How to move on and give up TTC after multiple losses

[livealittlemore]

Hi All,
I have changed name for this post as I didn’t want anyone to recognise me. Just looking for advice from anyone in similar situation
We have been TTC # 2 for over 2 years now. I am 39 and will be 40 in December. Had a MMC at 11 weeks over a year ago which had to be surgically managed and have had a e few early miscarriages before and after that. The latest one was last month.
Our original plan was to try until Dec 2020 and give up if it hasn’t happened by then. But the miscarriages have left me really heartbroken and I feel that I can only get over them when I have a healthy baby so my heart is not willing to give up...But my mind is saying due to me age, my body is not up for it anymore and I should give up...I am so sad at the thought of giving up and not sure how will I be ever able to get over the losses. Giving up will just not mean stop trying but also giving away all the baby stuffs from DS, which I was hoping we will get to use again...it’ll be really difficult giving them away. I am constantly sad and every pregnancy announcement (seems like everyone around me is pregnant!) impacts me a lot to the point that I have completely stopped contact with a couple of my friends who I shared a close bond with because of MCs around the same time. But now they are both pregnant and I am not able to cope with that.
DH says we can try this year until I am 40. But I am not sure if that is going to make any difference. Feel like my life is on hold and I need to get over it and move on. But not sure how and I am really struggling to see my way past it. I am extremely grateful for our amazing DS... but it’s not just about having another child, it’s more about getting over the losses...Anyone in similar situation, what helped you move on? How did you accept it and find your happiness again?
Thanks xx

Bump!

Stopping now would be leaving it on a sad note and that in itself would be hard to overcome. Personally I would carry on trying. The fact you are falling pregnant is massively encouraging. My children are 26, 18 and 10. The first two were conceived with fertility treatment with miscarriages in between and my 10 year old was conceived (and unplanned) naturally when I was 40. I can remember trying for my second for many years and saying to my sister that I would carry on trying until my eldest was 9 and then I'd stop. She asked why I'd stop because it would never be too late in her view. With hindsight I think she was right, but I think it's natural to try put a time limit on it. Knowing what I know now, I think that if you were mentally able, I'd carry on trying and focus your energies in your health and diet and try to just focus on that rather than too much on whether you are getting pregnant. Also, it was a huge relief to me that I had a child already and was already doing the family things. Try to really focus on that. There are benefits as well as draw backs to having an only child. There is no right family. I think I struggled to really comprehend that.

Thanks @honkytonkheroe for an honest and positive response
You are right, stopping now will be sad and I don’t want to regret that I didn’t keep trying for longer. But I think my problem is that I have lost hope due to the multiple miscarriages and don’t know how to keep trying without hope. I feel like I am forced to stop because of my age but I don’t really want to! And if we do stop, I want to be absolutely certain that that’s the right decision for us.
It’s encouraging to hear your positive story after multiple losses and at a later age and your sister sounds really supportive... my Family and friends are telling me it’s late and I should give up and be happy that I have one and that has disheartened me...Agree that there are pros and cons of having a single child and at the moment I am mainly focusing on the cons. May be thinking of the positives will help. Ah it’s so difficult, I change my mind multiple times a day!

Any other positive stories or advice would be really helpful!

Why not just stop actively trying with all the OPKs and times sex and stuff? Just have unprotected sex every 2-3 days and then take a 'what will be, will be' attitude. When you fall pregnant, try really hard not to get attached and get your hopes up until at least after the 12 week scan. You don't have to use 40 as a limit either.

*timed

Are you having your miscarriages investigated at all? I have PCOS so knew I had a greater chance of miscarriage. I also tended to think that a pregnancy was only a chance of a baby, rather than a baby itself and therefore tried not to think too far ahead. Just because you've miscarried before, there is no reason you'll always miscarry and if you're getting pregnant, you stand every chance.

Thanks @WineInTheWillows, ya will try the relaxed approach this month and see if it makes any difference to my emotional state... I know I don't have to use 40 as a limit, but I don't want to keep trying without a time limit either. A cut off time might help to move on with life I guess...but it's putting pressure as well... so may be the easy what will be will be approach for this year might be a good idea. Although I am sure it's easier said than done...come ovulation time, I'll be reaching for the tests
@honkytonkheroe we didn’t really investigate the miscarriages but did all the fertility checks after the MMC. everything was fine and they essentially said it’s down to my age and that the next step will be ivf if we want. I don’t really think I have the energy to go for IVF...
I know atleast I am getting pregnant and I did see that as a positive the 1st couple of times, in fact it helped me deal with the miscarriages as I was sure that one of these times, the conception will lead to a baby...but after the last miscarriage, it occurred to me that, that might never happen and I might never get my rainbow. That made me panic a bit as I didn’t know what will I do in that case ... how I will I get over it and move on!

Recurrent mc is so hard because it really takes the joy out of pregnancy and positive tests etc. I had 5 losses, most very early but one a little later that we were able to get tested. I do now have a healthy baby. I know the vast majority of mc are due to chromosomal issues, so in your case, and mine it really is just a numbers game. My specialist said to just keep going until you just can't take any more and feel like it's time to stop. She said it in nicer terms but that's the long and short of it. We found it useful to take the emotion out of it and saw it as a numbers game tbh, especially if there aren't any issues. What I will say is you need to get yourself referred for the recurrent loss panel, and get your GP to give you progesterone. Tommy's have a useful leaflet on their website as the advice around this changed quite recently and a lot of GPs aren't very helpful unfortunately.

I genuinely was on the brink of giving up as it had been three years of misery, and of course that is when I got pregnant with my healthy baby. I hate those stories by the way, in my case it was just luck nothing I did. There are recurrent loss groups on fb that are really helpful with practical advice around drs and tests etc if that is an Avenue you want to pursue. I found them really helpful as no one really knows how it feels unless they've been there.

Apologies for the essay, I've been there and it sucks. Honestly don't know what I would have done had that pregnancy not worked out, I'm not sure I'd still be trying tbh.

I had 2 losses last year and now 40 felt as time was running out. I bought the book it starts with the egg and bought the supplements recommended in it for recurrent loss. Took them for 3 months before ttc again which also would give your body time to heal from previous loss. I'm now 8 weeks and saw a heartbeat last week I also took a glass of pom juice a day good luck its not over for you yet

@Baileys123 sorry to gatecrash this thread (OP) but would you share which supplements you took from that book? Was it just the CoQ10 or did you also take higher dose Folic Acid, Vitamin E&C?

Thanks @Pepelepettigrew for all your advice and suggestions. They are very helpful. You are right all the joy out of the TTC process and getting a bfp is almost gone for me...sorry you had to go through so many losses but glad that you had a positive outcome in the end. I want to keep going until I am sure I can’t take anymore...but I am wondering if that time is now or how to accept & stop if I don’t get pregnant!
I have heard about progesterone to prevent miscarriage, Maybe I’ll give my GP a call and find out. But to be honest they haven’t been that helpful so far especially as we already have one child. I’ll check Tommy’s website too. Thanks for that tip
@Baileys123 thanks I have heard about that book too. Do you mind sharing the supplements recommended? Sorry you had to go through the losses too, but great that it worked out for you now and good luck in your pregnancy!
It’s encouraging to hear the positive stories and it does tell me that there might be still hope. But it will be also good to know if anyone managed to get over it if they never got their rainbows.