How can I help my friend? Advice from people who have been there please

[Henio]

My friend just had a miscarriage, she found out at her scan today.

I'm completely heartbroken for her, she was so excited and also terrified of this happening so I know it's going to be a tough time ahead.

I want to know what I can do to help her and her husband?

Asking for advice from people who have been through this please? What helped you the most? What can I do and say?

From experience the thing that helped me most was just having someone who listened when I needed to pour things out.

Just tell her you are ready for her to talk to when she needs it.
(And try to avoid any talk about your or close friends pregnancy/babies/children unless she brings it up).
What helped me most was other women who had experienced the same - make sure she knows this board exists on Mumsnet, and there are other support groups.

Thank you both

Check in with her regularly, ask her how she’s feeling, possibly drop round a meal or something she likes.

It’s tricky because you don’t know how she’s feeling and where she is in coming to terms with it, so asking in an open-ended, non-judgmental way and allowing her to be open with you is the way to go. And if you or another close friend get pregnant soon that needs some sensitivity too.

One of my friends’ reactions to my miscarriage was genuinely worse than the miscarriage for me, so it’s an emotive topic here!

@EssentialHummus

Check in with her regularly, ask her how she’s feeling, possibly drop round a meal or something she likes.

It’s tricky because you don’t know how she’s feeling and where she is in coming to terms with it, so asking in an open-ended, non-judgmental way and allowing her to be open with you is the way to go. And if you or another close friend get pregnant soon that needs some sensitivity too.

One of my friends’ reactions to my miscarriage was genuinely worse than the miscarriage for me, so it’s an emotive topic here!

Thank you for the advice that's mainly why I wanted to ask for opinions because I don't want to do or say the wrong thing. I've already told her I'm hear whenever she needs a talk, also that we'd never forget this little one and she appreciated that. I'm thinking I'll go and get her a bag full of her fav things in a bit. Thank you again x

Just knowing my friends were there helped. They sent texts checking in without demanding a response. That's all you can do. Maybe send a card or flowers or drop some food round. That would be it. I remember a friend was bereft when I told her and she was insisting she was going to come round to look after me, make dinner, run me a bath... I had to be very forceful to stop her - I was fine with just DP.

One of my friends dropped round some flowers, chocolate and some really lovely bath stuff, it was much appreciated.

One friend got us a gift that was really thoughtful. They had a tree planted in memory of our baby. It came with a certificate and they personalised it.

I had some flowers delivered which really cheered me up. And I appreciated those who checked in regularly. Those who said "if you need me, I'm here" meant well but it was too hard for me to reach out to people.

Thank you everyone for your help, also I'm so sorry for what you've had to go through yourselves I've bought her a few things for the bath and chocolate. The tree in memory of baby is a beautiful idea I'll have a look into it, thank you again x

FWIW I wouldn't have liked a tree or anything personal - it helped me NOT to think of that loss as an actual person, rather a biological misfortune.
Maybe check first before doing something similar??

Acknowledge her pain and let her talk about the baby (if she wants to). One of the things I found most difficult was (well meaning) friends encouraging me to see my loss as not an actual baby. I felt this invalidated my feelings/the loss and the fact that the baby was developing, for however a short period of time.

I received flowers from my work at the time as well as from friends, which were so very much appreciated. Just to know that people care means so much in these situations.

I agree a tree would have been way too much, and not appropriate for a friend to do. Perhaps if it was a stillbirth and done by the couple themselves or their family maybe. But for either of my miscarriages (7 and 12 weeks) it would have been weird. Flowers, chocolate and a card/text are more than enough

Yes dropping off a bag of stuff is a really good idea. A great friend dropped off a huge bag of stuff like wine chocolates crisps, just stuff to wallow with. Some meals that can be heated up easily. Offer to help with anything you can. Try to avoid the cliches " you can always try again when you're ready" " it wasn't meant to be" etc etc. It's better to just say how sorry you are and how rubbish it is.

Definitely ''how are you feeling?'' message, not daily but just letting her know you are there.

My friends sent me letterbox flowers from bloom and wild which are lovely because you arrange them yourself so it sort of gives you chance to focus on something else for a minute! And you can put a nice message in the card.

Don't say 'at least you weren't further on' or 'these things happen' .. people mean well but it just isn't helpful xx

Thank you again everyone

She's lucky to have you as a friend x

@Henio sounds like your a good friend as everyone else has said just be there.

Only advice I can give is this doesn't have an end date and she will feel great, I was doing OK for maybe a month before it really hit me (I miscarried in July) I only just took him off work last week for the first time as I was struggling, by now its ancient history to most people.

My advice is let her lead but pay attention to whats being said its possible she will hint when she needs support rather than just asking for it.

Sounds like shes lucky to have you

Jot down her due date & remember it at the time it comes.
It will be etched in her mind.
Get her some flowers on that date.

For now, listen, hug, give tissues and tea when she is ready.

Nothing, absolutely nothing helps. But I was grateful for people who cared.

Things that really didn't help me were things like:

• "At least it was early" / Comparison to someone else who had a later loss or stillbirth
• No one ever miscarried a healthy baby/ It's nature's way / there must have been something wrong
• Asking if we'd try again, when I hadn't even finished miscarrying (missed miscarriage, took bloody weeks) and didn't want anyone near me, let alone sex
• Suggesting I should get back to work and "not dwell on it", without recognising that I was still physically going through it - so I was constantly being reminded of it by my body
• No-one acknowledged or gave me space to ventilate the absolute crapness of the physical experience, or the multiple transvaginal scans and internal examinations.

My brother in law and his girlfriend announced their pregnancy when I was miscarrying (which is what prompted me to share the fact with family; as I needed them to understand why I wasn't gushing over their announcement).
However I don't think anyone in the family has recognised how difficult I have found having a new baby in the family, born a week before what would have been my due date. I adore our nephew but it still hurts.
My best friend was great, and has let me talk about those difficult emotions with no judgement. That was the best gift she could give me really.