotional" and quickly performed an exam. In her assessment, she answered the questions meant for me, the patient, herself and, as a result, assumed that I had not been nauseated. She was somewhat taken a back when I corrected her (I had attributed the nausea to the still high levels of hormones that I knew could last for several weeks), triggering her to order a CBC (to look for an elevated white count, indicative of infection) after she had already assured me that "hematomas here (referring to obgyn field) don't get infected". She then encouraged me to take misoprostol to induce cramping and bleeding that would expel the hematoma and told me to worry about hemorrhage but also to worry if I was not bleeding enough.
Needless to say, I took two sets of the pills and am still concerned that I have not bled enough. There's no true quantitative measure to this, aside from counting the number of pads used. I'm scheduled for another ultrasound in a week to make sure that the hematoma is gone and I'm in the process of switching to a different practice. But I'm exhausted. I feel incredibly alone. While women in my family have had miscarriages, none have had a missed miscarriage, and all were shocked due to the severity of my morning sickness. This was hard to handle in itself but developing an intrauterine hematoma after a relatively simple procedure has scared me. I'm terrified that there is something very wrong with my uterus, something that's preventing it from expelling things I shouldn't have (ie a miscarriage or the blood that caused the hematoma). None of my friends have had, or even have heard of, an intrauterine hematoma (including one friend who is a midlevel practitioner and has suffered a late miscarriage herself). Has anyone here had anything similar happen to them? Does anyone else who has suffered a missed miscarriage feel utterly betrayed by their bodies? How do you get over this and move on to have children again, because, I know, for me, I'm going to now be afraid whether I have morning sickness or not.