RECENT MISCARRIAGE

10 replies

four · 22/10/2004 11:36

Hi everyone New to this site from NZ
Had recent miscarriage Sept. 16th 04 at 21 weeks
our little girl named Rene'a-Rose - still live in a cloud and life just isnt fair. Dont know if ever going to get through, just so shattered. Have 2 other children son 16 and daughter 7. All devastated as so looking forward to our precious girl in January 05. What to do what to do!!!! Very frustrating,... feeling anxious all the time.

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Twiga · 22/10/2004 11:47

{{{hugs}}} x

throckenholt · 22/10/2004 11:49

people have always said sands have helped them in this situation.

www.uk-sands.org/

Original poster

four · 22/10/2004 12:02

Hi all
Have just started going to SANDS been to 1 meeting - have a good support group going so hoping it can be of some help with others in the same boat

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Marina · 22/10/2004 12:03

Hi, four. There are some NZ Mumsnetters, whereabouts in the country are you? Welcome to Mumsnet, so sorry to hear of the tragic circumstances that brought you here. I too lost a baby at 21 weeks in late August 2002, he would also have been born the following January. He died in the womb and had to be induced. We had a post-mortem for him but did not find out a cause of death. I still miss him so very badly.
Do talk to us about what happened to Rene'a-Rose if you find it helpful. Mumsnetters were just wonderful to me in the aftermath of Tom's death, it did make a huge difference to how I coped day-to-day.
Are you getting good support, or any support, from the hospital and those who were responsible for your antenatal care? Is there a bereavement midwife or counsellor to whom you can speak?
I got in touch with SANDS UK , the charity supporting families affected by stillbirth and neonatal death in the UK. They have worldwide contacts with other support groups, drop them a line and see if there is a contact in NZ. The people there are very caring.
I also found SANDS' and Nancy Kohner's book, "When a Baby Dies" (Routledge, 2000) incredibly helpful.
We had a son of three to consider during our grieving so I fully understand how a baby's death impacts on the whole family.
I tried to deal with my feelings of rage, guilt, denial, despair and anxiety, I have to say, by trying again for another baby as soon as I had my six-week check. This is not right for everyone, you will know if it's right for you. It had mixed results in our case...nine months of hell followed by the safe arrival of our dd.
Sending you hugs and prayers.

Marina · 22/10/2004 12:05

Posts crossed, so glad you have found Sands, four. I too try and make sense of Tom's death by trying in some way or other to help other parents facing a similar nightmare.
We planted a tree for Tom. Not immediately, I was convinced it would also die, but around the time of his actual due date. It is covered in cheery little red apples as I write and a lasting, flourishing memorial to our much-loved son.

Original poster

four · 22/10/2004 12:06

Hi Marina
Nice to hear from you. I am from Auckland.
Havent had a 6 week check yet but nurse who delivered was wonderful which made the experience bearable. Really anxious to have the 6 week check as really want to try again but very scared and not sure if am replacing her very confused.

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Marina · 22/10/2004 12:13

Well, from my own experience, the answer is on one level, yes you are, because you wanted another child and now you are thinking of trying again for another child. But you and I both know that a subsequent baby will never, ever replace the one who died in your heart.
So glad you had a good delivery nurse. My midwife was wonderful too. It does make a difference, I think, when you hear of others', less well-managed births.
We had a good meeting at six weeks with my consultant and a bereavement midwife and they were very positive about trying again if that was what we wanted (don't know if it applies to you, but I was told the lack of a definite cause of death for Tom was actually a "good" sign that TTCing again was worth it, took me a while to get my head round that...).
I hope you get lots of support when you go for your check-up.

acer · 22/10/2004 12:14

My daughter was stilborn st 26 wks nearly 5 years ago, and I still think about her and I find I will get upset if something comes on the telly etc.. but I have two wonderful little boys (my youngest born after who is now 4) when I got pregnant again I went and had an early scan and found out the sex, I was so relieved to find it was a boy (not that I didn't want a girl) but it helped because I had convinced myself that I couldn't carry girls. four - I don't think you will feel this way once you are pregnant again, but it does take time, get yourself well and fit and take your time, but I think it's great that you are already thinking about trying again. Much hugs xxxx

leglebegle · 22/10/2004 12:31

Ah four, I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage a year ago and it hit me so hard. It took me ages to get over it, and I still think about it now. I've had another baby since then, and although it doesn't 'make up' for the loss of course, it does help a bit. I am so very sorry, I hope you find some way to get through this, sands sounds a great idea. lots of love x

Original poster

four · 22/10/2004 13:15

Thank you so much for all your messages. I just found this site and now I have all these messages. I really appreciate each and everyones support and know that we have all been through something so similar. Even going through this for all of us these messages of support makes it a little easier even if it is for a short time while reading these messages. Thank you once again for this. Hugs to you all

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