Friend has had miscarriage after TTC for four years, and I don't know what to do.

[SpawnChorus]

My friend has been trying for a baby for the last four years (unexplained infertility). She fell pregnant just as she and her DP decided to split up (the strain of TTC had become too much for them). She was obviously over the moon, even though she's not in the most ideal place relationship-wise.

She had a scan on Tuesday after worrying that 'something was wrong' (I don;t yet know what trigered warning bells), and found that the baby had died at 9 weeks (she's now approx 11 weeks).

I don't know if she's started to bleed or anything yet.

I am utterly devasted for her.

Is there anything I can say or do to make her feel better?

Life is so cruel.

No, to be blunt. Just be there for her. Acxknowledge her loss, tell her you are always there for her (if you will be), send a card, some flowers. Just anything to let her know you care.

Has she split up from her dp or are they reconciled?

When i had a miscarriage after TTC for a long time, I found it tough physically (felt very weak) and obviously I was upset but at the same time the fact that I had managed to get pregnant at last meant that I felt more positive about my chances of having baby eventually...

Will she stay with her dp now, or is the split inevitable?

Would it help to tell her other people's stories? I was ttc for 3.5years when I finally fell pregnant. I started bleeding (after spotting for a while) at 12 weeks, and a scan showed that baby had died at 8+4.

I started ttc again straight away, and this time took (a very intensive) 7 months to conceive dd, who is now 20 months.

Most importantly, just be a shoulder for her to cry on.

I took some comfort from knowing that at least I could get pregnant after all, but I know that some people find it irritating to keep being told this.

On a practical note, I would recommend an ERPC to avoid dragging out the conclusion of the mc.

Thank you for your replies. Realistically I know that there's F all I can do. I just want to take some of the pain for her iykwim.

Unfortunately they are still separated , even though they are still friends.

That's what makes it all the more painful I think. I'd would obviously never say to her 'You can try for another baby', but it would be an unspoken hope for the future if they were at least still together.

Shit.

it's really hard being an onlooker, you feel very powerless, although you try to empathise as much as you can.

I went throgh something similar with a friend who lost her baby at full term, and I have since found out how helpful she found all the overwhelming flow of love and support she got from her friends who were absolutely DESPERATE for her, and how touched she was that she felt able to talk to us about it which I found so moving, and proud of.

Hi Spawn - just be there for her. let her know you are there to listen, to rant at, & that she is ok to talk about whatever she needs to in whatever detail. Ask her how often she wants you to contact her - some days I wanted to be left alone, some days I wanted to talk about it.
If she has internet let her know about MN in case she wants to vent/ask advice/talk to people in similar situations etc. anonymously. Put the due date in your diary as this will be a hard day for her, just to let her know you have not forgotten her baby. SANDS might be able to help her too. You are a good friend.