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Original poster

How to avoid triggers

24 replies

Conundrum12345 · 09/05/2021 17:31

We had a MMC last month, two rounds of medical management and finally an ERPC 3 weeks ago ended it

I thought I was doing ok this week however we went to my OH nephews birthday party and although it was small the talk was non stop baby to me by his family. I used to be engaged in that talk, however it really hurt, I got so upset and we left after 30 mins.

We’re the only of his siblings without kids.They’re all under 2. We can’t ask his family not to talk about the babies so what can I do?

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OwlTwitterings · 09/05/2021 17:33

I’m sorry. I don’t think you can avoid it unfortunately. I think your options are to either step back and avoid, be prepared with various safe topics of conversation and keep it on track, accept it and understandably find it hurtful, or be honest and tell them you don’t want to discuss it.

Original poster
Conundrum12345 · 09/05/2021 17:48

@OwlTwitterings

I’m sorry. I don’t think you can avoid it unfortunately. I think your options are to either step back and avoid, be prepared with various safe topics of conversation and keep it on track, accept it and understandably find it hurtful, or be honest and tell them you don’t want to discuss it.
It just seems like a lack of awareness, constant talk about the kids and grandkids at one on one conversations ;(
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mimofboy2 · 09/05/2021 17:53

Unfortunately I think people don't think. Do they know what happens? Of they do then ask you oh to explain to his family you are finding baby talk hard at the moment. If not then they aren't doing it to be mean it's just what's going on in their lives at the moment.

mimofboy2 · 09/05/2021 17:54

Meant to say I'm sorry for your loss and sending lots of love

baldafrique · 09/05/2021 17:56

Did they know about your miscarriage?! If they did, that is so out of order of them.

baldafrique · 09/05/2021 17:57

I would avoid child/baby related get togethers whilst you are healing emotionally from what you've been through Flowers

Original poster
Conundrum12345 · 09/05/2021 18:03

@baldafrique

Did they know about your miscarriage?! If they did, that is so out of order of them.
Yep they all do. I know no harm was meant but it was just non stop :(my husband found it so hard too.
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baldafrique · 09/05/2021 18:06

That's pretty insensitive and thoughtless :( Can you find a way of shutting it down quickly if they do it again? Most people would surely understand that you dont talk about babies to a woman who has just had a loss, but sounds like you might need to tell them straight that you cant be hearing about it at the moment (or could your husband say)

Original poster
Conundrum12345 · 09/05/2021 18:13

@baldafrique

That's pretty insensitive and thoughtless :( Can you find a way of shutting it down quickly if they do it again? Most people would surely understand that you dont talk about babies to a woman who has just had a loss, but sounds like you might need to tell them straight that you cant be hearing about it at the moment (or could your husband say)
Yeah I might ask him to speak to his family and avoid those situations for a while :( I feel like it’s set me back a mile
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baldafrique · 09/05/2021 18:17

I'm not surprised. You really dont need that at the moment. Look after yourself and your emotions, avoiding what you need to. This is the time to really put yourself first and give yourself space and time to process what you've been through without external reminders. Wishing you all the best and so sorry for your loss Flowers

EssentialHummus · 09/05/2021 18:27

How insensitive of them.

I'm not sure what I'd suggest - perhaps DH explaining to them how painful it is just now, and distancing yourself for the moment.

I'm very sorry for your loss Flowers

acupofteamakeseverythingbetter · 09/05/2021 18:30

Hi again @Conundrum12345 I know how you feel about triggers. It's so so difficult!

I've come off social media for this exact reason and last week I found out a family member is pregnant and due 4 weeks after I should have been due. It absolutely killed me but of course I'm happy for them but just sad for what we should have had.

It don't think you should try and hide the fact these things upset you at the moment. At least if they saw how it affects you both then hopefully they will be a little more understanding next time. I am a believer in feeling all the emotions rather than trying to bury them. Maybe your husband could speak to his family to let them know how difficult you're finding things at the moment?

Definitely do what you feel is right, be kind to yourself and if that means avoiding certain people or situations that might make you upset then so be it x

imaginethemdragons · 09/05/2021 18:36

It is so so difficult but you need to understand that they are not being insensitive, they are not being anything but everyday and normal.
They do not mean anything bad or spiteful with their chat.
They can’t and shouldn’t feel that they need to stop talking about the subject because you are in the room.
They will understand, they will feel devastated and terribly sad for you, they will... and of course you know that.

Triggers will be around you constantly.
You will encounter upsetting things a lot but it will get less acutely painful.
You can’t avoid it. It’s impossible.
My advice is to accept that you are grieving, you are very raw and you will of course get very upset. It’s ok and to be expected.

Original poster
Conundrum12345 · 09/05/2021 18:51

@imaginethemdragons

It is so so difficult but you need to understand that they are not being insensitive, they are not being anything but everyday and normal. They do not mean anything bad or spiteful with their chat. They can’t and shouldn’t feel that they need to stop talking about the subject because you are in the room. They will understand, they will feel devastated and terribly sad for you, they will... and of course you know that.

Triggers will be around you constantly.
You will encounter upsetting things a lot but it will get less acutely painful.
You can’t avoid it. It’s impossible.
My advice is to accept that you are grieving, you are very raw and you will of course get very upset. It’s ok and to be expected.

I really just feel that there should have been more sensitivity. It was the first time we had seen most of them since the MC.
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baldafrique · 09/05/2021 18:54

Its surely not hard to stop talking about babies in front of a woman who has just had a miscarriage. Of course they shouldn't be doing it.

Original poster
Conundrum12345 · 09/05/2021 18:56

I had prepared myself that kids would be there around but constantly talking about them to me was so hard :(

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Baileys123 · 09/05/2021 19:39

Very insensitive of them. You we're brave enough to go. The trauma of a loss and then the trauma of going through a removal makes it way harder on you. How we're you meant to join in on that conversation 💔

OwlTwitterings · 09/05/2021 20:05

I think that often we pick up more on topics that are sensitive to us, even when we hadn’t necessarily realised it was talked about so much before it because something we wanted to avoid.

Unfortunately people just don’t realise how much certain things upset some others. I was due a baby at the same time as a friend but my baby died in the neonatal unit. My friend came to my baby’s funeral and brought her own healthy and well baby with her. It really upset me but she didn’t realise how insensitive she was being.

Original poster
Conundrum12345 · 09/05/2021 20:10

@OwlTwitterings

I think that often we pick up more on topics that are sensitive to us, even when we hadn’t necessarily realised it was talked about so much before it because something we wanted to avoid.

Unfortunately people just don’t realise how much certain things upset some others. I was due a baby at the same time as a friend but my baby died in the neonatal unit. My friend came to my baby’s funeral and brought her own healthy and well baby with her. It really upset me but she didn’t realise how insensitive she was being.

Omg that is terrible. Why would she do that? I'm so sorry for your loss

I always realised there was baby talk, maybe because I had hope for our own family it didn't bother me. As that hope is now gone, everything hurts :(

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andivfmakes3 · 09/05/2021 20:29

It really depends on the "baby talk" - I had 5 miscarriages 2 ruptured ectopics and my sibling had a baby on what would have been my due date with my first baby that I lost at 12 weeks. I didn't mind baby talk so much but the first time i saw sibling after losing my baby it was non stop - look at the bump, do you want to touch it, let's talk about baby names - it seemed to go on and on Which I did find incredibly insensitive. But general talking about children can't and shouldn't be moderated - people honestly just don't think when they are making conversation and unless they've been through it themselves there is absolutely no way of making them understand that what they are saying could be insensitive.

In the end I ended up distancing myself from what was close family for a number of years - years I won't ever get back, I missed family holidays, get togethers, even general contact really as I couldn't bear even jovial chit chat. I sort of regret that now

Original poster
Conundrum12345 · 09/05/2021 20:44

@andivfmakes3

It really depends on the "baby talk" - I had 5 miscarriages 2 ruptured ectopics and my sibling had a baby on what would have been my due date with my first baby that I lost at 12 weeks. I didn't mind baby talk so much but the first time i saw sibling after losing my baby it was non stop - look at the bump, do you want to touch it, let's talk about baby names - it seemed to go on and on Which I did find incredibly insensitive. But general talking about children can't and shouldn't be moderated - people honestly just don't think when they are making conversation and unless they've been through it themselves there is absolutely no way of making them understand that what they are saying could be insensitive.

In the end I ended up distancing myself from what was close family for a number of years - years I won't ever get back, I missed family holidays, get togethers, even general contact really as I couldn't bear even jovial chit chat. I sort of regret that now

I'm so sorry you went through that.

Once one particular baby arrived it was non stop, constantly telling me to look at the baby, telling me all about what the baby did with one of the toys, telling me the baby was looking at me all that :(

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Original poster
Conundrum12345 · 10/05/2021 12:46

And now my friend just told me she's pregnant. Due date a week after mine :( I don't even know how to react. She didn't know about my mc

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baldafrique · 10/05/2021 12:49

That's so hard OP. Normal to feel all the feelings. Is she a close friend? Could you confide in her at some point so she can be sensitive?

Original poster
Conundrum12345 · 10/05/2021 15:03

@baldafrique

That's so hard OP. Normal to feel all the feelings. Is she a close friend? Could you confide in her at some point so she can be sensitive?
Not very, Hoover another close frond from the same friend group who has suffered multiple MCs has also told she is pregnant today. I’m delighted for her but it’s been such a hard 24 hours
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