I wanted to post on mumsnet as during this period it has been so comforting to read about others in similar situations. None of my friends or family have experienced this so those close to me don't really know what to say. Please be aware that this does go into detail of the miscarriage itself.
I found out I was pregnant 23rd November. My partner and I were thrilled and started making relevant lifestyle changes. Anything that was a question mark, I cut out entirely such as caffeine and began shielding to ensure we were being as safe as possible. I started taking pregnacare multivitamins and daily pelvic floor exercises. Over Christmas (before BoJo’s announcement) we explained to a select few family and friends the reason we would not be seeing anyone over Christmas was due to the pregnancy. It felt like such a long time between having the positive test and the 12-week scan so we booked a private scan at 9 weeks.
At the 9 week mark I had my phone call with the midwife (29th December). This was delayed a week as 8 weeks feel over Christmas. At this point, the previous week there had been pink discharge on 2-3 days (not consecutively). My pregnancy symptoms had been minimal, with 2 days of notable morning sickness and the most consistent symptom being mild cramps. The midwife reassured me that, where spotting and pink discharge is not ‘normal’ it isn’t uncommon. The following day I was spotting red blood. I was concerned at this point that this was likely to be a miscarriage. I was unable to contact my midwife so I contacted the early pregnancy unit. They advised me to observe symptoms and take another pregnancy test in two weeks time. I was incredibly anxious at this point as I was expecting the worst. I just wanted to know what was happening and it was so distressing to not be able to have an answer. Fortunately, we had our private scan booked that day (30th December).
At the scan it was an internal due to date of pregnancy. It felt really uncomfortable but I don’t think this was helped by my anxiety at that time. My heart sank, I knew from the faces of the staff that it wasn’t good news. One of the staff asked if I was confident on the dates. They confirmed that there was a yolk sac but no heartbeat or embryo. We were taken into another room where they explained that this appeared to be a missed miscarriage. As it was a private scan they weren’t able to confirmed this so sent the details across to my hospital. They contacted the unit but they were unable to see me that night (the scan was 8:15pm) so they advised they would ring in the morning.
I was trying to hold it together at the clinic and at home for my partner’s sake, but we were both devastated at the news. We had known the statistics of miscarriages in the first trimester. I had obsessively researched miscarriages and signs of miscarriages so I could prepare for the worst, but essentially we had always anticipated that the pregnancy was viable. I’m 27 and the midwife had deemed this as a low-risk pregnancy. It was such a shock.
The following day (31st December) I couldn’t stop crying. I sprained my ankle the next morning as I fell down the stairs (obviously not paying attention!) so I felt trapped in the house with this awful new reality. And it felt like a truly appalling end to 2020. I received the call from the early pregnancy unit who said that I would need to go in for a scan the following week in line with their NICE guidelines. I contacted my workplace to let them know and they were very understanding about time off. They had known about the pregnancy as I work in health and social care so they needed to know from a risk assessment perspective.
The next week was difficult. I’d done a lot of research into signs and symptoms but not much research into what happens after. I can’t describe how it felt to be waiting to miscarry. I was still processing this news and what it meant while anticipating this physical trauma I was yet to endure.
The miscarriage itself came 6 days after the scan (5th January). In the week leading up I’d had heavier and heavier bleeding. The night before I was convinced I was going to miscarry as the cramps were so bad. The night I did miscarry it lasted about four hours. I had progressively more painful. I won’t lie, it was emotionally and physically difficult. It was hard not to feel betrayed by my body which was putting me in so much pain, and I also felt completely out of control over what was happening. Mid way through I was panicking that I was bleeding too much. The guidance is that if you bleed through a sanitary pad you should contact 111. But how are you meant to know that if you can’t move off the toilet for bleeding and pushing out tissue?
My partner felt quite helpless and he found it difficult to see me in so much pain. I explained it was helpful him just being there, which it really was. I can’t imagine how I would’ve coped on my own and I have so much sympathy so those who do.
The following day happened to be the second scan where they confirmed that there had been a miscarriage at 5 weeks. They weren’t able to give any reason, which is what we had been expecting.
I’m not sure if this is a feeling shared, but I feel incredibly let down by the midwives and early pregnancy teams. I do absolutely acknowledge this is irrational. I know they are limited with resources, particularly in this time, but it has been a painful realisation that you’re more of less ‘left to it’. At the very least being prescribed pain relief would have been something.
I’m planning on returning to work next week but I’m not confident I’m ready to go back. I manage around 30 members of staff who won’t know the reason I’ve been off. I still feel quite fragile and whenever I tell anyone I still get quite tearful. The whole experience feels so raw and I’m still processing everything. It still feels like a gut punch to what should have been a low-risk, straightforward pregnancy. It feels so unfair. Three of the staff that I manage are pregnant. Luckily, I don’t see them as I worked remotely primarily. I worry the longer that I stay off the more worried I’ll be about going back.
I have self-referred to talking therapy and I’m looking to join the miscarriage associated group. I know it will be painful to talk about and relive, but I know I need to go through this to be able to move forward.
I’m so anxious about trying again and I don’t know if I can cope with going through this again so soon.
One thing that has given me so much comfort over this period has been joining this community of women who have all survived through this. I want to thank all the women who’s stories I’ve read and experiences I can relate to. It’s this awful, tragic club we’re a part of but we’re surviving and we’ll be stronger.