Returning to work after miscarriage

[PinkElephant7]

I recently discovered there was a problem with my pregnancy when I went for an early scan at nearly 7 weeks. I went because I thought there might have been a problem and I was right, the scan suggested things weren't developing as they should.

I was referred to the Early Pregnancy Assessment Unit and had another scan on Thursday just gone. I was expecting bad news and so I went dressed for work because I thought I would carry on my day afterwards.

Instead, I was very upset to hear that there had been no change and it was looking very much like a miscarriage but I would have to go back for another scan to be sure.

I messaged my boss to let him know and told him the consultant had suggested I need 2 weeks off but I'd see how things go. I went home and went to bed.

I had meetings that day that weren't cancelled and so the next day, I made sure I sent cancellations myself.

I had agreed to take on an important task or our HR team and so they had been messaging me about it. I also had senior colleagues needing to speak to me. With Teams, there is no out of office function!

I felt fairly OK on Friday so did a few tasks that were required of me and agreed some important things for tomorrow. I'm now basically in a mess because I feel like I'm not well enough for work but am committed to some important tasks. I'm in a senior role and I feel completely responsible for this mess. If only I could have said 'I'm having a miscarriage' instead of 'I'm off sick today'!

What would you do? Some minutes I think I can manage the task and I need to meet my responsibilities and others I think I'm just not ready for work. I am literally having a miscarriage right now.

Advice please.

I think you need to look after yourself. Message your boss and suggest who could take over your roles. Then turn computer off

Sorry you are going through this. Can’t you be honest and tell them it was a miscarriage? People might be more understanding and you can have the time off that you need.

Can you not explain to your boss that you are in the middle of a miscarriage and will be off work for the entire few days.

I am so sorry for your loss

Please message your boss and tell it's a miscarriage and is ongoing. He should be able to extend your seek leave. And telling him why could also help your emotional support on return. It's time we start opening up that miscarriage is not just an event but impacts on health especially emotional health. Am so sorry for your loss

Sorry to hear that. I agree be honest if you can and message your boss. I found after the physical process of my miscarriage, the psychological elements afterwards were also really tough.

My boss knows and isn't expecting me back but hasn't sorted anything out in my absence! Then I ended up working on Friday because I felt up to it and so I feel stuck with what's on my plate this week now. There is a part of me that can imagine me telling HR that I'm having a miscarriage and can't work but I feel I've created this situation and need to deal with it 🙈

I told my boss and colleagues when I lost my baby at 16 weeks. I do think, rightly or wrongly, many will extend a bit more understanding when it comes to baby loss rather than 'general sick leave'.

I personally would work another 1/2 day just to delegate tasks and make sure your meetings are cancelled, out of office is on, etc. And then shut your computer down and turn your work phone off. I knew the stress of not sorting things out at work before I took leave would just eat away at me. Nobody is going to judge you for leaving anything half finished though.

I'm very sorry you're going through this.

I guess I could just tell my HR colleagues the truth about what's happened and they would understand. On Friday it was a probable miscarriage and not much physically wrong with me. Today, it's full on pain and blood loss!

@otterbaby maybe if I call my boss tomorrow and explain my concerns. It's hard because I don't really want to speak to anyone and worried I'll just be a blubbering mess! I'm not feeling particularly in control right now!

So sorry you are going through this. But I really do think you need to take some time off work in the next couple of weeks to get through this both physically and emotionally.

When I had my first miscarriage (which was my first pregnancy) I was also in a fairly senior role, and hadn't told anyone at work about being pregnant yet, because I knew it would immediately change perceptions of me in a work capacity (I'm not saying that's a negative thing, it's just a fact) So therefore I also didn't want to tell everyone I was having a miscarriage, for much the same reasons.

In the end I told my boss in confidence, who was just fantastic about it, (and revealed that him and his partner had also experienced this a number of times - this is often the case when you mention miscarriage, people surprise you with their own experiences, it's just not spoken about enough).

I also confided in a trusted staff member. He was also great about it. To everyone else, I just said I was ill, nothing more needed, none of their business!

I took 2 weeks (I think, this was a while ago now) & I needed that. When I returned to work, my trusted team member was on standby, and he immediately started a group conversation about a TV program we were all watching, so there was no chance for anyone to jump in and quiz me. I did tell other colleagues etc, but many weeks and months later, when the time was right for me,

I guess what I am saying is, please take some time for yourself here. Work will still be there when you get back. I say this really kindly, but no matter how indispensable you feel you are... you're not. And, if you have some trusted friends at work, share this with a couple of them if you can?

Sending thoughts 💐

I did all my communication via email for the same reason. I think I wrote something at the beginning to say I was emailing because it was the easiest way for me to communicate at the moment but could speak on the phone if necessary. Although my boss was male and got pretty uncomfortable with tears so that suited him as much as it did me.

Honestly, they will understand!

Thanks @movehimintothesun. I'm fairly new in the role and due to have my probation signed off on Tuesday by my current line manager who is leaving and so a 1-1 with my new line manager on Wednesday. The task I have to complete is with HR and would take several days so I would have to tell them. And before you know it, everyone knows 🙈 I really feel that if I want to keep it to myself, I need to get on with it and get whatever rest I can around the work.

Please talk to HR, it’s unlikely the first time someone’s gone through this at your workplace, and it certainly won’t be the last.
For what it’s worth I’m not far ahead of you. My scan was 2 weeks ago and the miscarriage itself started 10 days ago. It’s nearly over but I did spend last weekend in hospital with a haemorrhage. I’m also dreading going back to work tomorrow, and getting really emotional at the thought. Sending you a handhold. Put your own needs first.

@Sunbird24 I'm really sorry to hear that. Hope you're OK and best of luck for tomorrow.

I guess I'm also worried about what happens if I start the HR task and find I can't finish! Right now, it's all so overwhelming I feel like I want to stay at home and if I lose my job, so be it. Not that it's likely, I'm probably catastrophising but this is what is going through my mind.

You definitely won’t lose your job. Let someone at work know so they can support you. We’re allowed to struggle with this, we’re human, and still got all those hormones putting us out of whack on top of grieving.

Thanks @Sunbird24 that really helps X

I think it really depends on you and circumstances etc. For early pregnancy loss generally most women do not have that much time off, I personally took a day (happened on a Thursday night) but it was at 6 weeks. Obviously further along there tends to be more pain, more likely to need surgery etc.

But there's no right or wrong, we are all different. I do recognise that my situation was quite different to a colleague who miscarried 2 weeks after me, she had multiple before and then went onto have (thankfully successful) ivf whereas I had had a contraception fail. So basically take the time you need, but perhaps negotiate with work for flexibility for this week working when you feel able

Thanks @moochingtothepub this is probably the reality check that I need! I have been talking myself that people have to deal with much worse. Hopefully the painful bit is done now and if I can get a good night sleep tonight and a late start tomorrow, hopefully, I'll be just fine.

Don’t worry about comparing @PinkElephant7 - this is my second miscarriage in 4 months, both from ivf, both required a trip to A&E. As somebody once said, there’s no winners in the pain olympics!
See how you feel in the morning, do whatever you’re comfortable with. I’ve got to go in as my boss has arranged a really important meeting that I’m supposed to be running, but I reckon I’ll probably leave after that.

@Sunbird24 I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. Hope it goes OK xx

@PinkElephant7 I hope you’re ok. I’m going through the exact same thing today and was at the EPU this afternoon. I need to go back on Tuesday to check my bloods and levels and will likely have confirmed it’s a miscarriage I’m currently experiencing. It’s just so awful and upsetting.
I’m head of HR and I can tell you, I won’t be logging on tomorrow. We need to take care of ourselves, do not worry about telling your HR department. It’s their job to ensure you have reasonable adjustments and the required time off to heal physically but more importantly mentally. Please forget your work, nothing will break (it never does) and they will understand is they are even remotely decent people or business. Take care of yourself

Hope you’re doing ok @PinkElephant7, I got through this morning but will wfh this afternoon

@Sunbird24 it was OK thanks. I spoke to my boss and I'm having some time off at the end of the week. I also was able to tell a female colleague that I work closely with and it is really helpful to have someone in the team who knows. All I need to do now is the critical stuff and leave the rest for next week.

Good stuff. Hope the rest of your week goes smoothly

Thanks @Sunbird24 you too. Isn't it crazy that I feel guilty taking time off for a MC but fine with a bad cold