MC at 11 weeks - long post (sorry)

[altlife]

I’m not sure if this is the right place but I feel like I need to talk about this. I’ve seen on other threads how sympathetic and helpful you can all be and I hope it’ll help me (and maybe others who are going through the same thing).

Three weeks ago, I had a miscarriage. I was 11+2.

It happened awfully fast, although looking back there were perhaps signs I should’ve paid more attention to, but I told myself I was just being overly cautious.

I think I passed my baby at home, but ended up having to go to A+E. I ended up going through most of the pain etc in the waiting room, shuffling to the loo every so often to pass tissue and the like, having contractions in full view of others waiting quietly for their turn. It was horrendous.

I ended up being there with my DH for 6 hours or so, but thankfully was allowed to come home. I think I was in shock as I felt no emotion until the following day. I then just felt sad, guilty, useless, and after a few days at home I told DH I needed to get away, so we went away for a few days with DS.

This proved to be a lovely distraction which was much needed and very welcome. When we came home I decided I wasn’t ready to return to work and have been off since.

I’ve had trouble processing it since. I’m not sleeping well. I’ve started C25K to try and get some activity into my week but I eat total rubbish.

I’ve started to worry that I’m teetering on the edge of going off the rails.

I feel like drinking.

I feel like smoking.

I’m not a big drinker, I haven’t had a drink in years other than Christmas. I have never smoked. But I feel like I need to explode, to let loose or something. Just to make it all go away.

At times I’m ok, especially if I’m busy and keeping distracted. Other times, like now, I feel incredibly angry.

I want to TTC again but I’m obviously worried about another mc and I’m being quite destructive in that I am just eating whatever I can get my hands on, even though I am convinced I lost the baby due to my weight. My BMI is over 40.

I’ve thought about counselling but I just don’t feel ready, and I’m not prepared to take medication (eg. Antidepressants).

All I want to do is give the world 2 fingers and behave recklessly. I don’t, because I have a beautiful 6yo DS, not to mention a supportive DH and family. I don’t want to talk but I’m worried I’m going to fall off the edge if I don’t catch myself soon.

Any advice?

So so sorry for your loss

I don't have much advice but just wanted to give you some encouragement that it does get easier with time and you will feel like yourself again. Just like you I miscarried at 11 weeks 6 weeks ago now and at first I felt terrible too. I was just feeling down all the time, couldn't focus on anything, didn't know what to do with myself. But slowly I've been starting to feel better in the last 2 weeks or so. I even feel able to think about TTC again. Be kind to yourself and do ask for help if you need to. Talking to my DH about it and also a friend (in real life) helped me a lot.

I’m so sorry for what you’ve went through op. It’s horrendous

It is still very early days, it takes time. But I think it’s good and brave your realising your feelings are too much for you. A lot of people lock away.

I would recommend having a look on tommys.org they have some great support in place for families are experiencing a loss.
They have a free number or email to get in touch and a trained midwife trained in bereavement will be in touch with you. Along with a self referral.

Take care of yourself

I'm so so sorry for your loss, and that you had to go through it in a&e

We all deal with grief in different ways, so there is no right way. You've been through something very traumatic, which your are trying to process.

Have you thought about ways you could remember your baby? When I had my first mc, I bought a plant and friends gave me a necklace with a pendant to match our pet name for the baby. I found comfort in having physical things to remember my baby by. With my third (an mmc) we were able to cremate and scatter the ashes on our young cherry tree. There's no requirement to do anything like this, but it might help.

Don't rush back to work if you are not ready. I've had varying amounts of time off work, from a few days to 3 months. With all my mcs, time was a great healer.

Be kind to yourself, and reach out for help when you are ready.

Thank you all for the kind words, it really does help.

I've spoken to DH a little more. He recognises I'm not myself. I've said I'm going to try and speak to a counsellor through work, although not sure how likely i am to actually do it. But I know the option is there.

In the first few days I was ready to get a tattoo, plant a rose in the garden etc. But while we were away we happened upon a teddy shop, and they had the perfect teddy for remembering our baby. For now, it's enough.

I know I need to take my time I'm just worried I'm going to do something careless (not harm myself). I'm just feeling a bit 'what's the point'.

@AnxiousTurtle3 @marplemead I'm sorry you're both been through it.

@Sunny1112 thank you for the Tommy's advice. I've been through some of their pages and it has helped in dealing with some of the grief.

Thank you all x

I am so sorry you have experienced this. It is horrible. It leaves a gap in your life where there was so much expectation and hope.
I went through quite a similar cycle of thoughts/ compulsions as you especially with wanting g to drink to pass the time.
Ultimately, and luckily, for me the healthy ones won out and I channelled the anguish into making myself a healthier person. I ran and really took care of what I ate and over a year managed to lose over 15kg to become a healthy weight.

I'm not saying this to make you feel bad if you do end up drinking/ smoking your way through the grief. But you seem to have an inclination to go the other way too and I want you to know it is possible and for me was really helpful.

Best of luck with your journey.

Also.
You didn't lose your baby because you are overweight. It is almost always due to chromosomal issues in the first trimester. This is not your fault.

@Swantail

I am so sorry you have experienced this. It is horrible. It leaves a gap in your life where there was so much expectation and hope. I went through quite a similar cycle of thoughts/ compulsions as you especially with wanting g to drink to pass the time. Ultimately, and luckily, for me the healthy ones won out and I channelled the anguish into making myself a healthier person. I ran and really took care of what I ate and over a year managed to lose over 15kg to become a healthy weight.

I'm not saying this to make you feel bad if you do end up drinking/ smoking your way through the grief. But you seem to have an inclination to go the other way too and I want you to know it is possible and for me was really helpful.

Best of luck with your journey.

Also.
You didn't lose your baby because you are overweight. It is almost always due to chromosomal issues in the first trimester. This is not your fault.

Wow.

Firstly I am so sorry you also had to go through this. I’m glad you were able to channel it into something so positive. I hope to be able to do the same but it’s incredibly tempting to just go the other way.

Secondly, THANK YOU. I think I really needed to hear (read?) someone say that I didn’t cause this. I’ve been feeling like I’ve let everyone down. My DS is devastated there’s no baby and it’s been hard not to feel responsible.

Thank you so much for your kind words x

@altlife oh OP I just wanted to reiterate the previous poster and say its absolutely not your fault. You've not let anyone down, but they're going to be sad too and everyone deals with grief in different ways. You have to remember that it is grief that you're feeling, and if someone had lost a parent, a friend, a sibling etc you wouldn't think there was a right or wrong way for them to grieve, and it takes time.

I had a mc recently and I was putting too much pressure on myself to be ok as soon as possible. I still have the odd bad days where everyone else is fine and I don't want to bring them down, but I'm still processing and I feel better once I've had a bit of a cry! All you can do is try to look after yourself as best you can, and if that means some chocolate every now and then, then that's ok too!

Thank you @Madeoftea. I'm sorry you've been through the same thing.

I recognise it's grief I've just never felt grief quite like it. And I do feel partly to blame. I don't think I looked after myself well enough etc. I don't know.
It's hard to process.

I do try and have a word with myself. Remind myself it's early days and I will start to feel better. But sometimes I go right down the rabbit hole

So sorry for your loss OP. It's absolutely horrific. I had a MC at 10+4 last September and the physical and emotional pain I found to be awful. I adopted lots of less than helpful coping mechanisms afterwards including eating whatever the hell I wanted and smoking weed for a few weekends but you know what...you gotta do what you gotta do. I had a month of letting loose and then got back on the wagon of being healthier and conceived a few months later. Let yourself do what you need to I think then get back to it. It's an awful shock and people cope in different ways. I wish you all the best for the future and take it easy

Thanks @baldafrique that's helpful to know.

Right now I think I'm in between letting loose and doing what's right for everyone around me, which is getting back to normal as much as possible. Unfortunately I don't think that's the right thing for me.

I'm going to try and keep up with the running but I do think I need some time 'off'. I think not doing so has made things worse.

Thanks for sharing, and huge Congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope things are going really well for you x

I hear you - I had a MMC with fetal death at 11 weeks (discovered at 12+2). Had a lovely healthy scan at 10+2 so thought we were home free.

That was 5 months ago and Im just going for counselling now as before that I wasnt ready to talk about it and was still in the acute stage of grief.

I'm so sorry for your loss @TheDaydreamBelievers. It's an awful thing to happen but even worse so when you've just had a healthy scan. It's good that you're in counselling. Is it helping?

If you work, can I ask how soon you went back? I just can't seem to find the focus for it at the moment. Or anything else for that matter. I just feel sick of everything and everyone and I hate myself for it because everyone has been nothing but supportive.