I feel useless

[OpheliasCrayon]

My son was stillborn because of an illness I had. There was nothing I or anyone could have done and I know it's not my fault.
I'm still feel like the worst mother though as my illness meant he died. I'm chronically ill as well and can't even look after the children I do have that well. I'm useless

Sweet OP, I am so sorry for this terrible loss. My grandmother had a stillborn son, and while that was over 65 years ago and she had three healthy children and many children and grandchildren, I know that her little boy still means a lot to her, although the pain lessens with time. I hope that you can find ways to honour and cherish the bond that you had with your baby, that no one else can fully understand. Insurmountable though this May feel, you are a victim of your illness just as your baby was. You can’t take this as your own fault unless you seriously chose to disregard medical advice about how to manage your illness plus pregnancy, and even then, making a misguided decision would be tragic but would not make you “useless”.

I’m sure you are in the depths of despair right now and that no words can really help, but your children will still want, need and love you through this all. I trust that “useless” is one of the furthest words from their minds.

Please try to be kind to yourself, going through every mother’s worst nightmare. There’s no expectation for you to be on top of things in these circumstances. But please don’t write yourself off for the future. Impossible though it may sound, you will come through this. I’m just so sorry for the depth of pain that you need to go through first. Big hugs.

Thank you for your lovely words. It was 2.5 years ago now. But I'm constantly unwell and can never look after my living children properly it just feels even more bitter. It feels like i can't do anything right by anyone.
Th illness which took him wasn't to do with what I have now, so there really wasn't anything at all that I could have done to have saved him, but I just think to myself, if I had killed any of my living children I would be locked up for it; so since my body has killed one of my children...how can I ever be punished enough? I know that makes absolutely no logic at all but it's just what my mind tells me.