Horrible situation. How to be sensitive.

[Greenknees]

DH’s friend and colleague who he works closely with every day has been struggling with infertility for years finally got pregnant. I’m pregnant too and we were due on the same day but she recently lost the baby at 25 weeks. I know her too - not well and I haven’t seen her since we got pregnant because of Covid. She is signed off work for the foreseeable future and is obviously devastated.

DH is devastated for her and has messaged her saying how sorry he is etc. I’m just so aware now that our baby is going to be a horrible reminder to her that she should have a child of the same age.

Thinking ahead to the birth, should DH message her privately to give her a heads up before she turns up at work the next day to find it out? How do we navigate social media? She and DH are quite prolific users and she had been posting a lot about her pregnancy. DH puts a lot of pictures of us and the kids up. A new baby would be very noticeable by its absence.

Sorry for the rambling and if I’ve put this in the wrong place. I just feel so upset for her and sad/guilty that my pregnancy is going to cause her pain.

25weeks is not a miscarriage. It is a still birth. There is a distinction as the birth will be registered as well as the death and funeral.
I'd make sure she knows before turning up to work as she may find it hard to manage her emotions in front of others. although she is entitled to take her full maternity leave so may not be in for a long time.
As for photos I would keep posting as usual. She can block/block for 30days if she finds it too upsetting.
It's good that you're thinking about her.
Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

Hi @Greenknees, it’s lovely of you to think of this friend so highly to look for advice.

My situation was, me & DH were TTC for a while and finally got pregnant. A close relative fell pregnant at the same time, so much so we had due dates 2 days apart.

Unfortunately my pregnancy ended in MMC at 11 weeks, which I appreciate isn’t as far along as your friend. I’m not going to lie, it was rough for me. Every milestone was a reminder of where we would be and what could have been. I was very honest with her from the beginning and told her that I was so happy for her and every baby is a blessing, to keep me up to date. I also said that it was tough, so please understand if I take some time to respond.

It’s possible that DH friend will reach out first. But if not, then it may be good for DH to ask what she wants (I.e a heads up about the birth before social media). There’s no right or wrong way to deal with it, but it helped me to not see surprise posts and be prepared.

You’re a really good friend xx

And sorry, my story is about my miscarriage, and your friend had a still birth. But I hope it helps xx

Also, although the result will be the same, remember she isn’t signed off work. She’s on maternity leave. Her baby was born after 24 weeks and thus she is entitled to maternity leave.

I would also post as normal. I imagine she will block posts if she wants to / needs to.

Yes you are right in that your pregnancy and baby will be a reminder for her that her baby is not with her. But she will be grieving her baby and those milestones if that makes sense so try not to take it personally if she distances herself from you and DH (it's worth telling your DH this as well).

At the moment you need to follow her lead and this means for the time being giving her space. I would get your DH to message her privately way before any announcements are made. Also be sensitive with social media posts if you choose to have a baby shower don't advertise it etc. You can always set up private groups for family members to see photos etc.

I have recently miscarried at 14 weeks my friend is due 1 week before I was and yes it hurts I have hidden any social media posts from friends who are pregnant as its a painful reminder. But for me I want my baby not theirs if that makes sense?

And please whatever you or your DH do don't use the phrase plenty of time to have another.....
There are ways to recognise losing a baby in things like Christmas cards it's not spoken about but that little bit of recognition from friends can mean a lot rather than being swept under the carpet or not mentioned ever again because it's deemed uncomfortable.

Hi. I had two lovely friends pregnant at the same time as me when I lost my baby girl at 27weeks.
To be entirely honest, she will be aware of you and what is going on but also she will be crippled by pain and hurt and a fog of grief that means a lot of your life will pass her by within that fog. I don't say that to be hurtful just to make you aware that over the next few weeks and months her priorities will be to figure out how to get out of bed for the day. Not necessarily awareness of you if that makes sense.
In terms of support as others have said you continue as you would have and she will remove herself from scenarios that she's not comfortable with. In some instances I blocked and unfriended people that I just couldn't see in that time.
I still struggle with pics of both my friends kids, they are always there as reminders of her, but they are also beautiful amazing reminders that life is an incredible thing and these tiny humans are a miracle like no other.
Try to acknowledge her baby where you can. We received some very lovely and personal gifts and cards that are all in our dd's memory box. Most loss parents are terrified and I mean terrified that people won't or can't acknowledge their babies.

Hi. I'm in a very similar situation, but from the opposite side. You never know how anyone else feels but I can tell you how I feel at the moment.
I lost my baby at 20 weeks on Xmas Eve, having been trying for 4 years. My colleagues wife is pregnant following IVF and is due a week before I was. We had been emailing eachother as we were both very anxious. My sister in law is also due in April.
I have thrown myself back into work, so differ in my reaction there.
I find it difficult to control my emotions and never know what is going to upset me. But get upset if people keep things from me trying to be kind. I miss knowing how they are and what's going on in their pregnancy. Just because something bad happened to me doesn't mean I can't be happy when something good happens to others.
When SIL has her baby I'm going to ask if I can meet them alone so as to not have to worry about my reaction (especially around my young nieces). Pre warning and time to react and deal with the situation without having to think about others or how they will feel about your reaction is important I think. So I personally would greatly appreciate a phone call or text.

It's really nice of you @Greenknees to be so understanding towards your friend.
I was on the unfortunate side of this kind of situation last year as I lost my baby at 22 weeks while my best friend was pregnant and she exactly the same time.

Everyone reacts differently, but there will be shock, sadness and pain on her part. I know some people say they can still be happy for others but there's probably a bigger part that is so sad for herself. Particularly in the first few months and up until the due date my friend was a very painful reminder of what I had taken from me. I was honest with her and said I needed space and she was very understanding. I just felt bad being in touch and feeling unable to acknowledge where she was in her pregnancy or talk about her baby. So I felt it was more difficult being in touch with this elephant in the room. I came back to her before her due date and felt stronger but it still hurt immensely. What did ease the blow was that she understood, she used my baby's name, and she acknowledged how hard it must have been for me.

I still find I get very angry and hurt by others pregnancy announcements, particularly when they seem to expect me to jump for joy for them without acknowledging my pain.

I think you are absolutely entitled to post on social media, but I know I would have been hurt if my friend hadn't given me a few weeks without posting bump updates etc as it's all just so painful. It's very isolating as it is rare to lose a baby at this stage so you do feel like it's all very unfair.

If you can and I'm not sure how close the relationship is, but perhaps a little token/keepsake to send her with the baby's name might be a nice gesture.