Deep shame after 2 miscarriages

[Cloudfox]

Hello,

I need to get this out somewhere. I don't know if my feelings are normal.

I have one DC, aged 3, no issues in pregnancy.

I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks last year, baby measured 9 weeks. We were devastated, but I could rationalise that we were unlucky and chances are it would be a one off.

I've just had another miscarriage. This time anomalies were found at our 12 weeks scan and a NIPT test showed high likelihood of chromosomal abnormalities. We were continuing testing when we found the babies heartbeat had stopped. I had medical management at 16 weeks. The process of testing, diagnosis and then loss was very protracted and traumatic, but I'm glad we didn't have to make difficult decisions about going on with the pregnancy.

I am feeling intense, deep shame. We've been open with friends and colleagues about what's happened, and I feel like everyone judges us/pities us/wonders what's wrong with us, like we're somehow tarnished. Meanwhile, all our friends have more than one or are pregnant, seemingly with total ease.

At the moment, we can't face trying again, though haven't ruled it out completely. I worry desperately about my DC being an only child, and that everyone will know it's not what we wanted and will pity her too.

I know these feelings probably aren't entirely rational, but I can't stop them.

Can anyone relate? I am thinking about having some counselling.

Hi @Cloudfox

I am so sorry for what has happened to you… That is so incredibly sad ☹ the same thing happened to us, 2 years ago. I was pregnant for the first time, easily, at 37. But at the 13-week scan, numerous abnormalities were clearly seen on our baby girl, and the consultant suggested an immediate termination, which happened 4 days later. They collected samples on her but karyotype came back as normal. They stopped further investigation, on the basis that what they saw was so rare that it could not be caused by one single mutation but likely a lot….

When my periods came back, after 3 months, we tried again, and I fell pregnant. I lost it at 6 weeks. I fell pregnant again but suffered a missed mc at 8-9 weeks. Aspiration. After a few investigations done by myself (being referred to infertility department in the mean time), I was pregnant again, but had another mc at 6 weeks. Further investigations were done, and consultant found a blood clotting disease and low ovarian reserve (=bad quality egg???). I got pregnant two more times, with appropriate treatment for the blood clotting (heparin), but I lost these two pregnancies again.

And there we were. 6 pregnancies, 18 months. After the last one in Nov 2020, I immediately started IVF, and had two cycles. I managed to “make” 2 normal embryos (no chromosome anomalies, PGS tested). I just had the result this week. A first implantation is being organized right now. If I lose it, I will know at least that it wouldn’t have been due to poor quality egg… I cannot believe all that happened in the last 2 years.

What you are going through is extremely difficult, but you shouldn’t feel any shame. I don’t, because none of this is my fault. I started counselling 6 months ago, it is useful. People around us also didn’t know how to react at first, but they never judge, because again, none of this is our fault. I found that talking to our families and our friends, in details about everything, was very important. Simply because unless someone is going through such things, no one knows what it is like. Then, they can talk to us and react appropriately. They follow our journey, while being very discreet and sensitive. And because of that, we can still meet regularly without feeling anything awkward.

All your feelings are completely normal. In my case, talking was the key. Take some time to rearrange all your feelings, sensations, thoughts. And maybe when the moment comes, talk to a doctor?

Be kind to yourself. Take care xx

S.