Relationship advice

[twilight333]

Hi everyone, I had a misscarriage a week ago and saw and held our 8 week embryo in the bath, it was very traumatic, and never thought it would be like this.

I have since been having relationship issues with my husand he is so lovley but he seems to be dealing with this differently to me. I find myself being nice to him and then so horrible saying the worst things and even the thought of divorce. I need some advice on how to make this easier, if I seem normal and things he jusy carries on as normal and can be happy but I just can't, it was our first and I feel I have failed I feel his mom doesn't like me and even that me and my husbands genes don't work together, I am really struggling if you have any advice I would be greatful 😞

I'm so sorry for your loss @twilight333.
We have had two losses, one at 6 weeks and another at 16 weeks. After our first loss, my relationship with my husband suffered a lot. I think for him the pregnancy wasn't as real as it was to me. I started feeling very angry towards him for seemingly carrying on as normal. When I got my first period after the miscarriage it felt like it was all happening again and he didn't seem to understand. For a time I couldn't stand him touching me or being near me.
When we lost our son at 16 weeks we did a lot of talking and I told him how I'd felt during that time after our miscarriage. He admitted that he didn't think he'd paid enough attention to how I felt about it and that he thought it was just best to carry on as normal and we could try again.
I think it's hard when you both experience a loss differently not to be angry at the other and to maintain communication. But I would stress that the only way to maintain a relationship through grief is to share it, and I mean sit him down and calmly talk to him about how this has all made you feel, and how you want him to support you. He may have no idea how you are feeling and isn't being deliberately ignorant. Give him the chance to be there for you.
Also, don't be hard on yourself. Loss and grief can make you act in awful ways.

Thank you for messaging me I really appreciate your advice and your story, I am so sorry for your losses, happy Mothers Day to you 💖 you will always be a mommy. if I have learned anything from this it's that women go through a lot of pain and suffering just by being women. I discussed with my husband today how I felt and he listened, and it's clear we are both on different processes in dealing with this; I think he now knows the extent of my feelings I was very honest and even said about divorce, we both hugged each other and seem to have been able to get over that hurdle. I have changed from this I now have no tolerance or time for things that are not right, after my experience and holding the embryo which I was not warned about, this is a strength but I know I have it in me to cut and run when things get tough, I am aware of this inside me and I m talking it out with my husband, today I have been at my rock bottom and poured my soul out (which feels like it's been turned inside out) and from where this goes now who knows. I am desperate to be pregnant I have ovulation sticks which said I was ovulating but after doing some research I believe the HtC still in my body affected the results, I am back to work tomorrow which is a bit daunting. I have been open and transparent with my husband on all feelings and cried and I hope this has created some kind of safety rope we can both hold on to and get through this together over the weeks months etc, it is a horrible time thank you for messaging wishing you a nice week 💓

@twilight333 I'm sorry for your loss. I've had 3 miscarriages over the years and my husband and I have reacted very differently. I've really struggled emotionally with them and he's always taken a 'it wasn't meant to be' approach and been far less effected. Fortunately he's always been very supportive of me and comforting, never trying to impose his feelings on me and in return I haven't tried to impose my feelings on him. It's not unusual for people to react differently to these things, there really is no right or wrong. Try not to resent the fact your dh seems to be coping better, in fact turn it to your advantage and lean on him for support if you're struggling. Looking back, my husband being less upset was a good thing as I could just concentrate on my own grief and didn't have to worry too much about him. Good luck for the future.

Thank you for your message, you have really helped you are right my husband's strength has helped me get through this, he has been amazing really, and it's right to see it in that way even though we were grieving differently, and it's fair that people do grieve differently, thank you ❤️