How did people react to your miscarriage?

[WanderingAlice]

Hello, first time poster so apologies if this topic has been done to death.

After a weekend of bleeding my miscarriage was confirmed on Monday, just shy of 11 weeks, and while the fact its happened is just beyond devastating, I'm really surprised by how little I've heard from people since sharing the news.

Everyone rushes round to see a new baby when you really just need a bit of peace and sleep in the first week, but not a peep from anyone after losing a baby and actually wanting a bit of company and support.

I know this reads as incredibly self pitying/unreasonable, its very possible people may think it's too soon to impose, but all those 'let me know if there's anything I can do' messages are feeling pretty empty at the moment.

So sorry for your loss I think sadly a lot of people either don’t understand how devastating it is, or they do and have no idea how to react. We don’t talk about MC enough, we need to share our experiences more so people know to treat it like any other loss.

I am sorry for your loss and I think for many, it's totally misunderstood and you may need to be direct about what it is you need and how you feel x

Thank you. And yes the rational part of me knows that people just have no idea what to say or do, but it just seems so bizarre that the first people (other than my husband & parents) that I'll be spending any time with will be colleagues that I barely know as I only just started working there a few weeks ago.

I think I'm just feeling angry at the whole situation, including having to go to the appointment alone thanks to the ridiculous world we're currently living in, and just want to talk about it but don't have anyone to listen. I don't expect anyone to be able to make it better, but it'd be nice to feel less alone 😔

I’m so sorry for your loss. In my experience people don’t know what to say. I’ve recently had another miscarriage myself and aside from one or two very close friends, I find people have foot in mouth syndrome. I know it’s grim how alone you feel. I couldn’t really even get comfortable on any of the post miscarriage threads on here. It’s shit and I’m sorry you’re going through it.

Thank you, you're probably right about needing to be more direct. I did say to a few close friends it would just be nice to see them, and I guess I expected they'd have followed up by now.

But I guess to them it probably feels like it's just happened, to me it felt like the longest week I can remember in my life.

Thanks @PrincessMaryaBolkonskaya, and again I'm so so sorry you've had to go through it too. No getting round the fact that it's just a shitty, lonely experience all round.

I know they're probably in a no win situation to some extent, I didn't want to see my own mam straight away because she's very much an 'everything happens for a reason' kind of person which infuriates me at the best of times, thankfully she managed to bite her tongue on this occasion.

I do know what you mean about struggling to find comfort in the threads on here, sometimes other people's experiences seem so much more traumatic than my own and I feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself. It does feel good to get the thoughts out of my own head a little bit, but I guess that's probably the case with all these threads - more of a place for the op to vent rather than really starting helpful conversations.

Im so sorry for your loss.x

I was 10weeks, not many knew, my parents lived 3hrs away, phoned often.
A few close friends brought over some flowers/chocolates and sympathy.
Most avoided me for a little while.
This was 13 yr ago now and I cant remember much Im sorry.

Some people said 'I am very sorry you had a miscarriage '.
Some sent cards.
Some sent flowers.

Some did/said nothing as 'you don't know what to say, do you?'.

I felt very let down by the last group as I felt they treated their discomfort as more important than our loss.

I am sorry for your loss.

I've had three miscarriages this year and the reaction from everyone apart from my partner and my mom has been cold. My MIL telling me to keep my pregnancy quiet in future as these things happen, to being constantly told to wait around six months before you try again, to others saying we'll never mind you can try again. It makes you realise how empathy is a rarity these days.

You are allowed to feel loss, you are allowed to mourn and you are allowed to talk about it don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

@Lollypop4 yes I'm expecting the avoidance might last a little while, both in person and messages. All the group WhatsApp messages have gone deathly silent because I'm guessing noone wants to risk being insensitive by talking about normal/trivial things. But my paranoid self just assumes those conversations are going on elsewhere without me included.

@Chameleon2003 I think you've hit the nail on the head with your last point, that's exactly how I'm feeling right now, and most frustratingly it's the people that I'd consider my closest friends that I've had that reaction from.

@Littlepaws18 I'm so sorry you've had to endure so much pain in such a short space of time and that you haven't had the support you should have. I also don't understand the 'waiting 6 months' - as far as I know there's no increased risk of it happening again by trying to soon. Maybe it's just to give people adequate time to grieve before putting ourselves through it again, but who knows how long it will take to conceive again. I personally will probably just be waiting for the after effects of MC to go away and waiting for a negative pregnancy test.

I'm glad I told people I was pregnant relatively early, but it does feel a bit like I've inconvenienced people by sharing the bad news when I could have just kept quiet and swept it under the carpet without anyone knowing. As if it wasn't a real baby until I'd had a positive 12 week scan.

Today I'm mainly annoyed at myself for getting my hopes up, making so many plans in my head, letting my little boy get excited about being a big brother, and generally just expecting too much from other people.

My miscarriage sort of made me lose faith in humanity a bit (that sounds dramatic but I'm one to see the best in everyone and some of the reactions I got were beyond cruel). The overwhelming feeling I got was of being completely alone- so I do know how you're feeling. I have no wise words as I'm still struggling with it now - but you need to look after yourself and do whatever makes you feel better. Some people may disagree with this statement, but remember who let you down or abandoned you during this time and be careful of yourself around them in future. But it does get easier and you have every right to feel anything you're feeling xxx

I am sorry for your loss (hugs)

I have experienced 3 loses since my first child 2 miscarriages and 1 ectopic. To be honest, mine was pretty kept between my very own little family my partner and child. We supported each other throughout.

When some others found out, you know not one person said I'm sorry but more like 'everything happens for a reason', ' you will be pregnant again' , 'try wait 3 months' etc and it's just like ahh whatever seriously.

However, I ended suffering a lot to myself when everyone sort of forgot about it, and I felt I couldn't bring it up anymore because sometime had passed.

Best advise - don't worry what others say, focus on yourself and your wellbeing. It is a very emotional and traumatic experience and as far I am concerned those are babies and they were very much real.

I think these platforms good just to rant and get your feelings out

X

I'm currently going through a missed miscarriage and its scary and I feel so alone.
I should be 8 weeks and 1 day now. I've been going for scans for weeks now as my coil failed, we didn't know how far gone I was so I was referred for a scan.
Tuesday I was scanned.. baby was 2mm but no heartbeat. They didnt seem too worried and said sometimes they have catch up or its hard to tell. Thursday I still feel very pregnant, morning sickness and sore boobs. 11.40am and I wipe and there's pink blood, only when i wipe but I was worried.
Called the unit looking after me and they tell me to come in on Friday for a scan. Im told at the scan that baby is 2mm, no heartbeat, not viable but fetal pole and sac are still in my womb.
Since then I've only bled when I wipe and its either pink or brown. Then at 4pm tonight I get a tiny red clot when I wipe. Now nothing. No cramps.
What is going on with me?
They're re scanning me on Saturday. Until then am I morning the loss of my baby? I dont know how to feel. I still feel very pregnant. I've had 3 healthy children, no bleeding in any of their pregnancies.
I either just want to bleed red blood and clots so that I know ive lost the baby or for this to go away and babies ok.

@littlekipling I agree you do remember those who let you down, my closest friends uninvited me to a weekend away as I wasn't fun anymore. I was devastated by my loss and I their behaviour compounded my misery 😓

@MoMof4xx I am sorry for your loss, it's really hard because you are in limbo currently. Sending you love x

Thank you.
Can I ask... did you bled at all? Did it progress if you did? I just dont understand what's going on x

I have lost three pregnancies and to be honest I've realised everyone is shit. They all say the worst stuff. It makes me mad that they think they understand and they just don't. They trivialise it and bang on about how common it is as though that's helpful. Promise me I'll have a child as though they know my chances better than me. My last loss I got my partner to forbid everyone from mentioning it at all, zero condolences allowed. If I'd had my way they never would have known about that one but events conspired against me. Best thing I ever did so I don't have to listen to their selfish rubbish that they say just to make themselves feel less awkward. Obviously I am projecting my anger about the losses onto everyone else but there you go. Sorry to hear your friends and family are disappointing you OP. You're not alone. People are shit.

You know when I had my first miscarriage, I was absolutely torn into pieces. I cried and hurt so much, it makes me tear up now remembering. I went to my GP as I thought it was practice to go after miscarriage, and my doctor turns and goes it's not a real baby, you need to get over it and miscarriage happens 1 in 4 pregnancies. She went on about how it's just a bunch of cells and that it's possible I will miscarry again, and that it is us women's fault because we test too early. I mean talk about being completely ruthless. I agree with the test as well, people are shit when it comes to these things and no one understands except mothers who have experienced miscarriages and loss - x

@MoMof4xx I'm so sorry you're going through this, the helpless waiting around was horrific. I had brown discharge for a couple of days followed by cramps and much heavier bleeding / probable pregnancy tissue but it was really hard to see/comprehend. By the time I had my scan there wasn't much left.

I'll be thinking of you and hope you receive the answers and care you receive soon whatever the outcome.

@AllTheWayUp what an awful way to be treat by your GP, my actual doctor was okay with me but I spoke to some pretty rude uncaring people while ringing round out of hours trying to see what I needed to do / where I needed to go. I do try to be sympathetic with NHS staff given the demands they're under, but if you don't care about your patients what's even the point?

@Doughnut100 @littlekipling @Landlubber2019 - I'm fully in the 'people are shit / lost faith in humanity' club. Honestly I feel torn between thinking I just need to accept that they're just people to socialise with in good times and withdraw when they're having shit times, to thinking I'd hate for anyone else have to go through this without support, then back to thinking what's the point making the effort to maintain friendships if they aren't there when you need them?

On the plus side the latest covid restrictions shouldn't affect me too much while everyone is busy avoiding me 😂

just want to talk about it but don't have anyone to listen

Talk on here

I had similar earlier this year. Some lovely reactions from people but also some absolute horrors from people who ought to have known better. And the covid stuff makes it worse, I think - going to appointments alone etc.

For something that is so common - 1 in 4, 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage? - it is treated like AIDS circa 1985.

Thank you for your kind words.
I'm sorry you went through a loss too. X

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. I found it so helpful reaching out to other people who understand (on here and also instagram has some wonderful people who have been through similar).

I honestly don’t think you can truly get it unless you’ve been through it and it definitely shows you who your real friends are. I lost my boy in March at 17 weeks and it’s weird how some people expect me to be ‘over it’ now. Counselling helped me greatly, having someone to validate how bad I feel and to also reassure me that I wasn’t going nuts was invaluable.

I'm sorry for your loss, I've been there and I know how much it can hurt.

I think most people who haven't been there don't see it as the loss of a child in the early months. Also miscarriage is very, very common and it may just seem like "one of those things" to many people.

DH and I grieved for what we lost and friends were kind but not many really understood. It isn't malice or even that they are uncaring, they just don't really get it.

I listened to happy place with fearn cotton interviewing Chris and Rosie Ramsey they spoke openly about their experience of miscarriage and how hidden it is. Worth a listen as I agree it is very misunderstood and deeply deeply painful x