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How do you deal with this grief?
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louloulemons · 17/06/2021 12:23

I had my second miscarriage 2 weeks ago and really struggling at the moment. I just don’t know what to do.

I’m tearful all the time, spend half the day trying to compose myself because I’m around other people. I went back to work this week after a couple of weeks off and have so many urgent jobs to do but just can’t get my head in it at all, I can’t seem to concentrate for more than a minute at a time.

My fertility clinic have a lovely councillor but she can’t fit me in for a month. I tried emailing a baby loss charity who offer counselling but they won’t even put me on a waiting list because demand is so high. Another charity had an online chat I tried to use but it said they aren’t available right now because of demand. I’ve tried emailing a Tommy’s midwife but it says they will come back to me in a few days.

I just feel so overwhelmed and don’t know where to turn and am desperately trying to feel normal again so I can do my job properly.

Does anybody have any advice on how to cope with this? The first time was really awful but I seemed to somehow pull myself together and get on with things. I don’t know why this time is different. Possibly because I was on different IVF drugs but I would have thought they’d have left my system by now. This week would have been my first baby’s due date which probably isn’t helping either.

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acupofteamakeseverythingbetter · 17/06/2021 16:27

@louloulemons I'm so so sorry for your loss and having to go through it a second time makes it incredibly difficult.

Are you able to speak with your manager and let them know what you're going through right now to see if they can reduce your workload for a while?

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acupofteamakeseverythingbetter · 17/06/2021 16:28

It's frustrating that the usual avenues of support aren't available for you at the moment but is there anyone in real life that you might be able to offload to emotionally?

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nacarlos89 · 17/06/2021 19:20

I'm sorry for your loss. I have also just gone through my second loss, had surgical management last Wednesday. I agree that it's so difficult to deal with the grief.

I had last week off work and returned this week and and I've been ok. I am currently working from home so I don't have to see anyone which has helped. But as soon as my manager calls me and asks if I'm ok I have a little breakdown. I think my way of dealing with it is pretending it hasn't happened in ways where o don't speak about it with anyone. I know some people say you shouldn't bore things up but I've always done it with every hard thing I've had to deal with and it just works for me.

It's really crap that you can't seem to get any support and I hope Tommy's get back to you soon!

I think the worst part about it for me is the worry that it's just going to happen again and again but o guess being negative won't change the outcome so I'm trying to keep doing things that make me happy.

Just remember that you're not alone and there loads of us going through this together so if you need anything, give us a nudge x

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ShinyGreenElephant · 17/06/2021 19:22

I'm so sorry for your loss. Maybe just take more time off work. I had to have 6 months off after my miscarriage as I wasn't coping at all, but as awful as it is you will feel better eventually and you will smile and laugh again. Just take as long as you need and do whatever you need to get through it

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louloulemons · 18/06/2021 15:36

Thank you all for replying to me. I do have friends I could talk to but it just seems a bit of a heavy subject, I’m not sure how I would even bring it up with them. I’ve found people can be very funny about it and don’t know what to say.

@nacarlos89 I’m so sorry you’re struggling, that sounds really tough. I know exactly what you mean about the worry of it happening again. My first pregnancy was very exciting and lovely (until it wasn’t) but this one was full of anxiety right from the day the embryo was transferred. I feel so sad I’ve been robbed of that pregnancy joy.

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CP26 · 18/06/2021 16:39

I’m so sorry, I’ve been there multiple times myself so know how you feel.

The Miscarriage Association run support groups via zoom. There’s no obligation to speak and you can keep your camera off and mute yourself when you cry. I went to a couple and it was helpful to hear from people going through the same thing.

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PurpleBiro21 · 18/06/2021 16:48

Hugs to you.

I’ve been there a few times, all IVF pregnancies.

With time I learnt how to live with it, but years on I still feel it.

In practical terms, you need to give yourself more time.

As an aside, an older relative got tearful talking about a 12 week miscarriage she’d had 30-40 years prior. It gave me comfort as I realised my grief clearly wasn’t abnormal if she still felt it all those years later.

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BrokenDragon · 21/06/2021 22:46

@louloulemons I'm sorry for your loss. It's such a lonely thing but I'm glad to hear you have friends you can talk to.

I had mine on 29th April and took almost a month off work because I just wasn't able to be back. It's still hard but I am coping better most days. Be kind to yourself and I totally agree with the suggestion of talking to your manager.

I find the threads here really helpful x

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purplebagladylovesgin · 21/06/2021 23:27

I found it unexpectedly hard going back into a normal work environment. It was as though everyone was carrying on as if nothing had happened. But of course to them, nothing had. Whereas my world felt ended in my grief. I remember waking with that crushing realisation each day.

It will pass, it does pass, the waves of grief get less and you'll find in time you can float over them without them sinking you.

I'd say don't rush back unless you have to. Take extra leave if you can. I found gardening and planning projects that would grow helped me. So plants and pets, ponds and things that reinforce the cycle of life. It's very healing.

After many years of IVF miscarriages, over which I grieved horribly, I had two beautiful babies. Then one day after sad circumstances I met my husband and suddenly had four children.

In the moment things can feel very final. But things do change.

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Eleoura · 21/06/2021 23:39

So sorry for your losses. It is hard and I'm sending virtual hugs. The following link might be helpful. They also have a phone line during working hours.
www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/

In my case, I thought of the positives. I realise this can be hard, but it was the only thing I could think to help after each MC- I've had 3. I thought about the fact I still had my own health, didn't MC later on in the pregnancy, foetus wasn't in pain, I had a supportive partner, lived in a 1st world country, has access to medical care etc. You would naturally have a different list, but as dark as it can feel, think of the positives Flowers

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