How to approach family

[magpiecounter]

We lost our baby on the 23rd December 2020 and he is being cremated on Wednesday (13th). I have told my family and they have all sent messages and said they're sorry and wished us well and suggested we all light a candle on Wednesday for him as covid means we can't go to the service. My family regularly check in with us to see if we are ok and if we need anything.

Should I say anything to my in-laws? They know about the baby dying but literally haven't said anything to us about it at all. How do I broach the subject? I know people react differently about these things but it feels like they don't care. Our pet died Tuesday and they all sent messages about him yet nothing about the baby. I guess I value human life higher than some people but now I'm not sure how to ask them if they want to join in lighting a candle. I don't want them to be left out of a nice thing to do but at the same time they don't seem to be that bothered.

Sorry for you loss

What does your partner say? He should know them best! Likelihood is they don't know how to broachit with you so I'd just send them a message. If they don't want to do it, they won't but I doubt you'd offend them by asking. And who cares if they think it inappropriate/unnecessary anyway, it's your baby so you can do what you want to commemorate them. So I'd invite them to light a candle and then leave it at that.

@Pugliandreamer thank you for your advice. I sent them a message explaining Cillín was being cremated Wednesday and we are all lighting a candle for him. If they don't want to they don't need to. I'm not going to know really. I just wish they were more like my family and even acknowledged him. They saw us yesterday and I was having a bad day and they said "cheer up it might never happen" to me and it made me feel worse.

@magpiecounter that's very thoughtless. I'd have said "it already has" to remind them that actually things are pretty tough right now.
Where is your partner in all this? He really needs to have a word. Some families aren't as involved in grief. My family doesn't really express it, whereas my DH's family goes - in my opinion - really overboard on it. But then I think mine would still be considerate about it, and not make thoughtless comments.

I wanted to say something but I just walked away. My husband said they care but there's nothing they can do and it's not like he was a real baby as they didn't meet him.

It might make a difference in their eyes as to what stage you miscarried at.
What they said was horribly insensitive, I’m sorry they did that to you. And I’m sorry for your loss, I’ve been that soldier too.

@TheFoz we were only 9 weeks so I know it's nothing. It was our 5th ivf though so they know how much we wanted the baby.