Sorry not sure if this belongs here or the infertility board really, but here goes. Apologies it's so long.
I've NC for this as don't want it linked to other posts that may be identifying.
I had IVF at the end of March, so absolutely no doubt about dates or anything.
Tested a strong positive with a first response test 11 days after my transfer when I would be 4 weeks 2 days.
Easter Monday I had a HCG blood test done at the clinic, the level was 89.9 so not particularly high for that stage of pregnancy and they wanted it to be a 3 digit number ideally, though that level was still counted as a positive.
Obviously the key is that numbers are doubling but my result from 2 days later was 52 so it almost halved instead of doubled 
I've been testing most days with first response and the lines are getting fainter I think but not drastically so.
I've had no bleeding or pain but have been continuing with the IVF meds as advised by the clinic which delays any bleeding.
The clinic said I can go in for another blood test but they will charge me for it. (Plus I'm back at work as of today after being furloughed and the clinic is a 4 hour round trip so not ideal.)
Not sure what I'm asking really, I thought about calling the EPU at the local hospital but not sure they can tell me anything.
It just seems so sudden to completely give up on this.
I should be 5weeks 3 days.
I just can't accept this is all over, it was our last chance, we can't afford any more treatments and to be honest I'm not sure our marriage can take any more of this.
I do have a DS from our first IVF treatment and obviously he is absolutely everything and more to me, my world completely revolves around him and I am grateful every single day for him, and I feel so guilty I've spent so many of his childhood agonising over having another baby.
But my heart aches every single day with grief and loss over not having the family I always longed for, not giving him a sibling and never getting the chance to be a mother again. I can't get away from the thoughts, everything reminds me of babies/children/siblings.
I can't ever seem to enjoy things with my son because it's always tinged with sadness that this is the first and last time I'll ever get to experience these childhood moments and time just moves so fast that I always feel sad about things. I literally hate that he's growing up so quick and getting older and needs me less etc. I dread the future when he's a teen/adult and isn't interested in me.
This will be my 2nd miscarriage along with 3 failed IVF transfers.
I'm also terrified to start the miscarriage process. I had one at 7 weeks a few years back after IVF and it was absolutely horrific, nothing like 'a heavy period' that most people describe an early miscarriage as.
It was absolutely uncontrollable bleeding and pain that I had to go to A&E for and I was so unwell for a long time afterwards due to the blood loss.
I hadn't told anyone about this cycle of treatment as I was able to keep it all between me and DH for once due to being furloughed, I didn't need to explain time off work etc. It was so nice not having everyone know we were TTC and get to keep it private like a 'normal' couple would.
So I don't have anyone to talk to about it and no one understands anyway.
All I ever read in these situations is 'you can try again when you are ready' 'this happened to me and I now have a 2 year old etc' but that's just not an option for me. I can't just try again and I don't know how to move forward with life just as it is. It will always feel like there is something missing.
Sorry for the ramble, I just need to get it out. I can't stop crying as it all feels so final and the rest of my life is decided for me