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Miscarriage at 10 weeks
10

Bumblebee93 · 07/01/2021 18:29

I wanted to post on mumsnet as during this period it has been so comforting to read about others in similar situations. None of my friends or family have experienced this so those close to me don't really know what to say. Please be aware that this does go into detail of the miscarriage itself.

I found out I was pregnant 23rd November. My partner and I were thrilled and started making relevant lifestyle changes. Anything that was a question mark, I cut out entirely such as caffeine and began shielding to ensure we were being as safe as possible. I started taking pregnacare multivitamins and daily pelvic floor exercises. Over Christmas (before BoJo’s announcement) we explained to a select few family and friends the reason we would not be seeing anyone over Christmas was due to the pregnancy. It felt like such a long time between having the positive test and the 12-week scan so we booked a private scan at 9 weeks.

At the 9 week mark I had my phone call with the midwife (29th December). This was delayed a week as 8 weeks feel over Christmas. At this point, the previous week there had been pink discharge on 2-3 days (not consecutively). My pregnancy symptoms had been minimal, with 2 days of notable morning sickness and the most consistent symptom being mild cramps. The midwife reassured me that, where spotting and pink discharge is not ‘normal’ it isn’t uncommon. The following day I was spotting red blood. I was concerned at this point that this was likely to be a miscarriage. I was unable to contact my midwife so I contacted the early pregnancy unit. They advised me to observe symptoms and take another pregnancy test in two weeks time. I was incredibly anxious at this point as I was expecting the worst. I just wanted to know what was happening and it was so distressing to not be able to have an answer. Fortunately, we had our private scan booked that day (30th December).

At the scan it was an internal due to date of pregnancy. It felt really uncomfortable but I don’t think this was helped by my anxiety at that time. My heart sank, I knew from the faces of the staff that it wasn’t good news. One of the staff asked if I was confident on the dates. They confirmed that there was a yolk sac but no heartbeat or embryo. We were taken into another room where they explained that this appeared to be a missed miscarriage. As it was a private scan they weren’t able to confirmed this so sent the details across to my hospital. They contacted the unit but they were unable to see me that night (the scan was 8:15pm) so they advised they would ring in the morning.

I was trying to hold it together at the clinic and at home for my partner’s sake, but we were both devastated at the news. We had known the statistics of miscarriages in the first trimester. I had obsessively researched miscarriages and signs of miscarriages so I could prepare for the worst, but essentially we had always anticipated that the pregnancy was viable. I’m 27 and the midwife had deemed this as a low-risk pregnancy. It was such a shock.

The following day (31st December) I couldn’t stop crying. I sprained my ankle the next morning as I fell down the stairs (obviously not paying attention!) so I felt trapped in the house with this awful new reality. And it felt like a truly appalling end to 2020. I received the call from the early pregnancy unit who said that I would need to go in for a scan the following week in line with their NICE guidelines. I contacted my workplace to let them know and they were very understanding about time off. They had known about the pregnancy as I work in health and social care so they needed to know from a risk assessment perspective.

The next week was difficult. I’d done a lot of research into signs and symptoms but not much research into what happens after. I can’t describe how it felt to be waiting to miscarry. I was still processing this news and what it meant while anticipating this physical trauma I was yet to endure.

The miscarriage itself came 6 days after the scan (5th January). In the week leading up I’d had heavier and heavier bleeding. The night before I was convinced I was going to miscarry as the cramps were so bad. The night I did miscarry it lasted about four hours. I had progressively more painful. I won’t lie, it was emotionally and physically difficult. It was hard not to feel betrayed by my body which was putting me in so much pain, and I also felt completely out of control over what was happening. Mid way through I was panicking that I was bleeding too much. The guidance is that if you bleed through a sanitary pad you should contact 111. But how are you meant to know that if you can’t move off the toilet for bleeding and pushing out tissue?

My partner felt quite helpless and he found it difficult to see me in so much pain. I explained it was helpful him just being there, which it really was. I can’t imagine how I would’ve coped on my own and I have so much sympathy so those who do.

The following day happened to be the second scan where they confirmed that there had been a miscarriage at 5 weeks. They weren’t able to give any reason, which is what we had been expecting.

I’m not sure if this is a feeling shared, but I feel incredibly let down by the midwives and early pregnancy teams. I do absolutely acknowledge this is irrational. I know they are limited with resources, particularly in this time, but it has been a painful realisation that you’re more of less ‘left to it’. At the very least being prescribed pain relief would have been something.

I’m planning on returning to work next week but I’m not confident I’m ready to go back. I manage around 30 members of staff who won’t know the reason I’ve been off. I still feel quite fragile and whenever I tell anyone I still get quite tearful. The whole experience feels so raw and I’m still processing everything. It still feels like a gut punch to what should have been a low-risk, straightforward pregnancy. It feels so unfair. Three of the staff that I manage are pregnant. Luckily, I don’t see them as I worked remotely primarily. I worry the longer that I stay off the more worried I’ll be about going back.

I have self-referred to talking therapy and I’m looking to join the miscarriage associated group. I know it will be painful to talk about and relive, but I know I need to go through this to be able to move forward.

I’m so anxious about trying again and I don’t know if I can cope with going through this again so soon.

One thing that has given me so much comfort over this period has been joining this community of women who have all survived through this. I want to thank all the women who’s stories I’ve read and experiences I can relate to. It’s this awful, tragic club we’re a part of but we’re surviving and we’ll be stronger.

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MrsN90 · 07/01/2021 19:06

Hey Bumblebee93...

I'm so so sorry for your loss huni.
I have gone through the same.
I have a 5 year old and have been trying for 3 years for baby no.2.
Finally got a positive October 26th 2020.
Was over the moon couldn't wait...finally my body said yes you can have a baby!
Little did i know it would be short-lived.

Got my appointment through for my 12 week scan on 23rd December. Looked after myself and couldn't wait to see little baby on the screen.
Then came that dreaded day.
Went to my scan. Sonographer did her job...she was quiet.
She looked and said i can see a baby but you are measuring at 9 weeks and 2 days. I'm also going to do an internal scan to see if i can get a better picture...did that...then i heard sorry darling i also cannot see heartbeat i'm afraid, but come back in a week to see if any growth or change. (I have a tilted uterus which made the picture not clear enough).
Got home...numb. Didn't know what to think.
Later that evening i began spotting no clots kept positive.
Deep breaths...didn't do anything...went about my day..
Got a call from hospital. We can fit you in on new years day at 11am..

Went to the scan, had an internal. Sorry darling there's no heartbeat and no growth..
I could feel my heart breaking!!!
Later that evening i was getting contraction type pains.
It was starting, the worst pain ever, lasting what seemed like forever!!
All that pain for something that wasn't mine in the end.
I passed everything.
I have been off work since the 22nd december, i don't feel like going back just yet either.
The bleeding has near enough stopped but my muscles still feel sore and i still get the odd cramp here and there. I can't face the people who i told at work...i know for a fact i will burst into tears!!!

I'm scared of it happening again. I'm scared to try again. Clearly our bodies knew something wasn't right..it's not our fault.

I hope we get rainbow babies soon...

Worst thing is my sister in law (cousin's wife) is 20 odd weeks she flaunts her pregnancy around and i was told to take part in organising her baby shower Confused. I mean no one apart from my hubby parents and siblings knew i was expecting so it's not her fault but i'm just so heartbroken!
Everything is still so raw!!!

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Bumblebee93 · 07/01/2021 20:09

Firstly I'm so sorry for your loss @MrsN90

It's so awful going for that scan. Our only relief is that we found out at the 9-week mark rather than waiting. Although we would've known by the 12-week scan it felt like there was some tiny bit of validation for me that I felt like I knew things weren't right.

Can you work from home at all? I think I'm going to alternative going to work and working from home for the first week.

I can't imagine how difficult that is having a pregnancy in the family too. Can you duck out with a Covid-related excuse?

I feel the same about trying again. I was looking for another job at the time, I'm hoping to focus on a new job for the short-term and try to keep busy. My partner is really keen to try again but I don't know if I'm ready yet to think about it. Definitely want to try for our little rainbow baby but focusing on a few months of self-care and healing first.

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MrsN90 · 07/01/2021 22:56

Thank you hun.

Unfortunately i cannot work from home as i work in a supermarket.
However i am immuno-suppressed, so i might tell my manager i'd like to shield again during this 3rd lockdown.

I just can't face anyone and it's still so raw.
I'm trying my best to focus on other things. I have family around me to keep me occupied.
My hubby also wants to try again but he said whatever i feel comfortable with he is happy within that.
Just try to keep positive i guess is all we can do. I'm a huge believer in fate and destiny...if something is written for me it will happen. If not then it wasn't meant to be.

I definately agree with you 100% about self-care and mental well being.

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babysnowman · 07/01/2021 23:14

@bumblebee93 I'm so sorry for your loss.

I had a missed miscarriage at the beginning of last month and it was devastating. I've just started talking therapy and it has helped. Unfortunately I had a miscarriage before I had my daughter too, so while it feels painful now I know it does get better in time, as I hope it will for you.

I understand the anxiety about trying again. Remember that you are grieving right now and you don't need to make any decisions straight away.

Sending you lots of love xxx

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babysnowman · 07/01/2021 23:16

Love to you too @MrsN90 Thanks

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Carefree1 · 08/01/2021 14:52

I’m so sorry you’re going through this @Bumblebee93 Flowers I understand it’s hard.

I had a MMC at 11 weeks in May and it’s arguably the hardest thing I’ve been through. What I can say is that it gets better. Whilst you will never forget your baby, or how you’re feeling, you will get to a point where the scales tip and you have more good days then sad.

For me talking about it really helped. I felt worse when I kept it bottled up. I also unfollowed/muted anyone that announced their pregnancy for a good while after. It was just too tough.

Please be kind to yourself and take the time you need. I had 3 days off in the end - 1 for the confirmation scan, 2nd for MVA and 3rd for recovery. Whilst it helped getting stuck straight back into work, I often think that perhaps I should have given myself more time to grieve.

It sounds like you have an amazing, supportive DP. Just do you and remember it’s ok to feel whatever you’re feeling xx

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Hopeishere52 · 08/01/2021 15:10

I am so sorry for your loss Flowers.
I went through a very similar experience about 17 years ago, at 12 weeks. I can truthfully say miscarrying at home, was a very lonely, scary, distressing experience. That’s probably the most I’ve ever felt able to say about it. But it does get better with time.
I would say please be kind to yourself, get all the support you can from those around you, and take time out from work to deal with the emotional trauma you have experienced if you need to. Allow yourself the time to grieve. Talking can really help and it’s great that your partner is supportive.

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Summersun001 · 08/01/2021 21:31

Hi Ladies, I’m so sorry we’ve found each other under these circumstances! 💐

@Bumblebee93 I completely empathise with you. I miscarried at 9 weeks at the beginning of December - first pregnancy. I’d had brown spotting for around a week but my midwife didn’t seem overly concerned. Quite aloof actually. I called her everything other day as it wasn’t easing and I was worrying so much. She just made me feel stupid and inexperienced being my first pg. I started to notice a colour change after a week, rang 111 who were so lovely on the phone but couldn’t really do much, advised that I just monitor symptoms and if I experience any pain to go to A&E. On the 12th day we went to A&E, we were then sent to the EPU where we were met with an extremely frosty welcome. All to do with us being sent up to the unit to soon, not following procedure etc. Too soon? By this point I was heavily bleeding and just completely numb. They were very matter of fact and just told me we had miscarried and sent me on my way. My partner was made to wait outside for hours due to Covid and having to tell him in the corridor outside - I will never ever forget it. To the very few people that knew we were pregnant - I’ve described it as the most heart wrenching experience of my life. Just over a month has passed and I do feel a lot better, but the resentment towards my midwife and EPU was very much apparent in the first fortnight. I just felt like I wasn’t being listened to and although I know accept there is very little that can be done to prevent miscarriage, I still believe that we could have been treated more kindly. I imagine they deal with these things every day, but it’s momentous for those going through it. I’m not in the medical profession, but I do work in the emergency services and really felt angst at their manner. And to think that they will not do any tests until a 3rd miscarriage just fills me with so much sadness and anxiety of the thought of going through it all over again! But you’re not alone.

Big hugs to you, be kind to yourself xxx

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FinnsMammy · 11/06/2021 04:51

@Bumblebee93 how are you feeling now I’ve just found out yesterday at 10 weeks pregnant that my baby stopped growing at 9 weeks. I feel so raw and I’m at my parents in laws house at the moment staying with them
For the week so I feel like I can’t even grieve in peace. I’m so afraid that I will get these contractions while I am here before I leave Sunday morning... I can’t sleep and I cannot stop crying I had an early scan at 8 weeks and everything looked perfect so this is a complete shock I feel so numb and broken and alone 😢 I just can’t believe my little baby has passed away!

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im2sad · 11/06/2021 21:28

@FinnsMammy there's a recent thread you can join if op doesn't come back.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Last week I had a miscarriage at 10+5, I was hosting my dad so I completely relate to not being able to grieve (I hadn't told anyone I was pregnant yet and it just didn't feel right to announce I was in the middle of miscarrying).

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