I seriously need help... I have no idea what is happening to me.
Basic back story. Two children (DS1 from previous relationship) DS2 with DP. DS2 was not planned but he came along at a time that felt right so he slotted into our life without much fuss. DP and DS1 (6) have their differences, he struggles to cope with his behaviour sometimes and shouts a lot which makes DS1 behave worse but that’s another story.
I then discovered I was pregnant in July. I’m assuming only early but not entirely sure how far. DP was really cross with himself for not using contraception as well as he should have done, didn’t think it would happen blah blah. I said all along I’d like another baby but he’s said he definitely doesn’t. Anyway two weeks after I found out I had a miscarriage. I was absolutely devastated he was very relieved.
Since July he’s just forgotten about it. Whenever I mention it he just shrugs it off, doesn’t really know what to say as he didn’t feel how I did. I meanwhile am broken. It’s all I think about. Every month I take pregnancy tests praying the condom has failed and we are that 2% that no one wants to be. Every month when my period arrives I’m gutted. I can’t get rid of any baby stuff at home.
My colleague who I work closely with had in the last few weeks been darting off to throw up etc and if she is pregnant I’m not sure how I’ll be able to see her everyday. I’m going to really struggle with it. I feel life is unfair and because DP won’t try again I feel like it was a ‘look at what you could have won’ pregnancy.
I sound horrid and bitter and selfish. And I’m really not that person, I would be so so happy for her if she was pregnant but absolutely heartbroken yet again for myself. I don’t know how to get out of this rut.