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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

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Trouble dealing with missed miscarriage

47 replies

Iucy95 · 08/09/2020 14:33

Hi, I don't know what I'm looking for just think it would help to write, last Tuesday I went for the 12 week dating scan to find baby had passed away at 7 +5 weeks, we had gone for a early scan at 7 weeks were all was fine so this was a real surprise. I've really struggling to cope at night times all my thoughts come in, I can't sleep and my eyes are swollen from crying, I'm so worried I will never be able to have a baby and that I will never feel normal again. If anyone out there has gone threw this I would love to talk x

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rebeccaeve27 · 08/09/2020 21:19

Hi Lucy

I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. I have just gone through this myself, I also had my 12 week scan last Tuesday, and the baby had no heartbeat, passed at 8 weeks and 5 days. We were devastated, I have an 11 year old son and was ignorant to think this wouldn’t happen to me as I’d already had a healthy pregnancy and I feel terrible that I thought this. Also I still felt very pregnant, I was suffering with terrible morning sickness up until a few days before the scan, so I just couldn’t get my head around it, I felt like my mind and body weren’t connected and my body wasn’t doing what it should be doing.

I had surgery today to have the baby removed under general anaesthetic. I’m relieved it’s over as I couldn’t bare to wait to miscarry naturally, but emotionally I’m numb. The hospital offered me a follow up with a counsellor in a couple of weeks which I’ve accepted and they also gave me this sweet little memory box to keep the scan photo in, that made me feel a little better.

I really hope you start to feel better soon and take as much time as you need off work, it will be hard seeing the pregnant women in work, but you never know if you speak about your experience you will probably find one of those women have gone through a miscarraige at some stage. I found that since I’ve spoken to people about what’s happened to me, I found that there is a few people within friends and family who have gone through it or know someone who has. And I’ve been able to talk to them and I’ve found a little comfort and I think they have too. Just like all the wonderful brave women on here, like yourself Smile

Take care and look after yourself x

Pacif1cDogwood · 08/09/2020 21:33

I am so sorry for your loss, lucy Thanks

Any pregnancy loss is upsetting, but early losses like yours (and mine) are so common and don't really mean anything about your future fertility that it is important that you grieve, and then move forward from it.

I had 4 MMCs, all before or around the 12 weeks mark.

Here is what helped me, please feel free to pick and chose what chimes with you and completely ignore what you don't find helpful - i know that everybody deals with their grief differently.

  1. MC is common. Whenever I found myself asking 'why me?', the obvious answer was 'well, why NOT you?'. It happens to healthy woman who do everything right all the time. There are estimates that up to 1/3 of fertilised eggs don't lead to a live baby.
  2. Many early MCs are the result of a problem with the pregnancy, be it a chromosomal abnormality or an issue with the placenta or whatever. It helped me to consider that maybe nature had good reasons to not let this pregnancy progress beyond a certain stage.
  3. You have proven that you can get pregnant! This is good - failure to conceive is soul destroying (I hate even the term). You have been pregnant once, you can become pregnant again.
  4. What you are grieving is the loss of the baby you were hoping to meet and that you had already invested love and care and protectiveness in to. What you actually lost was a pregnancy, not a viable baby, but the possibility of a baby, not yet the fully formed real thing. I found it comforting to think of my lost pregnancies, not lost babies. I know this is offensive to some women who had MCs and I hope this idea does not upset you further - I'm describing what helped me through it.
  5. I never wanted anybody else's baby, I wanted mine which is why dealing with pregnant mothers at work, or young babies, was not that upsetting. It reminded me that people were having babies all around me, all the time, so why not me one day? (See 'why me?''why not me?' above - it's all about how you frame it!)

So, grieve, cry, eat chocolate, curl up and hide away for a bit, then take a deep breath, go for a walk and face the world again. Since the beginning of time women have had to make the leap of faith that is embarking on conception/pregnancy/labour/child birth/raising offspring and it is all fraught with risk and can be quite scary. But it is also the single most rewarding, exiting and enriching experience of my life. And yes, I also had successful pregnancies, so why not you?!

Look after yourself, and wishing you very best of luck Cake

Iucy95 · 08/09/2020 22:15

@rebeccaeve27 I am so sorry that you are also having to go threw this, I hope you are recovering from surgery well, I took the tablets and it happened on Sunday, I understand the numbness completely when they first told me I couldn't speak or cry I was just in numb shock. I hope counciling helps you and things get easier for you in time ❤️

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Iucy95 · 08/09/2020 22:18

@pacif1cDogwood thank you so much for your comment! I have found all of these tips extremely helpful and oddly comforting, I am a massive overthinker and you are so right about mourning abound what could of been, I'm so happy for you that you went on to have healthy pregnancys ❤️

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rebeccaeve27 · 08/09/2020 23:51

@Pacif1cDogwood I’d like to also thank you for this reply, I have also found it quite comforting ❤️

@Iucy95 thank you Lucy, I really hope things get easier for you too ❤️

xxxxx

footprintsintheslow · 09/09/2020 08:10

How are you doing @Iucy95? Have you thought how long you would like to take off work?

Iucy95 · 09/09/2020 08:14

@footprintsintheslow I slept threw the night last night for the first time since finding out so taking that as a win, I am having pain while weeing (not UTI pain) so am now paranoid about infection but seeing dr today, I'm.due back at work next Tuesday but am going to ask for another week of, I know myself and if I return before I'm mentally ready it will set me back x

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footprintsintheslow · 09/09/2020 08:19

Good idea and take as long as you need, please don't feel rushed. You've had a terrible shock.

Iucy95 · 09/09/2020 08:28

@footprintsintheslow my book is arriving today really looking forward to reading it! X

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footprintsintheslow · 09/09/2020 12:21

I read it cover to cover even the bits that weren't relevant to me. But you might want to just dip in and out.

I found it good to know the medical background and the author is wonderful. I asked my consultant about the author and he said she is a world leader in the field.

mrsawhite · 09/09/2020 12:45

@Pacif1cDogwood such good advice. Hope you're doing ok OP. One day at a time I am finding with us

Pacif1cDogwood · 09/09/2020 16:26

Gosh, people, thanks - I'm a bit embarrassed quite how long my sermon turned out Blush. I'm glad if anybody can take any helpful bits from it.

rebeccaeve27 · 10/09/2020 10:01

@Iucy95 How are you doing? can I ask what the book is called you have ordered? I can’t seem to go back through the posts to see the picture of the book @footprintsintheslow recommended. Thank you x

Iucy95 · 10/09/2020 10:50

@rebeccaeve27 it's called miscarriage what every women needs to know it's on sale at Amazon atm, I'm having good moments and bad moments in sure as time goes on more good moments will happen, I hope you are well x

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rebeccaeve27 · 10/09/2020 11:15

@Iucy95 thank you I’ve just ordered it. Yes I’m the same, I’m still off work and it’s the first day on my own I feel a bit lost. But I know i just need to rest, after the op On Tuesday I felt fine physically but since last night and today I’m feeling a bit more sore. Hoping it will pass soon xx

footprintsintheslow · 10/09/2020 14:16

Slag you found the book. Here's another picture incase anyone else wants to see it.

Trouble dealing with missed miscarriage
footprintsintheslow · 10/09/2020 14:17

Oh for god sake SO sorry about the roast typo ever. I meant

Glad you found the book...

footprintsintheslow · 10/09/2020 14:18

I'm giving up typing now!

Worst typo ever

I obviously need to lie down.

NorthernGirl1991 · 10/09/2020 14:27

I’ve just had a MMC too. Should have been 12 weeks but the baby stopped growing at 7 weeks. I opted for medical management and had to have two rounds of treatment earlier this week before it worked. I already have a little girl so thought this pregnancy would be ok and we were so excited. Feeling very up and down, but looking forward to when the bleeding stops and I’m ready to TTC again. Sending love to all other ladies who are or have been going through this.

rebeccaeve27 · 10/09/2020 14:39

@footprintsintheslow seeing your typo has just made me laugh 😂 thank you, got it for a fiver on amazon xx

rebeccaeve27 · 10/09/2020 14:47

@NorthernGirl1991 I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. Sending you lots of love at this sad time, I hope you feel better soon x

footprintsintheslow · 11/09/2020 21:16

Just checking in to say I hope everyone is coping and getting support. X

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