It's gone.

[YoungScrappyHungry]

Please, any advice or hand holds would be appreciated.
(Thought) I was 11 weeks. Began bleeding lightly last night, told to wait and see if it got worse.
Wole up at 6, went to the toilet and passed clots, bright red blood and cramping was worse.
Went to A and E. I couldn't stop crying so they let DH come in with me.
Had an emergency scan which showed no heartbeat and had stopped around 9 weeks.

I veer between crying uncontrollably to just feeling empty.

DH has four kids from a previous marriage who we have 40/50. Which makes everything so much harder. She could give him 4 and I can't even give him one. I don't want to see them until this is all over, is that awful? I just need time to come to terms with everything and go through it physically first.

I have a lot of support. But that also means more people who I told who I now have to tell the news to.

I'm starting to cramp badly.

Anything anyone can say right now would be so appreciated.

I'm so sorry OP. This isn't your fault

What if it is though? I had hyperemesis and was on medication, what if that was it?
Everything I did I'm now worrying about, even though I know deep down I did everything right.

Am so very sorry for your loss OP. Hideous at any time to lose a baby but so close to Christmas must be incredibly hard. Much of your trauma at this time will be bound in shock and the brutal physical element of the loss. Be very gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel all the feelings, however ugly they may seem. The best advice I was given was to lean into the grief, allow yourself to feel and express the whole gamut of emotions. None of them are wrong. You will get through this, and the sadness of your loss will not always be at the all encompassing intensity it is at now. It does get easier I promise.

If you feel up to it, now or in the weeks to come, I found the Miscarriage Association forum hugely helpful. Zoe Clark-Coates is also well worth a search on instagram / social media. She is a grief counsellor who has experienced miscarriage and really ‘gets’ it. Her books have also proved invaluable to me. The miscarriage forum here is also really supportive and there is a very useful section on the practicalities of miscarriage and what to expect.

Hope your partner is being supportive.

Definitely not your fault OP. Hyperemesis medications are not associated with miscarriage and if you were at the point of needing them, you had little choice in taking them. It is such a natural response to blame yourself, to look for answers or meaning, to pin down why it happened. I experienced the same and tortured myself over what might have contributed to the end of my pregnancies. The reality is that nothing that you, or I, or anyone else on this sad journey could have done to prevent it. Please please don’t add to your pain by blaming yourself.

Oh OP I'm so sorry. I have been in your position, you're emotions will be all over the place and that's completely normal. Feeling numb is common, you cry so much you have nothing left and you just feel drained. Don't feel you have to hide anything or bottle anything up. Let your husband tell people if you don't want to face it, and I can understand not wanting to see his kids for a while. Its reasonable to ask for space at a time like this.

Just break it down into manageable stages for now, try not to think of it all at once. Just try and focus on the next few days, managing the miscarriage and getting through the physical process. Don't worry about other people just yet, try and focus on getting through this part first.

I was very avoidant of my baby nephew when I had a miscarriage, just seeing him hurt me deeply as he made me think of what i had lost but I promise you those feelings fade over time. And none of this is remotely your fault. You have no control over genetics, something went wrong during the baby's growth and this is not related to your medication. No doctor would prescribe anything that would harm a baby nowadays, mistakes have been made in the past but they have been learned from.

Be kind to yourself, and remember that you will heal from this no matter how low you feel. But to heal you need to be gentle with yourself, tell yourself things you would say to a friend in this position and stop beating yourself up. Wishing you all the best

I was on a lot of drugs for hyperemesis OP. lots of us are.

There is no association between hyperemesis ones (even the hardcore ones) and miscarriage.

Please be kind to yourself. You didn't cause this and you couldn't have prevented it