Lonely & Full of Despair

[PrettySad]

Hi all,
Here is my story, on the 9th April I had a scan at 6+3 weeks only because I had contacted my doctors regarding a terrible chest infection and mentioned I was pregnant and had had some light spotting (implantation bleeding) I was so nervous ahead of the scan, my partner held my hand and we both cried when the sonographer advised I was measuring as expected versus my dates and there was actually two sacks, 2 yolks and 2 strong heart beats. We left that scan absolutely elated and we both spent the next few weeks/month walking a little taller & proud getting more excited as time passed. When I had reached 10 weeks I noticed I didn’t feel quite as tired or nauseous, my boobs not as sore and genuinely felt normal, I googled frantically for advice, everything pointed towards missed miscarriage but also I got mixed messages about the placenta taking over around this time, I worried for another week up to 11+3 praying everything was okay, I did everything by the book, vitamins not too much exercise, scared of sex, avoided baths only showered, ate all the right foods, Saturday came and I was keeping busy I went to the toilet and as I wiped I knew my happy world had come crashing down, I could feel it was too wet for after a wee, I looked and saw the most blood I had seen in ages on the tissue, very dark tinged, I didn’t bother calling the EPU, I jumped in my car and drove down there, I explained everything, I overheard a nurse saying ‘what does she expect us to do?’ I was sat in the waiting room and a sonographer collected me, she explained best thing to put all our minds at rest would be a TV scan, I felt hopeful she didn’t seem concerned, as she was moving the camera instrument around her eyes narrowed and she asked the accompanying nurse for a second opinion, they both looked sad , she asked me about my dates and I explained approaching 12 weeks, she explained neither of the babies had progressed past my last scan, so we’re still measuring 6+3 and there was no heartbeats. She said ‘I’m so sorry’ I typically replied without thinking as I was in shock ‘it’s ok’ as though I was sorry to of wasted their time because my body is stupid and had been carrying around 2 babies that had passed for a good month! The nurse looked me in my eyes (behind her mask) took my hands and said ‘no, it’s not okay it really isn’t’ and that’s when it hit home, my start of a crippling agonising depression that I don’t think will ever leave my side. I am absolutely miserable and numb, I wish I had gone with the babies, I genuinely do not see any hope for the future and every day is a constant battle with PTSD anxiety and just deep sadness and depression.
It is approaching 3 weeks since I passed them, that experience is something I will never forget and will haunt me forever, I just wondered how anyone is feeling 3-4 weeks on, recovery wise and mental health. It feels as though once the medical part is complete and they are satisfied infection risk is low and I have not retained any product you are left on your own to grieve and deal with the fall out. I am really sad and would appreciate anyone reaching out to me privately or via this thread, I have never felt so anxious and lonely in my entire life. x

I'm so sorry for your loss💐

I don't have any words of wisdom I am going through (or think I am scan tomorrow to confirm) my third consecutive miscarriage. My last one was a missed miscarriage which feel especially cruel.

In does take time to process the emotions. Can you call EPAU or your gp (good luck there) and say you need some extra support?

I have just re read your thread abs think you need to call your GP in the morning to discuss your feelings. Hang on in there OP.

@cherrypiepie thank you for your response and support. I am sorry to hear of your MC I hope your scan turns out to be positive and everything is fine!
I have been in contact with my GP they have prescribed me antidepressants for my anxiety and had also given me some sleeping pills as I was struggling due to the trauma, I think I have severe PTSD I can't stand to be in the en suite bathroom where the miscarriage took place, I get flashbacks of lying on the floor, the blood and trembling in pain. It was the worst experience of my life! I don't have any support other than my partner who has tried his best and has been very practical, it feels as though he is over it now and moving on, I feel panicky and on edge all the time. xx

@PrettySad that sounds horrendous I really feel for you.

I had a a bad bleed and it is quite horrifying but I was in hospital so I can totally understand why you feel you can't go into the bathroom.

I'm glad you have seen your GP and they are helping you. The miscarriage trust or Tommy's has an advice / counselling service I think so that might be helpful.

I had my scan and not good news so have to go back in 10 days. The pregnancy was at least a week smaller than it should be and my b-hcg level have slowed down. So feeling pretty rubbish (but ok).

I hope you are managing to take some time for yourself 💐

@cherrypiepie I was booked in for a D&C but my body unfortunately did not wait, I was not prepared for the amount of pain I endured, yet alone the blood! My partner had to call an ambulance as nothing was shifting the pain, and the blood loss was very worrying, at the hospital I had 2 gynaecological surgeons assess me and they explained my cervix had opened ready to pass the babies but I had multiple large blood clots causing a blockage and the pain, I can only advise they performed the urgent necessary surgery which I would of had during a D&C but without any anaesthetic I was awake during the entire ordeal, but they had no option they had to move quickly because of the clotting. Afterwards they asked if I wanted to see the babies I was hesitant but declined, I queried what they looked like and they said it just looked like 'pieces of liver'. As you can imagine that entire experience has left me feeling a shell of my former self.
I was signed off work for 2 weeks and I have sought counselling and support groups.
None of which offer me any comfort I prefer talking directly to people either in the same situation as me or who have experienced it prior.
I am sorry to hear about your scan, 10 days is a long time to wait, I have found everything to do with a MC is a massively drawn out process have you still got your pg symptoms? Do you feel any different? xx

Just wanted to say sorry for your loss and to say I understand your feelings completely. I found my MC experiences extremely lonely and wish now I had reached out to my GP for support. You are grieving, which is normal, but for some reason MC are still not spoken about openly. I understand why you want to speak to people who have experienced it - for me that made me feel less alone. Tommy’s do have some great support information too, as PP has mentioned. Sending you lots of strength and please know you aren’t alone.

@PrettySad I think that level of trauma takes more than two weeks to get over so please be kind to your self.

I will share my story with you in the hope it offers some comfort. I apologies if causes you more heartache.

I had a horrendous bleed 10'days after my last miscarriage and it was utterly traumatising and not half a bad as what you went through.

I had four weeks off (mainly due to the days of waiting for this 'clot' to pass - it was retained product not a clot-they had seen on the scan) so maybe you need a little more time.

I was really traumatised by it all. In fact I said to my mum I felt I had PTSD. I felt shocked for weeks. I though I was going to die and the physical trauma and anaemia on top. Let alone grieving for a much wanted baby

Part of my process was complaining about how I was not referred to EPAU and made to wait or go to A and E. whilst it didn't help it did offer some comfort.

I really think this pregnancy has gone now and My bloating has gone (lost 5lb) and my breasts are no longer on fire. I am aware of what is happening and feeling in control of medical team. I will opt for surgical management.

Because it's still taboo, People think they know what a miscarriage is and assume you had a 'normal' uncomplicated one and it's not to be spoken about as it a 'private matter" I think it's time people realise that some are far worse than others.

@cherrypiepie I thought initially I'd need the time off to heal physically, it has been a long few weeks waiting for the bleeding to stop and the pain. Now I'm focusing on my mental health, I don't know what to make of the antidepressants I feel very strange after taking them, like this whole thing is some sort of lucid dream. I have achieved a couple of days without crying I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. I don't think MC should be taboo and if anything I think when you find out you're pregnant you should be warned what could happen. There was elements I was not told about, I didn't realise my waters would break and wake me up at 3am in bed before the contractions really started. I wasn't warned of the mental toll this would take on me and the strain of each waking day would feel. I am so sorry you are experiencing this again I am not surprised you have chosen the surgery option, you are such a strong woman enduring this type of pain and anguish time and time again, as this is your 3rd possible MC you should be able to have them investigated which may be something you'll find positive?
@Lookatthat thank you for reaching out it really is such a comfort to know I am not alone, it is so incredibly sad to see so many women posting on these forums, I dread to think how we would be without each other, the leaflets and websites they offer you at the EPU just don't cut it for me, I want that real life engagement, a MC is such a personal intimate experience and is very different from one person to the next, there is no textbook answer or way of dealing with this, I like to hear of people's progress and how they overcame such a dark time in their lives, stories like this give me hope for my own future and courage to get through this xx

@PrettySad I hope you are ok today. (Ok being relative - I probably should say how are you feeling)

I am finding it easier to cope with this time as last time was so traumatic.

In the short term, was severely anaemic last time so went to drs for bloods and got iron tablets. I ate a lots of toast and cake. (I regret that!) we had an amazing cheap holiday booked that we had been looking forward to and it would have been difficult for me to go if pregnant (Zika risk and remote location) and we got an amazing upgrade and had a wonderful three weeks away 6 weeks later. Then we had a nice Christmas (none of this do anything from My waistline).

Secondly i wrote the complaint that helped.

Thirdly I tried to research as much information as possible to try and understand what had happened. I do like science and medical things.

No one knew at work which helped. I just asked them to write gynaecological problems on my sick note as I just started a new job.

Not sure if my ramblings are helpful but I was pretty traumatised after the haemorrhage. 💐