I've had the year from hell on my journey to trying to have my second baby. All started out well and fell pregnant in February with my second after a very straightforward first pregnancy. I didn't know loss and didn't think for a second it would happen me. But in June I turned up for my 20 week scan alone, expecting to find out what I was having and instead saw the lifeless image of my beautiful baby boy. Fallen asleep in my womb without me ever knowing. I'd had some concerns, wasn't feeling movement etc but like everyone told me, thought it was still early. Things like that only happen to other people. I stupidly thought I was 'good' at being pregnant and that I 'succeeded'. How wrong I was. A perfect little baby boy was born a couple of days after that.
The months that followed were painful and long. All I wanted to do was be pregnant again so I counted the days to find out what had caused this. All delayed due to Covid the days were agony as I racked my brain for some reason and sense to explain why such a perfect little soul would be given to me only to be taken back before he even had a chance. All the possibilities crossed my mind and I replayed them over and over, chromosome abnormalities, placenta problem, infection, something with my immune system.
But we sadly were given no reason why my baby died. He just did and there was nothing more suggested than that. He was perfect.
So following that news I desperately just wanted to be pregnant again. My first pregnancy was fine, my second baby died but no cause was found so we were given the go ahead. Surely third time lucky. In October I found out I was pregnant again and I felt so scared. I was a nervous wreck, not sleeping, consumed with fear and worry. The fear only got worse when I saw my FRERs stay the same for 4 days in a row. Frantically googling I could see no good was going to come from this but how could it be happening again. But it did and it ended a few days later. No baby had formed, but their eye colour, gender, hair colour, everything was already decided. They were still going to be mine and now they left as well.
I did so much soul searching the next couple of months. Trying to be mindful that I am so lucky to have my daughter. But I still feel so empty and desperate to fill the void try again. Another positive test on Christmas Eve. But Christmas morning the line remained the same. The rug was pulled under me again as I faced the certain inevitable truth that this pregnancy was going to end too. And it did and I'm currently still bleeding. Just emptied the bin in the en suite. At the bottom all the positive pregnancy tests. At the top, the sanitary pads. A metaphor for my year :(
At least now can be referred for more tests but don't feel much will be found as I had so much tested back when my son died due to it being a late loss. I don't understand why I'm going through this torture. But I've decided not to try again until we've been seen by a specialist. It kind of feels freeing, like I can just focus on living instead of being in this empty space that I'm desperate to fill. There's no point to this I just wanted to get my story out of my system. Don't know if anyone will read this. Sorry to anyone else suffering this pain. It really is soul destroying