Struggling :(

[Alicia870]

Hi everyone

I sadly had a late miscarriage earlier in the year at 21 weeks. I lost a little boy and it was absolutely heartbreaking. We found no cause for why he died. His heart just stopped beating.

We plucked up the courage to try again this past month and I found out i was pregnant 8 days ago. It was an incredibly stressful week as I felt so many mixed emotions looking at the positive tests. I want this so much, but most of my emotion was sheer fear and terror that I'd have to face another loss. Sadly I did start bleeding yesterday and we have lost this pregnancy too. I know it was so so early and likely classed as chemical. I went to the gp who did my bloods and my hcg was down to 7 even though I'd had a positive digital the day before. She recorded it as a second miscarriage and said I would be referred if it happened again.

I just feel like a broken person. I know this loss is incredibly early but given what we've been through this year it just feels like a piece of my hope has been taken away even more. I can't imagine ever looking at a positive test, or a scan of a bouncing baby with a heartbeat, even a growing bump, and feel like I'm not going to take a baby home. My heart is just broken and I don't know how many losses I can take :(

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It must be incredibly hard. I don't really have any wisdom, I've had an early miscarriage but can't imagine what you're going through. Hopefully somebody with advice will be along soon.

Thanks for replying @coastergirl I am sorry for your loss.
Pregnancy is hard after any loss but I just feel so depleted at the moment. I know that women go through this many more times than I have. I just feel like it seems such a hard road now. I do have a 2 year old so I have hope that it's possible for me again. But I just don't know how many babies I can lose to have a rainbow. This is definitely the hardest thing I've ever been through

Hello @Alicia870
I'm so sorry you've had this heartbreak again.
At any stage it's heartbreaking.
I lost my baby on Monday.
I'm desperate to be pregnant again but equally as terrified.
This was also my 3rd miscarriage.
I plucked up the courage to go out today and I was just so sad, I feel so broken.
Life feels so so unfair...
I don't have any advice but I feel the pain you do.
Maybe it will be good to talk xx

Hi @Alicia870 so sorry for what you've gone through. I didn't get as far in my pregnancy as you but I had a chemical in June and then found out I was pregnant again at the start of September and I've just miscarried this past week when I should've been 10 weeks.

I really want to try again asap but part of me knows another loss will break me.

I don't really have any advice other than to say you're not alone.

@Rotagilla I'm so so sorry you've had to go through this pain 3 times. It's desperately hard to see a way through the dark. It's hard to hope because we've hoped before and it's all come to nothing. I am also walking around feeling like life is so unfair. It seems so easy for so many people and so unreasonably hard for others.

@Rumples so sorry for your losses just heartbreaking. I feel the same about fearing another loss. It's got to the stage now that I think why would I be happy about a positive pregnancy test. It feels like it means nothing but fear and dread. I don't know how many times I can try before I give up.

@Rumples I'm so so sorry ❤️

I had a difficult pregnancy with bleeding from 5 weeks. We had numerous scans and paid for numerous private ones too.
Just to have that reassurance....but honestly it never lasted!
We would have a few hours of feeling good and then the fear would creep back in.
I feel we are so conditioned to feel safe after 12 weeks too....I was told because I saw the heartbeat at 12 weeks that all was fine....and that wasn't the case at all!
I just can't see hope I'll cope if I fall pregnant and spend every single second worrying. And absolutely nothing will help that. No amount of scans.
I'm not sure I'm mentally strong enough to put myself through it...panic and worry for 9 months.

I pray il feel better after time....I'm so sad we've had to go through this.
All my love to you both xx

@Rotagilla I feel everything you're saying. I feel that I will never have any reassurance as my baby was perfect, he had nothing wrong with him and nothing was found to be wrong with me, but he still died. How can any scan or anything put my mind at ease. For the week that I've just spent pregnant, I was an absolute nervous wreck.
This is so hard. I know it's worth it still to take another roll at the dice. But there will be a time it won't be worth it anymore because the pain and trauma will be too much to bear and it makes me so sad that all the joy and hope of pregnancy has been taken away from me :(
I feel like such a moan but it's just utterly crap

@Alicia870 I just hope we are both blessed with a pregnancy with no issues.
And although nothing will reassure us hopefully with each day that passes successfully the fear will ease a bit.
I agree completely that it's worth it but yes one day we might decide the pain and worry isn't.
I hope I never get there.
I'm working hard to get healthy and strong again, taking my supplements and eating well to get in tip top condition and it's helping to have a focus.
How are you? xx

@Alicia870 how are you doing lovely? xx

@Rotagilla thanks for messaging.Doing better than I was when I wrote this post thankfully. My doctor has agreed to send me for more investigations considering my first loss was so far along.
So at least it makes me feel like I'm doing something but it probably will be ages before I'm seen.
Still takes up all my thoughts every day though. How are you doing?

I’m so sorry for the loss of your two beautiful babies.