TW (SUICIDAL THOUGHTS) & POTENTIALLY TMI
Hi everyone, I’ve had a rough last few days and needed to share it before it eats me up inside. Some of my experiences I’m not sure whether to bring up to a hospital feedback team. This might be a long read so I appreciate anyone who is able to make their way through it all.
I was supposed to be 10+3 weeks pregnant on Sunday with my first pregnancy, but had some very bad pain alongside blood and clots so I went to my local emergency gynae clinic. I went in expecting it to be a miscarriage but it was even worse not being able to have my partner or mum with me, I had to have a scan by myself and be told the fetus had not developed for the last 1.5-2 weeks and there is no heartbeat anymore. Some of the nurses were lovely but some were so blunt and unempathic it just made the whole experience x10 worse. So I make it home for the evening and the pain and bleeding just keeps getting worse.
Not much sleep later, I wake up Monday morning and notice a shaped clot in the toilet that only resembled my tiny baby which brought on a big scaled panic attack. Ended up with severe chest pains on top of everything so my partner called an ambulance. The paramedics were lovely and tried to keep me talking on the way to the hospital. Got wheeled into triage and the nurse who did my obs kept making concerning grunts when she did my ecg, which didn’t help my anxiety levels at the time. I then got moved to the next bit of the hospital waiting to see a doctor. They put me in a room by myself because they could see how much of a state I was in, which initially seemed like a thoughtful gesture but hindsight is a wonderful thing. By this point I only had a small amount of liquid morphine in the ambulance and had paracetamol and codeine earlier in the morning (7am ish) and was due pain relief. I was very lightheaded and had no energy, so just sat on this bed in agony waiting for the doctor to come see me. At the time I wasn’t aware of how long I’d been left in there. I worked it out and it was at least an hour and a half without contact from anyone. My legs were wobbly and I really felt like I needed the toilet, so it took me till at the end of this 90 minute sat there in agony to finally be able to stand up myself. By this point I hadn’t even realised how much of a literal bloody mess I was in. Thankfully I didn’t have my fluffy dressing gown on once I was in the hospital. I stood up and the mess on the bed was pretty bad, only when I stood up did it feel like someone had just pulled a plug on a bath and the stream ran down my legs. I hobbled out of this room and the nurses just looked at me with this confused expression. I asked how long the doctor would be as I’m in abit of a mess and need help, they checked my name and said oh the doctor already called for you so you’ll have to wait. I then explained what I was going through and why they put me in that room and they said nobody knew I was there. They then told me to go wait in the main a&e waiting area for the doctor, meanwhile I was making quite the bloody mess and my pyjamas were ruined. I then just burst into tears at the thought of having to go in there in the state I was in. After a few minutes of sobbing they told me to go back into a room on my own but they were going to tell the doctor where I was this time. Before going back to the room I hobbled to the nearest toilet and then the anxiety set in once again when I saw the amount of clots sat in my knickers and the blood streaming everywhere. After a few minutes of just sitting on the toilet hyperventilating, I got up and opened the door a bit and asked a nurse for help. A lovely lady helped me get cleaned up and gave me clean gowns and pads, my knickers and pjs were unsalvageable so they ended up in the bin. I worked out the timing for everything afterwards, it was around 11:10am I got off the ambulance, and I got my cannula put in around the same time I got pain relief, which was 2:20pm.
By this point I was so mentally and physically drained, the pain was so excruciating. Thankfully I wasn’t anemic which was surprising considering how much blood I had lost. Only positive was that my chest pains had eased, it was the lower abdominal and pelvic pain that was the worst. They sent me down to the emergency gynae ward, where I had a scan to see how much tissue was still stuck up there. It had to be an internal ultrasound as I’d not drank anything all day and hadn’t had a drip by this point either. Normally those scans don’t hurt, they’re just abit uncomfortable. But this time it hurt like hell. The pain was constant but the worst of it came in waves, usually always straight after the burst of pain more blood and clots passed. They then decided to do a d&c (I think?) to get what they could find out. That was the worst pain I’d ever had in my life, and I really think it could have hurt a lot less if I had had more pain relief prior. After that procedure they did another scan to check what was still left, if anything. There was still some tissue left but they gave me a drip with some tranexemic acid to help reduce the amount of blood I was losing. There was a nurse on the unit who stayed with me all afternoon and early evening until I got admitted onto a ward so they could keep an eye on me overnight. She was so lovely, she helped me cope that little bit more, which helped with the fact I couldn’t have my mum or partner to hold my hand or be with me at all. The blood loss did reduce abit, but I still was passing clots the size of small apples.
The blood loss and clotting did die down by the time I got up to the ward which was a relief. I did get to sip on some water in the afternoon but didn’t end up getting anything to eat till 9:30pm. I managed to get a few naps in here and there in between the nurses checking my obs through the night. The pain was still coming in waves but I was grateful I had nurses at the end of a buzzer to help make sure I was topped up on pain relief.
The morning finally comes along and I had some cornflakes before the gynae doctor comes to talk about what the next steps are. I had another internal scan and even after all those flipping apples sized things I was passing there was still some tissue stuck. They then said the best option next would be to do an mva. Anxiety starting hitting me like a ton of bricks (I’ve had a history of depression and anxiety over the years as well) at the thought of someone vacuuming my insides. A nurse said don’t worry you’ll have some anaethestic so it won’t be as painful as yesterday. That gave me some relief until I lay on the table with my legs in stirrups and they started it. No anaethestic in sight, they offered me some gas and air but that didn’t even touch the sides, I wouldn’t wish the pain I went through on my worst enemy, it was by far the most traumatic experience of my life. I really wish they had knocked me out for that, no one should have to be awake for it. They did another internal scan straight away to check they got it all out which they confirmed they had. Some of the nurses were really supportive but some were trying to make it sound like I was overreacting, especially when I said my legs were numb and could barely move them let alone trying to stand up.
After I managed to stand up I attempted to clean myself up but failed miserably but by this point I couldn’t care less if I was bloody or not, I just wanted to go back to the ward and lie down. After a nurse went through the paperwork side of officially having lost my baby, they sent me back to the ward. My body was so ready for sleep it happened almost as soon as I hit that mattress. They did reassure me before the procedure that the pain would subside almost instantly after the tissue was removed but oh how wrong they were. It did die down after a few hours thankfully, but it was still pretty painful when the waves kept coming. So now I was just waiting for the all clear from the doctor so I could go home. This took a few hours but wasn’t a problem as I slept most of the time. They did blood tests on the Monday and knew my blood type etc, (it was now Tuesday) and they said I needed an anti-d injection, something to do with antibodies developing in my womb, which they said I could go home afterwards. Great I thought, until they said they needed to do more blood tests to confirm my blood type. The labs were running crazy overloaded so I was told there would be quite a wait, which was understandable considering it is such a busy hospital and there would be many more urgent cases at the time than me so I didn’t mind waiting, I slept most of the time anyways. Got my bloods done and was just waiting for them to say I can have the injection so I could go home. I started to get very light-headed and nauseous by this point, and my BP dropped quite abit so they kept an eye on me till it went back to normal before then giving me the injection. Didn’t realise it would be in my bum, but I have plenty of fat so it wasn’t too bad.
Was about 7:45pm I felt a bit better so they discharged me, I was so looking forward to a night in my own bed, but how naive I was to think that. I’m glad to be home and to be with my partner and my dogs, but the sudden hit of realisation that we had lost our baby hit me like steam train. With everything going on in the hospital, I didn’t have much time to think or come to terms with our loss. I got barely any sleep last night, I kept waking up with panic attacks and sudden pains, and flashbacks to the traumatic experiences I’d had in the hospital. I was scared to close my eyes incase it all came back again.
Today I’ve been absolutely miserable, it’s been the hardest moment of my life I’ve ever had to try to deal with. I’ve not wanted to do anything, not even watch crap on tv or play a computer game. I’ve just lay here most of the day thinking I’ve failed my family, my partner, and myself. It’s been many years since I’ve had thoughts about taking my own life but they came flooding back in my head. “You’re useless, you couldn’t even carry a child”, “you’ve let everyone down, including yourself”, “what is the point in even trying to live with it, take the easy road out”, was a selection of the thoughts going through my head today. I’ve barely drank or eaten anything all day so I barely had the energy to sit up nevermind act on these thoughts. That’s when my mum came over to check me and my partner were ok, and she suggested I call the hospital or a professional. I rang the gynae clinic who said yesterday if I ever needed to talk to someone about my loss and experiences then I could call this number. I did just that this afternoon and they told me they couldn’t do anything to help and suggested I ring my gp instead. Feeling deflated I managed to call my gp surgery and muffled through all the tears on the phone how I was feeling and the thoughts I’ve been having. The reception lady on the phone was lovely and tried to get a gp to call me back ASAP. Even though I was having these thoughts, because I had someone in the house with me, I wasn’t seen as a priority so it took over an hour and a half for someone to finally call me. I felt so isolated and unimportant and that my thoughts must be true if no one could talk to me sooner. It sounds selfish but that’s all i could think at the time. The gp was canny enough as well, explained what I’m feeling is completely normal etc, and said to try diazepam to try curb these ptsd symptoms I’ve been having since I got home. I’ve had only one tablet since I got them around 6pm and I’m currently just lying in bed (it’s now 2:24am as I write this) struggling to even take my mind off everything. Doesn’t help because I’ve been so dehydrated for the past few days and since I was given codeine, I’ve not been able to have a number 2 for days which is very not normal for me with ibs who usually goes multiple times a day. I’ve taken some laxatives but am yet to feel the effect. Every time I try and push just a little bit on the toilet, I end up leaking more blood and even another little clot earlier as well as it bringing back the pain. I did fall asleep earlier but suddenly woke up as it felt like someone was trying to put a cannula back in my hand and it gave me such a fright. I just feel so defeated and I’ve lost any motivation I once had. I hope it comes back over time as this is not like me at all and I hate it, I just feel like an empty shell. I’ve cried so much I’ve had a constant headache, which isn’t helping. I really want to sleep but the feeling of having shit stuck is making it difficult, as well as the pain keeps coming back, not to mention my snoring partner next to me 🤦🏻♀️
Typing up my experience and how I feel hasn’t been easy but it does feel like a small weight has been lifted from the many weights I feel I’m carrying at the moment. I really hope this doesn’t freak anyone out or upset anyone. I’ve put a trigger warning at the top for a reason. If anyone has any experiences they’d like to share, similar or not then I’m here to listen, especially after if you’ve managed to read my mini essay lol. Thank you for taking the time to read this, it would mean a lot if it manages to help anyone else in a similar situation feel less alone ❤️